Hello from the other side

It's been a year since I last posted. This only emphasis how much I couldn't never be a professional blogger as my consistency stinks and I am never even sure what to say. However, while listening to the radio this morning and getting dressed Adele's Hello came on the radio. I've heard it about a million times before but this morning it hit me a bit differently.

Lately, I've been struggling with how much my life has changed in the past year. More specifically how much my relationships have changed. In fact, I have never felt lonely than I do now. Before I elaborate let me clarify that I don't feel lonelier all the time. In fact, my life is quite full. Becoming a mother has changed something in me. I don't need to be as busy and around people as I used to. I am content most days just spending time with my little family. The days are hectic and often times I find that the only thing I really want to do is go home and be with them. I get so little time with O through the week that I desire to spend every chance I have just her, myself and the hubster. It's wonderful but at times I still have that desire to be with people. To have relationships outside of that. It's at that point that I find myself lonely. It's not that I haven't invited people over or made efforts to go out with my friends. I have and those times have been great but as a whole most of my relationships have suffered from me having a baby.

It's really no one's faults. Priorities change and lives get busy but it doesn't make it much easier. The problem is I find myself often struggling to have something to say many of my friends but it's my perception that we don't really have anything in common at this time besides that fact that we are friends. I find myself feeling as if I am not longer on the same page as my friends. Most of that comes from me being in a different place as I am married and have a baby. It's like in my mind I have categorized my friends and can't figure out where I fit into them again. I have my "married friends", my "dating friends" and my "married and have older kids friends". Yet, there is no one in the same stage as me "married with a baby". Then when you bring careers into the picture things seem to get messier.

I know it sounds cliche' but it feels all but real to me. I often don't know how to engage in a conversation about a dating situation and it feels like an eternity ago that I dated. When someone brings up job searching, interviewing or even their deep hatred of their job, I don't know what to say. I know I can just dive in by I honestly don't know what to say. For a while I even blamed myself for "not caring enough about their situation to say anything" but I realized that wasn't true. I do care but I truly don't know what to say. Sometimes it's like my brain is so jammed full of my own stuff (two jobs, constant change, a dramatic family and a new baby) I can't even find room to think of other things because my brain is so full.

All this results in two things, first I wonder how many of my friends thinks I am being a terrible friend over the last year because of my distance? Secondly, I find myself getting irritated with my friends and I am no longer in the "loop" of things. I seem to be the last to find out about my friend's travel plans or family issues or dating issues or medical issue. I often just 'happen' on these things after they have occurred. It makes me feel that much more distant and separated.

I know that most of this is probably in my head and that some of it may be a reality. It's hard to really tell. What I do know if I feel disconnected from my friends. I feel we have nothing to connect over and that I am there as an afterthought. I often find myself thinking "it's doesn't matter as they don't probably really care what's going on in your life as they don't ask". There is probably some truth to that. Unless you are a new parent you probably really don't care about how much your baby slept last night, or what they are now eating, or what they have been up to. Sometimes you can really only find that interesting if you are going through that yourself. It's so easy to have your life consumed by those things but there are other things in life as well. Do they care what's going on with my career? Do they care about what's really going on with my family or are they over my dramatic family situation?

I am sure by now you are shaking your head at me or wanting to yell at me. I know many of these things are in my head. Things maybe I shouldn't say out loud but if I don't how will I work through them? I know realistically by friends care but it's at this time in my life I feel disconnected, whether that is my own doing or not. I know that all relationships go through valleys and that seems to be where I am right now. Yet, through all these thoughts I have come up with some truths though many of which Adele helped me to realize this morning. Check out what ran through my mind this morning...


Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these months you'd like to meet
To go over everything
and see what's going on

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in over my head with laundry,
diaper changes and a million mile
list of things to do

There's such a difference between us
in a million different ways

Hello from the other side of motherhood
I've not really tired to call
as I don't really know what to say
For everything has changed
and I don't really know what to do or
what to say

Hello from the outside
At least I haven't really tried
to tell you what's going on
cause everything has changed so I can't really be mad

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did that things you mentioned work out for you?
As I forgot to ask you...

It's no secret
motherhood changes everything things
from when I sleep to who's my friend

So hello from the other side (of motherhood)
I didn't think it would have made this kind of change
To tell you I'm sorry
For everything that I haven't said
and being a bit lame lately

Hello from the outside (outside)
at least I really want to try
let's be friends again
even if I don't know what to say anymore

Oh, anymore
Oh, anymore
Oh, anymore
Anymore

Baby Shower!

Tomorrow will be by first baby shower. Yes, I am having more than one. I am so excited to be able to celebrate with my friends and family. I am beginning to feel like I am pregnant now so at least people will be able to see it. I was a bit worry about that when picking the date that I may not show but I think people will be able to tell and at least I won't be so big that I am miserable. What I am excited most about is seeing my best friends. I love when we are together and to be able to share this moment with them is so special. They have been with me through everything. They were there to listen to me complain and despair when we didn't get pregnant easily. They always reminded me it would happen and after two long years, they are coming together to throw a baby shower to show how much they love me and this little girl. I am beyond blessed to have these two wonderful ladies in my life.

Now let's get this party started!

Nursery

I think one of the hardest parts being being pregnant so far has been the nursery. We had trouble deciding what to do with the nursery and now that we have we are having trouble finding the time to do it. We don't have much to do right now as most of it will have to wait until after one of my baby showers as one of the games will be to help decorate letters for the nursery. However, before then we really need to paint, put the crib together and figure out what other things we need. It's not the best time of the year to paint as it is cold and leaving the windows open for it to dry isn't really an option. All my other priorities seems to be pulled everyone else so I made an agreement that if we haven't painted by mid-march we would skip it and all the walls would just be white. It's seems like a good compromise and I hope by putting a deadline out there maybe it would help me to get it done. We will just have to see.

Why does this have to be hard, isn't it suppose to be fun?

Valentine's Day

In the past I have viewed Valentine's Day as a day that we should our significant other our love through thoughtful gifts, actions, etc. I have always put pressure on my self to do something thoughtful or grand for M wanting him to feel special. At the same time I have always had this internal drive to hope that M will do something as well to "blow my mind". I have always had high expectations for Valentine's Day and some years they have been met and some years they haven't. However, I find that this year feels differently. I don't feel the pressure to do anything grand or really anything. I want to celebrate the day but I didn't even get M a gift like I usually do. Actually, that isn't true. About two weeks ago I bought M a PlayStation 3. I wanted to do something thoughtful for him for everything he has done this past few months, for getting a second job and not complaining and for being my support system. Yet, I labeled it a "just because I love you/early Valentine's Day/Early Birthday gift" because I know when his birthday comes around in June we won't have the time, money or energy for much. In previous years, I would have gotten him something still using the "it's Valentine's Day everyone deserves to feel loved on that day" but not this year. In fact, I told M not to get me anything. He wouldn't take no for an answer so I told him to get me a pedicure. We will see if that happens.


Anyways, the point is this year I don't want anything. I want to celebrate but I want to do that by having a relaxing day. I have been so busy since April of last year. I have been exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally for months. The exhaustion doesn't last long and I just push through but I just want one day to do nothing. I don't plan to clean the house, or cook, or grocery shop, or anything on Saturday. I just want to have a day of nothing. A day that I don't have to make a decision. I don't' want to think about what we eat, or do. Now, I don't want to sit at home all day but I want to just relax finally. To spend a day enjoying my husband. Enjoying us before our lives become about Olivia. More than anything I desire this. Now we just have to see if this really happens or if I talk myself out of it.

One day it might feel real

To this day it still doesn't seem real that we are having a baby. We are going through the motions. We have doctors appointments, we have seen her face on an ultrasound. We have bought a crib (even though we haven't put it up yet). We are even starting to work on the nursery and preparing for birth by making plans, enrolling in classes at the hospital and working on maternity leave. However, it still doesn't seem real. How is it possible that in about 14 weeks I am suppose to have a baby? I don't feel any differently other that much larger due to my stomach finally starting to show. Even when I feel her kick, it just seems like something that is happening but not to me. I always thought I would be one of those people who fell in love with pregnancy. Fell in love with my child before they were even here but I am slightly ashamed to say I'm not. I don't hate pregnancy, I'm just ambivalent to it. I am excited to have a little girl but I feel no connection with her. I fear this could lead to postpartum depression. I don't even know if M feels connected to this pregnancy. Before we were pregnant we used to talk about how we would talk to our baby every day, take lots of picture and sing/read to her but that is not the case. We are so tired by the end of the night we both just go to sleep. We don't do any of the things I thought we would. I haven't even really started my nursery. We have some things but I can't seem to find the desire to get in there and finish it. I know we have months but I am a planner. I like to have things done ahead of time but I don't feel rushed with this. I keep telling myself I will have plenty of time later to finish it.

It just feels so strange because it still doesn't seem real. It doesn't feel like we will have a baby. It doesn't feel like we will actually cross this finish line. When will it feel real? When will it really hit us that we ARE having a baby? When will I feel connected to the baby? I don't think there is really an answer for it but because I don't I feel a bit ashamed even though I know it's normal for some women...

Seasons of Change

I find it so ironic how life just changes it seems like overnight. I know that most of the time it doesn't just change overnight. Most of the time there is some sort of force that has been moving towards the change in your life. It can either be you actively making difference choices to move towards a goal, it could be you inactively making choices that lead to a bit change and I even believe it can be the universe just changing things and you never know why. I only say this because a few weeks ago I was struck with the idea that I have noticed most of my friends lives have changed so dramatically in the last few months but when I look back I can see the small steps that have lead each of us towards these changes. These are all just brief seasons. Seasons that will pass and allow us rest before the next one hits but it doesn't make it any easier or less strange how we end up in them.

I have a grandmother in the process of grieving for her husband while dealing with a bankruptcy, losing her house and moving.

I have a brother who is trying to grow up quickly because he knows that soon he will leave our house and have to be an adult. Graduation will be here soon and then his life will have to start. There is no more stalling, no more 'being a kid' and that only adds to his stress.

I have one friend who is dealing with the repercussions of her husband who drinks too much and how it now is truly affect her and the kids. She also just lost her job, adding to the stress.

I have one friend whose career really seems to be taking off after years of changing her mind and years of trying to get to this point.

I have one friend who is dealing with the reality of what her marriage has become and trying to decide what is best for her. A situation no one ever wants to find themselves in because it really makes you examine your life, have realizations you didn't want to have and make choices that just seem unbearable at times.

I have one friend who seems to only be diving more into her despair of life, being so unhappy with everything mainly because she can't have a baby and won't make the necessary steps need to either get pregnant or adopt. Her marriage seems shaky because of her emotional state.

I have one friend who doesn't seem to really be changing at all but is happy where she is. I only throw this in there because it seems like there is always one that doesn't change often and is happy with life.

Then there is me. I am going to have a baby in a few months. Something I was beginning to fear would not happen until it did. I am also in the midst of a new part-time job that is giving me some great experience that will either lead me to work full-time for this company or set me up with the knowledge needed to move my career in another path.

There is just so much change and it all seems to happen at the same time. Here we all are at pivotal moments in our lives with so many choices to make and too much stress to bear. The only thing we can cling to in times like this is the love our family and friends because when this season of change is complete they are who will be left (if you didn't push them away).

2015

It can't be 2015 already, can it? I can't believe that we have already started a new year and this year it will be a big one. First, T will graduate. I am so excited for him. Even though I am frustrated with him so often, I am also proud of all the hard work he has put in. He has had a lot of things he has to overcome and he has really made an attempt to overcome them all. Before he knows it it will be May and he will be walking across that stage. I know he is so nervous but he will be great. Everyone is nervous to start their lives outside of high school but I believe that if he puts his mind to it, he can do great things.

However, the thing that I am most excited about is Olivia's entrance into the world. I am so excited and yet terrified at the same time. It's going to be here before we know it. It this year is anything like last year we will just blink and she will be almost here. We have so much to do before she gets her. I have to come up with an maternity plan for work and make sure everything is covered for my 8 week break, including thinking of everything I can for our big fundraiser that will take place the same weekend she is due. On top of that we have to get everything ready at home from baby proofing, to making a nursery, to preparing our dog, to stocking up on supplies all while trying to save as much money as possible. It's all overwhelming and yet I am excited for the challenge (that's how much I love organizing and planning. I think my weirdness is really starting to show). Oh, did I also mention we are both still working two jobs?

This year is going to be crazy. Actually, I think the more appropriate response is that this year is going to just a lifetime of crazy and I am not sure we are quite ready for it.