Hello from the other side

It's been a year since I last posted. This only emphasis how much I couldn't never be a professional blogger as my consistency stinks and I am never even sure what to say. However, while listening to the radio this morning and getting dressed Adele's Hello came on the radio. I've heard it about a million times before but this morning it hit me a bit differently.

Lately, I've been struggling with how much my life has changed in the past year. More specifically how much my relationships have changed. In fact, I have never felt lonely than I do now. Before I elaborate let me clarify that I don't feel lonelier all the time. In fact, my life is quite full. Becoming a mother has changed something in me. I don't need to be as busy and around people as I used to. I am content most days just spending time with my little family. The days are hectic and often times I find that the only thing I really want to do is go home and be with them. I get so little time with O through the week that I desire to spend every chance I have just her, myself and the hubster. It's wonderful but at times I still have that desire to be with people. To have relationships outside of that. It's at that point that I find myself lonely. It's not that I haven't invited people over or made efforts to go out with my friends. I have and those times have been great but as a whole most of my relationships have suffered from me having a baby.

It's really no one's faults. Priorities change and lives get busy but it doesn't make it much easier. The problem is I find myself often struggling to have something to say many of my friends but it's my perception that we don't really have anything in common at this time besides that fact that we are friends. I find myself feeling as if I am not longer on the same page as my friends. Most of that comes from me being in a different place as I am married and have a baby. It's like in my mind I have categorized my friends and can't figure out where I fit into them again. I have my "married friends", my "dating friends" and my "married and have older kids friends". Yet, there is no one in the same stage as me "married with a baby". Then when you bring careers into the picture things seem to get messier.

I know it sounds cliche' but it feels all but real to me. I often don't know how to engage in a conversation about a dating situation and it feels like an eternity ago that I dated. When someone brings up job searching, interviewing or even their deep hatred of their job, I don't know what to say. I know I can just dive in by I honestly don't know what to say. For a while I even blamed myself for "not caring enough about their situation to say anything" but I realized that wasn't true. I do care but I truly don't know what to say. Sometimes it's like my brain is so jammed full of my own stuff (two jobs, constant change, a dramatic family and a new baby) I can't even find room to think of other things because my brain is so full.

All this results in two things, first I wonder how many of my friends thinks I am being a terrible friend over the last year because of my distance? Secondly, I find myself getting irritated with my friends and I am no longer in the "loop" of things. I seem to be the last to find out about my friend's travel plans or family issues or dating issues or medical issue. I often just 'happen' on these things after they have occurred. It makes me feel that much more distant and separated.

I know that most of this is probably in my head and that some of it may be a reality. It's hard to really tell. What I do know if I feel disconnected from my friends. I feel we have nothing to connect over and that I am there as an afterthought. I often find myself thinking "it's doesn't matter as they don't probably really care what's going on in your life as they don't ask". There is probably some truth to that. Unless you are a new parent you probably really don't care about how much your baby slept last night, or what they are now eating, or what they have been up to. Sometimes you can really only find that interesting if you are going through that yourself. It's so easy to have your life consumed by those things but there are other things in life as well. Do they care what's going on with my career? Do they care about what's really going on with my family or are they over my dramatic family situation?

I am sure by now you are shaking your head at me or wanting to yell at me. I know many of these things are in my head. Things maybe I shouldn't say out loud but if I don't how will I work through them? I know realistically by friends care but it's at this time in my life I feel disconnected, whether that is my own doing or not. I know that all relationships go through valleys and that seems to be where I am right now. Yet, through all these thoughts I have come up with some truths though many of which Adele helped me to realize this morning. Check out what ran through my mind this morning...


Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these months you'd like to meet
To go over everything
and see what's going on

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in over my head with laundry,
diaper changes and a million mile
list of things to do

There's such a difference between us
in a million different ways

Hello from the other side of motherhood
I've not really tired to call
as I don't really know what to say
For everything has changed
and I don't really know what to do or
what to say

Hello from the outside
At least I haven't really tried
to tell you what's going on
cause everything has changed so I can't really be mad

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did that things you mentioned work out for you?
As I forgot to ask you...

It's no secret
motherhood changes everything things
from when I sleep to who's my friend

So hello from the other side (of motherhood)
I didn't think it would have made this kind of change
To tell you I'm sorry
For everything that I haven't said
and being a bit lame lately

Hello from the outside (outside)
at least I really want to try
let's be friends again
even if I don't know what to say anymore

Oh, anymore
Oh, anymore
Oh, anymore
Anymore

Baby Shower!

Tomorrow will be by first baby shower. Yes, I am having more than one. I am so excited to be able to celebrate with my friends and family. I am beginning to feel like I am pregnant now so at least people will be able to see it. I was a bit worry about that when picking the date that I may not show but I think people will be able to tell and at least I won't be so big that I am miserable. What I am excited most about is seeing my best friends. I love when we are together and to be able to share this moment with them is so special. They have been with me through everything. They were there to listen to me complain and despair when we didn't get pregnant easily. They always reminded me it would happen and after two long years, they are coming together to throw a baby shower to show how much they love me and this little girl. I am beyond blessed to have these two wonderful ladies in my life.

Now let's get this party started!

Nursery

I think one of the hardest parts being being pregnant so far has been the nursery. We had trouble deciding what to do with the nursery and now that we have we are having trouble finding the time to do it. We don't have much to do right now as most of it will have to wait until after one of my baby showers as one of the games will be to help decorate letters for the nursery. However, before then we really need to paint, put the crib together and figure out what other things we need. It's not the best time of the year to paint as it is cold and leaving the windows open for it to dry isn't really an option. All my other priorities seems to be pulled everyone else so I made an agreement that if we haven't painted by mid-march we would skip it and all the walls would just be white. It's seems like a good compromise and I hope by putting a deadline out there maybe it would help me to get it done. We will just have to see.

Why does this have to be hard, isn't it suppose to be fun?

Valentine's Day

In the past I have viewed Valentine's Day as a day that we should our significant other our love through thoughtful gifts, actions, etc. I have always put pressure on my self to do something thoughtful or grand for M wanting him to feel special. At the same time I have always had this internal drive to hope that M will do something as well to "blow my mind". I have always had high expectations for Valentine's Day and some years they have been met and some years they haven't. However, I find that this year feels differently. I don't feel the pressure to do anything grand or really anything. I want to celebrate the day but I didn't even get M a gift like I usually do. Actually, that isn't true. About two weeks ago I bought M a PlayStation 3. I wanted to do something thoughtful for him for everything he has done this past few months, for getting a second job and not complaining and for being my support system. Yet, I labeled it a "just because I love you/early Valentine's Day/Early Birthday gift" because I know when his birthday comes around in June we won't have the time, money or energy for much. In previous years, I would have gotten him something still using the "it's Valentine's Day everyone deserves to feel loved on that day" but not this year. In fact, I told M not to get me anything. He wouldn't take no for an answer so I told him to get me a pedicure. We will see if that happens.


Anyways, the point is this year I don't want anything. I want to celebrate but I want to do that by having a relaxing day. I have been so busy since April of last year. I have been exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally for months. The exhaustion doesn't last long and I just push through but I just want one day to do nothing. I don't plan to clean the house, or cook, or grocery shop, or anything on Saturday. I just want to have a day of nothing. A day that I don't have to make a decision. I don't' want to think about what we eat, or do. Now, I don't want to sit at home all day but I want to just relax finally. To spend a day enjoying my husband. Enjoying us before our lives become about Olivia. More than anything I desire this. Now we just have to see if this really happens or if I talk myself out of it.

One day it might feel real

To this day it still doesn't seem real that we are having a baby. We are going through the motions. We have doctors appointments, we have seen her face on an ultrasound. We have bought a crib (even though we haven't put it up yet). We are even starting to work on the nursery and preparing for birth by making plans, enrolling in classes at the hospital and working on maternity leave. However, it still doesn't seem real. How is it possible that in about 14 weeks I am suppose to have a baby? I don't feel any differently other that much larger due to my stomach finally starting to show. Even when I feel her kick, it just seems like something that is happening but not to me. I always thought I would be one of those people who fell in love with pregnancy. Fell in love with my child before they were even here but I am slightly ashamed to say I'm not. I don't hate pregnancy, I'm just ambivalent to it. I am excited to have a little girl but I feel no connection with her. I fear this could lead to postpartum depression. I don't even know if M feels connected to this pregnancy. Before we were pregnant we used to talk about how we would talk to our baby every day, take lots of picture and sing/read to her but that is not the case. We are so tired by the end of the night we both just go to sleep. We don't do any of the things I thought we would. I haven't even really started my nursery. We have some things but I can't seem to find the desire to get in there and finish it. I know we have months but I am a planner. I like to have things done ahead of time but I don't feel rushed with this. I keep telling myself I will have plenty of time later to finish it.

It just feels so strange because it still doesn't seem real. It doesn't feel like we will have a baby. It doesn't feel like we will actually cross this finish line. When will it feel real? When will it really hit us that we ARE having a baby? When will I feel connected to the baby? I don't think there is really an answer for it but because I don't I feel a bit ashamed even though I know it's normal for some women...

Seasons of Change

I find it so ironic how life just changes it seems like overnight. I know that most of the time it doesn't just change overnight. Most of the time there is some sort of force that has been moving towards the change in your life. It can either be you actively making difference choices to move towards a goal, it could be you inactively making choices that lead to a bit change and I even believe it can be the universe just changing things and you never know why. I only say this because a few weeks ago I was struck with the idea that I have noticed most of my friends lives have changed so dramatically in the last few months but when I look back I can see the small steps that have lead each of us towards these changes. These are all just brief seasons. Seasons that will pass and allow us rest before the next one hits but it doesn't make it any easier or less strange how we end up in them.

I have a grandmother in the process of grieving for her husband while dealing with a bankruptcy, losing her house and moving.

I have a brother who is trying to grow up quickly because he knows that soon he will leave our house and have to be an adult. Graduation will be here soon and then his life will have to start. There is no more stalling, no more 'being a kid' and that only adds to his stress.

I have one friend who is dealing with the repercussions of her husband who drinks too much and how it now is truly affect her and the kids. She also just lost her job, adding to the stress.

I have one friend whose career really seems to be taking off after years of changing her mind and years of trying to get to this point.

I have one friend who is dealing with the reality of what her marriage has become and trying to decide what is best for her. A situation no one ever wants to find themselves in because it really makes you examine your life, have realizations you didn't want to have and make choices that just seem unbearable at times.

I have one friend who seems to only be diving more into her despair of life, being so unhappy with everything mainly because she can't have a baby and won't make the necessary steps need to either get pregnant or adopt. Her marriage seems shaky because of her emotional state.

I have one friend who doesn't seem to really be changing at all but is happy where she is. I only throw this in there because it seems like there is always one that doesn't change often and is happy with life.

Then there is me. I am going to have a baby in a few months. Something I was beginning to fear would not happen until it did. I am also in the midst of a new part-time job that is giving me some great experience that will either lead me to work full-time for this company or set me up with the knowledge needed to move my career in another path.

There is just so much change and it all seems to happen at the same time. Here we all are at pivotal moments in our lives with so many choices to make and too much stress to bear. The only thing we can cling to in times like this is the love our family and friends because when this season of change is complete they are who will be left (if you didn't push them away).

2015

It can't be 2015 already, can it? I can't believe that we have already started a new year and this year it will be a big one. First, T will graduate. I am so excited for him. Even though I am frustrated with him so often, I am also proud of all the hard work he has put in. He has had a lot of things he has to overcome and he has really made an attempt to overcome them all. Before he knows it it will be May and he will be walking across that stage. I know he is so nervous but he will be great. Everyone is nervous to start their lives outside of high school but I believe that if he puts his mind to it, he can do great things.

However, the thing that I am most excited about is Olivia's entrance into the world. I am so excited and yet terrified at the same time. It's going to be here before we know it. It this year is anything like last year we will just blink and she will be almost here. We have so much to do before she gets her. I have to come up with an maternity plan for work and make sure everything is covered for my 8 week break, including thinking of everything I can for our big fundraiser that will take place the same weekend she is due. On top of that we have to get everything ready at home from baby proofing, to making a nursery, to preparing our dog, to stocking up on supplies all while trying to save as much money as possible. It's all overwhelming and yet I am excited for the challenge (that's how much I love organizing and planning. I think my weirdness is really starting to show). Oh, did I also mention we are both still working two jobs?

This year is going to be crazy. Actually, I think the more appropriate response is that this year is going to just a lifetime of crazy and I am not sure we are quite ready for it.

Can't I look pregnant already?

I am so tired of this already of this in between stage of pregnancy. I see all these photos of women how are as far along as I am and they either look normal or they are HUGE but not me. You can tell I have gained weight over the past few months. Unfortunately, it still looks as if I am just fat and not pregnant. My belly hasn't rounded out yet and its still pretty flabby. I can't wait until it's obvious that I am pregnant and not just putting away too many of the holiday sweets.

That's my rant for day brought to you by the person I saw at Wal-mart that said "man, the holidays haven't been kind to you. You have really packed on some pounds. That's so sad since you did a great job losing weight". Thanks for the confidence boost during this already emotional pregnancy.

Power in a name

I believe that there can be power in a name. What your parents name you can make a difference. At some point in everyone's like I feel like they have found someone with their same name that inspires them. That encourages them to be better. That is why we have chosen to name our daughter after one of the most intelligent, caring, outgoing, funny and successful women I know. We have chosen to have her middle name be Margaret after my lifelong mentor. I strive to this day to become a better person and a better women like Margaret and I hope that one day when my daughter is struggling with the temptations of this world that she can reflect on her namesake and see that there is a better path. I hope that just by having her name somehow it will encourage her to be strong and caring. It will encourage her to see the world as it is and reach out to make it a better place. I hope it will encourage her to work hard and understand there are no bounds because she is a women. I hope her reminds her that love can run deep and change so many lives if you chose to put yourself out there and love those around you.

Ultimately, I hope that by this small chose, I will be reminded to raise her as a strong, independent women. That I will remember all the times that Margaret taught me about compassion and hard work. All the times she would go out of her way to make me feel loved and needed. That I remember that time is a precious gift that when given can nourish a soul to blossom into something beautiful. I hope it reminds me that of who my daughter can be and that she can only become that if she has a strong women (or a few strong women) to help her grow and catch her when she fall. To help her dust off and move forward in a world that tries to keep her down.

This is why I chose Margaret. To remind me that there is good in everyone and that I must foster that in my daughter. That I must teach her to love deeply, to care, to work hard and to reach for the stars.

A Little Bump

Today I have noticed that I am slowly starting to show. I really think it is still mainly bloating and other things of that sort but then I have to remember that I am also about 4 1/2 months pregnant. It's kind of nice to be showing but I have to tell you. With every pound I gain my anxiety kicks in. I worked so hard before to lose weight and keep it off. Now, I see the scale climbing despite watching what I eat, exercising and such. I know I have to gain weight and I an okay with that but the scale is going up more than it should each week. I am fearful to go to the doctor for he may say something. I am fearful of gaining too much because it is bad for me and baby. It's a struggle that only get worse each week. I am not sure what to do about it. I remind myself I have to eat and exercise still and try not to worry about the scale but it's constantly in my head. Every bite worries me, every time I weight I panic. I am starting to think something is wrong with me. Is it possible to have temporary eating disorder? I used to never worry about it until I was pregnant. Any advice from those who have been through this before?

Hulk in the morning

This morning I wish my coffee was real coffee or maybe even whiskey.... It's been a rough day and it's only 8:40am. Before 8:00am this morning I managed to yell at ever person in my household. It started with my dog. First, he keep me up all night with his continuous whining to go outside. It continued for three hours before he stopped and finally went to sleep. However, after getting up to start getting ready he was in my way. Every time I would turn there he was and I would trip over him. If I wasn't tripping over him then all I could hear is his whining. What was his deal this morning? He was my first victim.


Next was my brother. I realized that he wasn't out of bed at 6:50 this morning even though he has to be out the door at 7:05 to catch the bus. Normally, I wouldn't have cared since this is the first time this entire semester I have had to go wake him up. However, we have been struggling for over a week over his senior English paper. He hasn't started it and it's due on Monday. Wait, What?! I bought him the book for it over 2 months ago. I have been talking with him about it every week but yesterday I found out he hadn't finished reading the book and that he can't find the appropriate research needed for his paper so his teacher told him he needed to switch books (over a week a go). Frustrated, I picked a book for him to do off of the list. I made sure it would be interesting and that it was a shorter one so he could read it in about two days and then spend the rest of his break working on the paper. This morning I found out he read a total of 2 pages of it yesterday and then fell asleep. I lost it. Does he plan to graduate? I had some choice words for him this morning but I know the battle is far from over.

Lastly, my dear husband got on to me for "being too harsh" on my brother this early in the morning. I lost it. I told him I was tired of always being the bad guy when it comes to my brother. I know he's not our "kid" but I needed some support if we were going to get him to graduation. I was so frustrated I ate my bowl of cereal in silence then left to do some last minute grocery shopping before the craziness of the week begins (of course we have to run out of bread, milk and need tomato sauce right before the holidays).


Needless to say, I am having a rough morning and I don't foresee it getting any better this week. I will have to continue to fight with my brother has he works a lot over break but needs to do his project. I have to do all this while working 6 hours on Thanksgiving and 6 hours on Black Friday at Kmart and some how fit in some family time, some relaxing time and maybe time for me to scream from everything going on.

I'll keep you apprise if I can manage to keep my head or if I become the hulk this week. Oh, did I mention I am tired today.

At the end of my rope

Things lately have not be the best at our household. It's been a tough month. It started out with my grandfather passing. It wasn't unexpected but it did happen much quicker than we anticipated. We were out of town for almost a week to attend the services, help my grandmother out and figure out what my grandmother will do know. It was such a stressful time.

Then we returned to work which is always stressful after being gone but add on all the extra things we do for the community during the Holidays and you can see why my stress level is up. Then add in the fact that our garage door and dishwasher broke (so added expenses) and you can see why I feel at whits end this month. I am tired. The stress has made my morning sickness worse but I am also a stress eater.

The good news is that we did have another doctors appointment this week. The baby is doing well and they even scheduled our gender scan. Can you believe that in less than a month we will know if we are having a daughter or son? It seems crazy how fast it is already going. I was over the moon until the doctor told me I have gained 18 pounds since becoming pregnant. Wait, what?! That isn't right, my scale at home say 8. Most of my clothes still fit. How can I have gained almost 20 pounds and not notice. I tried to tell him it didn't seem right but all he said was I needed to "stop eating sweets, stop having seconds and try not to gain anymore between now and my appointment in 6 weeks". That's crazy. I still think he is wrong but I am back to watching what I am eating and exercising more. I still eat when I am hungry because I don't want the baby to lack but I try to make better choices no matter what I crave.

Overall, I'm stressed, I'm tried and I am sad. All these things I feel will only get worse as the holidays approach. At least I can look forward to finding out the gender of the baby.


Till next time.

Roller Coaster Weekend

This weekend has been a roller coaster for M and I. It started out marvelous. We finally decided to announce to our friends and the world that we are expecting a baby. We are so nervous because it is now out there. If something goes wrong everyone will know. Everyone will need to be told. It's terrifying but it's also exciting to see all the love and encouragement that flooded our way. After announcing Saturday morning we spent the early afternoon shopping for maternity clothes, Christmas gifts and other misc things. It was fun to relax with M. To get some time together just thinking about the future. Then Sunday came and our excitement was exchanged with heartbreak. We found out on Sunday that my grandfather was being put on hospice. It happened so quick. Two weeks ago he had a heart attack and they said that he would have 6 months to a year left. Then this weekend the pain became to much and he decided he would no longer do dialysis (he has been in kidney failure for several years now). The doctor said if he stopped dialysis he would have 7-10 days but then later that evening he had another attack. This mean he may not make it more than 3-5 days depending on his heart.

I haven't cried yet. Instead, I have focused my attention on figuring out how to get my sisters and brother home to see him. It's like moving an army. I have spent my time figuring out when I should leave to see him and what I need to do in order to leave. I have spent my time being strong and passing information around the family. I haven't cried yet but I know it's coming. I can feel my heart breaking a little more each minute. My grandfather has always been there for me. He has made sacrifices for me and my siblings that I couldn't imagine but he will not be there for us. He will never meet my child and my child will never meet their amazing grandfather. I am still holding it together but I don't know how long the dam will hold. Until it breaks I will push forward. I will continue to work. I will continue to make plans and get the family home. I will continue until I can't.

We have a heartbeat!

Today I had my second appointment with my OB-GYN. It was quite routine. Pee in a cup, weight yourself, ask lots of questions but at least today we got to do something different, listen to my baby's heartbeat. I have been nervous because I have had few symptoms and then the nurse said "your only 10 weeks so we may have trouble finding it". Probably something you should say to a nervous pregnant women. She was wrong. She put the wand on my uterus and BAM- heartbeat right away. It was neat to hear but I have to admit I didn't get as excited as I thought. Maybe it was because M wasn't there but I suspect it might me more. I really haven't been excited so far. All I can think about is all the weight I will gain (I know shallow) and all the money we need that we don't have. I just kept thinking about how tired I am because I am working two jobs and now M is too. It's been exhausting and stressful not at all exciting.

My hope is that when we tell people I will get more exciting. In fact, we plan on telling my family this weekend and M's next weekend. Then two or three weeks later we will tell the world (if our families can keep it a secret). I hope I soon find that excitement but until then I know that we have a healthy baby.

The joys of pregnancy so far...

Besides being excited to be growing a human being inside me and the excitement of being a parent there have been very few joys so far in pregnancy. Now, I would like to say that up to this week everything has been pretty easy for me. I have had very few symptoms and most of the time feel normal. However, that started to change this week. Now I am really tired and the morning sickness has started to become a bit more frequent. This has left me in quite a funk this week, therefore I have decided to share with you a few things that has happened over the past two weeks that I like to call the "joys of pregnancy"

1. I became very nauseous after eating lunch one day. It didn't really hit until I was in the Atwood parking lot so I took off running towards the bathroom. People looked at me like a mad women but I made it...barely. That is when I managed to throw up in my hair.

2. I now do a little dance every time I poop. Which is rare nowadays.

3. I got a migraine yesterday but being unable to take good medications for it I instead had to stay home and try and nurse it in bed. This consisted of a lot of tossing, turning and grunting as I couldn't get comfortable.

4. I was so nauseous this morning but hadn't thrown up yet. Until I sneezed which caused me to throw up...at my desk. Thankfully no one saw me because we haven't told anyone at work yet.

5. Some nights I sleep like the dead other nights I have so much energy I could run a marathon. It terrible because anytime I am tired you can read it on my face. The other day I had many people ask "what's wrong with you, you look terrible". My response was that I was tired but I really just wanted to rip their heads off for pointing out the fact I looked like the a zombie from the Walking Dead.

6. My boobs are huge and any real sudden movements makes them hurt or causes me to panic because they may suffocate me if I move wrong.


I guess this is all to be expected in pregnancy but it still sucks. On an even worst note, M will start a part-time job next week. He will only be able to work Tuesday and Thursday evenings. Which happens to be the opposite days I work so we won't see each other before 9:00pm Monday-Thursday and will both work on Sundays. I am sure that will do wonders for our marriage as we manage a teenager, my mother and this pregnancy. I have a feeling these next 8 months will not be pleasant, relaxing ones.

Sorry for all the gloom today, it's been a rough week.

Disbelief

I think I am still in the disbelieve mode of pregnancy. I can't fathom that I am going to have a baby, let alone that I am pregnant. Besides a few things, nothing seems to have changed for me. I don't really have very many symptoms and they come and go frequently. I think every day I still check to make sure I am not bleeding. Each days seems to get a bit better but the fear of a miscarriage is strong and can sometime be consuming. I never thought that the first part of pregnancy would be so confusing and stressful. My entire life I thought I would feel joy and excitement but I can't seem to manage those feelings often. Instead I am left feelings of fear, disbelief and confusion.

I think these feeling have also lead me to know really tell many people. I get excited sometime and want to blurt it out but then I don't. I fear if I say it out loud it will end. That as soon as the world knows it will decided to play a cosmic joke and I will lose the baby. So I don't say anything. So far the only person in either of our families that know is one of my sisters. Besides that I have two friends, a co-worker and M's boss that know. Everyone else is in the dark. I hope that after my next appointment in October I will feel more comfortable sharing our news.

So my questions is: Is this normal? If so, I was not prepared. I hope that as the weeks continue I begin to feel more joy and stability.

Our little nugget!

So here it is, our little nugget! We had our first ultrasound on Friday. I was so nervous the day before and the morning of. I was so thankful that our appointment was at 9:00am otherwise I would have been a wreck. I feared that the baby wouldn't be there or that there was something wrong but everything was fine. As soon as he started the ultrasound I could see the baby. It was so small but I knew it was there. Then he showed us the heartbeat, it was strong. We didn't get to hear it but I assumed we wouldn't, maybe next time.

The baby is measuring a bit behind but we aren't surprised given I ovulated later. My estimated due date is May 12th but that could always change in the future so right now we are saying mid-may. We are so excited now but terrified. We are really going to be parents and that really freaks us out. We wish we were more financially prepared but I think everyone does so we will move forward. We have told a few people but very few. We are waiting to tell most people after the first trimester which would be first part of November but we have thought about making the announcement on Halloween. For now, we need to figure out when to tell our families and when to tell my boss.

So far I have had no real symptoms. I have been a bit tired and hungry but there has been no morning sickness or food aversions. I am thankful for that but sometimes I think they would help reassure me. My other fear (which I know many people will think is irrational) is that I will gain too much weight. I have seen so many women do that and have trouble getting it off. I have never been a small girl but worked hard the last few years to get weight off and keep it off, so I hope I can do well with the baby.

Until next time, here's a picture of our little nugget.

24 hours

I have 24 hours left until my first doctors appointment. This is where we should confirm our pregnancy. I have taken countless test all being positive since my first one on September 1 but it's still hard to wrap my head around. However, since Tuesday I have been nothing but concerned. I took my last digital weeks estimator test but I didn't get the results I was hoping for. If you know anything about these test they are suppose to read HCG levels and estimate how far along you are since conception. When I took the first one it said 1-2 weeks. Then one week later I took a second one and it read 2-3 week. Therefore, on Tuesday I took my third and final one. I expected that it would say 3+ weeks because I was over 6 weeks along. However, it still ready 2-3 weeks. This is when the dread set it. Now, I know those test are not always accurate. Many things can change the results from if you have diluted urine, or not being exactly 6 weeks along. However, all I can think is that there is something wrong with the baby. That my levels aren't rising enough. Of course, it would be more logical to think that I ovulated a bit late and have my dates off but what rational person would really think that?

Therefore, all day Tuesday I just kept checking to make sure I wasn't bleeding or my symptoms didn't change. Everything seemed fine. Yesterday, I was too busy to really think about it. However, today I feel like I am in an downward spiral of anxiety and dread. I didn't have very many symptoms yesterday, my boobs seems smaller today, I am not as tired as I have been... All these questions keep filling my mind. It's only 9:00am and I can't concentrate as I am consumed with fear. Maybe this is how many women feel before their appointments. Logically, you could argue that a women can start preparing herself for bad news at her first appointment as a defense mechanism. I have already not allowed myself to get too excited about being pregnant. The first week or two I read books, blogs, etc. However, this week I haven't read anything. I refuse to allow myself to get preoccupied anymore until I know for sure.

It this what is really going on? Am I just putting up walls for fear of tomorrow or is my instincts kicking in telling me there is something wrong? I won't know until tomorrow but I feel I will be cursed to worry and stress for the next 24 hours.

A new kind of waiting

I know it's been a while since I wrote on here but it's been a bit crazy since the last time I was on here. Remember how I told you I was in my two week wait? Well, it was a pretty uneventful two weeks. I tested four days before my period, nothing. I tested 3 days before my period, nothing. I tested 2 day before my period, nothing. So I went along with my life. That weekend we built a fence. It was hard work. We lugged around 170 fence post, ten 80-lb bags of cement and dug 10 post holes. I got to use a nail gun and in the end we ended up having a pretty good looking fence. All weekend I waited for my period to start so I could have a beer but Sunday passed and nothing. So Monday (which happened to be Labor Day) approached and still nothing. I woke up about 6:30 that morning to go to the bathroom and decided that should take a test just in case and it's best with my first morning urine. I fumbled around for a test and took it. As I sat there half asleep starting at the test I realized something. Two lines were coming up. Wait, what?! Two lines. What does that mean? I sat there dumbfounded and confused for a while. It meant I AM PREGNANT! It's not possible. I sat there in shock, crying. It happened but how. My test were negative days before how is it so positive now (it wasn't a light line). So what did I do next?

I went back to bed, tapped M on the shoulder and when he rolled over I told him I thought I was pregnant. He kissed me and went back to bed. So did I. I woke up two hours later and took two more cheapie internet test. Both faint but positive. Then I sat on the bed as M got up to go to the restroom. I waiting for him to see the test on the back on the toilet. When he came out I asked him if he remembered what I told him. He said "yep, you're pregnant".

That was it, my big reveal. I somehow always manage to ruin the big moments in our lives. Later that day I took a test that was digital and it said pregnant!

Now I have a new kind of waiting. I have to wait until September 19 for my first appointment to confirm pregnancy and have an ultrasound. I can't believe I have to wait so long but because I am young and never had a problem before it's standard. So for that last week I have taken a few more test to be sure but they are all still positive. I may really be pregnant. I don't think M or I are letting ourselves get excited until our doctors appointment but this might really be happening.

Now we just have to figure out when and how to tell our friends and family. We don't want to be alone in this but we don't want to tell anyone until we are sure we are. So until then, I will tell you- the internet world and my one follower, whoever you are. After 17 months I am finally PREGNANT!

Here we are again

I am in the two week wait now. If you recall from previous post, this means I am waiting to find out if I am pregnant. Today I am what they consider 4dpo (days past ovulation) and it's the worst. Now I get to have secret debates with myself for about the next week and a half about whether or not I am pregnant. Most likely the answer is no. Even though I had my HSG this month (which for some reason increases fertility for a few months afterwards) and even though we have been both been taking medicine I have a feeling I am already out this month. I don't know why, but I feel like with my temperatures from my charts and everything that it just didn't work this month but of course no one can know for certain. Instead I get heart debates with my logical self every time I get a cramp, feel a twinge, get heartburn, don't sleep well, check my BBT each morning, or yawn at work. It's ridiculous. It would be convenient to get pregnant this month because it would be before the heat of summer, would be around the time T graduates and who am I kidding I am tried of trying. It's been about 17 months, it is time to get pregnant! However, only time will tell. Let the countdown begin, T-minus 10 days until I know if I am pregnant or not.