Power in a name

I believe that there can be power in a name. What your parents name you can make a difference. At some point in everyone's like I feel like they have found someone with their same name that inspires them. That encourages them to be better. That is why we have chosen to name our daughter after one of the most intelligent, caring, outgoing, funny and successful women I know. We have chosen to have her middle name be Margaret after my lifelong mentor. I strive to this day to become a better person and a better women like Margaret and I hope that one day when my daughter is struggling with the temptations of this world that she can reflect on her namesake and see that there is a better path. I hope that just by having her name somehow it will encourage her to be strong and caring. It will encourage her to see the world as it is and reach out to make it a better place. I hope it will encourage her to work hard and understand there are no bounds because she is a women. I hope her reminds her that love can run deep and change so many lives if you chose to put yourself out there and love those around you.

Ultimately, I hope that by this small chose, I will be reminded to raise her as a strong, independent women. That I will remember all the times that Margaret taught me about compassion and hard work. All the times she would go out of her way to make me feel loved and needed. That I remember that time is a precious gift that when given can nourish a soul to blossom into something beautiful. I hope it reminds me that of who my daughter can be and that she can only become that if she has a strong women (or a few strong women) to help her grow and catch her when she fall. To help her dust off and move forward in a world that tries to keep her down.

This is why I chose Margaret. To remind me that there is good in everyone and that I must foster that in my daughter. That I must teach her to love deeply, to care, to work hard and to reach for the stars.

A Little Bump

Today I have noticed that I am slowly starting to show. I really think it is still mainly bloating and other things of that sort but then I have to remember that I am also about 4 1/2 months pregnant. It's kind of nice to be showing but I have to tell you. With every pound I gain my anxiety kicks in. I worked so hard before to lose weight and keep it off. Now, I see the scale climbing despite watching what I eat, exercising and such. I know I have to gain weight and I an okay with that but the scale is going up more than it should each week. I am fearful to go to the doctor for he may say something. I am fearful of gaining too much because it is bad for me and baby. It's a struggle that only get worse each week. I am not sure what to do about it. I remind myself I have to eat and exercise still and try not to worry about the scale but it's constantly in my head. Every bite worries me, every time I weight I panic. I am starting to think something is wrong with me. Is it possible to have temporary eating disorder? I used to never worry about it until I was pregnant. Any advice from those who have been through this before?

Hulk in the morning

This morning I wish my coffee was real coffee or maybe even whiskey.... It's been a rough day and it's only 8:40am. Before 8:00am this morning I managed to yell at ever person in my household. It started with my dog. First, he keep me up all night with his continuous whining to go outside. It continued for three hours before he stopped and finally went to sleep. However, after getting up to start getting ready he was in my way. Every time I would turn there he was and I would trip over him. If I wasn't tripping over him then all I could hear is his whining. What was his deal this morning? He was my first victim.


Next was my brother. I realized that he wasn't out of bed at 6:50 this morning even though he has to be out the door at 7:05 to catch the bus. Normally, I wouldn't have cared since this is the first time this entire semester I have had to go wake him up. However, we have been struggling for over a week over his senior English paper. He hasn't started it and it's due on Monday. Wait, What?! I bought him the book for it over 2 months ago. I have been talking with him about it every week but yesterday I found out he hadn't finished reading the book and that he can't find the appropriate research needed for his paper so his teacher told him he needed to switch books (over a week a go). Frustrated, I picked a book for him to do off of the list. I made sure it would be interesting and that it was a shorter one so he could read it in about two days and then spend the rest of his break working on the paper. This morning I found out he read a total of 2 pages of it yesterday and then fell asleep. I lost it. Does he plan to graduate? I had some choice words for him this morning but I know the battle is far from over.

Lastly, my dear husband got on to me for "being too harsh" on my brother this early in the morning. I lost it. I told him I was tired of always being the bad guy when it comes to my brother. I know he's not our "kid" but I needed some support if we were going to get him to graduation. I was so frustrated I ate my bowl of cereal in silence then left to do some last minute grocery shopping before the craziness of the week begins (of course we have to run out of bread, milk and need tomato sauce right before the holidays).


Needless to say, I am having a rough morning and I don't foresee it getting any better this week. I will have to continue to fight with my brother has he works a lot over break but needs to do his project. I have to do all this while working 6 hours on Thanksgiving and 6 hours on Black Friday at Kmart and some how fit in some family time, some relaxing time and maybe time for me to scream from everything going on.

I'll keep you apprise if I can manage to keep my head or if I become the hulk this week. Oh, did I mention I am tired today.

At the end of my rope

Things lately have not be the best at our household. It's been a tough month. It started out with my grandfather passing. It wasn't unexpected but it did happen much quicker than we anticipated. We were out of town for almost a week to attend the services, help my grandmother out and figure out what my grandmother will do know. It was such a stressful time.

Then we returned to work which is always stressful after being gone but add on all the extra things we do for the community during the Holidays and you can see why my stress level is up. Then add in the fact that our garage door and dishwasher broke (so added expenses) and you can see why I feel at whits end this month. I am tired. The stress has made my morning sickness worse but I am also a stress eater.

The good news is that we did have another doctors appointment this week. The baby is doing well and they even scheduled our gender scan. Can you believe that in less than a month we will know if we are having a daughter or son? It seems crazy how fast it is already going. I was over the moon until the doctor told me I have gained 18 pounds since becoming pregnant. Wait, what?! That isn't right, my scale at home say 8. Most of my clothes still fit. How can I have gained almost 20 pounds and not notice. I tried to tell him it didn't seem right but all he said was I needed to "stop eating sweets, stop having seconds and try not to gain anymore between now and my appointment in 6 weeks". That's crazy. I still think he is wrong but I am back to watching what I am eating and exercising more. I still eat when I am hungry because I don't want the baby to lack but I try to make better choices no matter what I crave.

Overall, I'm stressed, I'm tried and I am sad. All these things I feel will only get worse as the holidays approach. At least I can look forward to finding out the gender of the baby.


Till next time.

Roller Coaster Weekend

This weekend has been a roller coaster for M and I. It started out marvelous. We finally decided to announce to our friends and the world that we are expecting a baby. We are so nervous because it is now out there. If something goes wrong everyone will know. Everyone will need to be told. It's terrifying but it's also exciting to see all the love and encouragement that flooded our way. After announcing Saturday morning we spent the early afternoon shopping for maternity clothes, Christmas gifts and other misc things. It was fun to relax with M. To get some time together just thinking about the future. Then Sunday came and our excitement was exchanged with heartbreak. We found out on Sunday that my grandfather was being put on hospice. It happened so quick. Two weeks ago he had a heart attack and they said that he would have 6 months to a year left. Then this weekend the pain became to much and he decided he would no longer do dialysis (he has been in kidney failure for several years now). The doctor said if he stopped dialysis he would have 7-10 days but then later that evening he had another attack. This mean he may not make it more than 3-5 days depending on his heart.

I haven't cried yet. Instead, I have focused my attention on figuring out how to get my sisters and brother home to see him. It's like moving an army. I have spent my time figuring out when I should leave to see him and what I need to do in order to leave. I have spent my time being strong and passing information around the family. I haven't cried yet but I know it's coming. I can feel my heart breaking a little more each minute. My grandfather has always been there for me. He has made sacrifices for me and my siblings that I couldn't imagine but he will not be there for us. He will never meet my child and my child will never meet their amazing grandfather. I am still holding it together but I don't know how long the dam will hold. Until it breaks I will push forward. I will continue to work. I will continue to make plans and get the family home. I will continue until I can't.

We have a heartbeat!

Today I had my second appointment with my OB-GYN. It was quite routine. Pee in a cup, weight yourself, ask lots of questions but at least today we got to do something different, listen to my baby's heartbeat. I have been nervous because I have had few symptoms and then the nurse said "your only 10 weeks so we may have trouble finding it". Probably something you should say to a nervous pregnant women. She was wrong. She put the wand on my uterus and BAM- heartbeat right away. It was neat to hear but I have to admit I didn't get as excited as I thought. Maybe it was because M wasn't there but I suspect it might me more. I really haven't been excited so far. All I can think about is all the weight I will gain (I know shallow) and all the money we need that we don't have. I just kept thinking about how tired I am because I am working two jobs and now M is too. It's been exhausting and stressful not at all exciting.

My hope is that when we tell people I will get more exciting. In fact, we plan on telling my family this weekend and M's next weekend. Then two or three weeks later we will tell the world (if our families can keep it a secret). I hope I soon find that excitement but until then I know that we have a healthy baby.

The joys of pregnancy so far...

Besides being excited to be growing a human being inside me and the excitement of being a parent there have been very few joys so far in pregnancy. Now, I would like to say that up to this week everything has been pretty easy for me. I have had very few symptoms and most of the time feel normal. However, that started to change this week. Now I am really tired and the morning sickness has started to become a bit more frequent. This has left me in quite a funk this week, therefore I have decided to share with you a few things that has happened over the past two weeks that I like to call the "joys of pregnancy"

1. I became very nauseous after eating lunch one day. It didn't really hit until I was in the Atwood parking lot so I took off running towards the bathroom. People looked at me like a mad women but I made it...barely. That is when I managed to throw up in my hair.

2. I now do a little dance every time I poop. Which is rare nowadays.

3. I got a migraine yesterday but being unable to take good medications for it I instead had to stay home and try and nurse it in bed. This consisted of a lot of tossing, turning and grunting as I couldn't get comfortable.

4. I was so nauseous this morning but hadn't thrown up yet. Until I sneezed which caused me to throw up...at my desk. Thankfully no one saw me because we haven't told anyone at work yet.

5. Some nights I sleep like the dead other nights I have so much energy I could run a marathon. It terrible because anytime I am tired you can read it on my face. The other day I had many people ask "what's wrong with you, you look terrible". My response was that I was tired but I really just wanted to rip their heads off for pointing out the fact I looked like the a zombie from the Walking Dead.

6. My boobs are huge and any real sudden movements makes them hurt or causes me to panic because they may suffocate me if I move wrong.


I guess this is all to be expected in pregnancy but it still sucks. On an even worst note, M will start a part-time job next week. He will only be able to work Tuesday and Thursday evenings. Which happens to be the opposite days I work so we won't see each other before 9:00pm Monday-Thursday and will both work on Sundays. I am sure that will do wonders for our marriage as we manage a teenager, my mother and this pregnancy. I have a feeling these next 8 months will not be pleasant, relaxing ones.

Sorry for all the gloom today, it's been a rough week.