Seasons of Change

I find it so ironic how life just changes it seems like overnight. I know that most of the time it doesn't just change overnight. Most of the time there is some sort of force that has been moving towards the change in your life. It can either be you actively making difference choices to move towards a goal, it could be you inactively making choices that lead to a bit change and I even believe it can be the universe just changing things and you never know why. I only say this because a few weeks ago I was struck with the idea that I have noticed most of my friends lives have changed so dramatically in the last few months but when I look back I can see the small steps that have lead each of us towards these changes. These are all just brief seasons. Seasons that will pass and allow us rest before the next one hits but it doesn't make it any easier or less strange how we end up in them.

I have a grandmother in the process of grieving for her husband while dealing with a bankruptcy, losing her house and moving.

I have a brother who is trying to grow up quickly because he knows that soon he will leave our house and have to be an adult. Graduation will be here soon and then his life will have to start. There is no more stalling, no more 'being a kid' and that only adds to his stress.

I have one friend who is dealing with the repercussions of her husband who drinks too much and how it now is truly affect her and the kids. She also just lost her job, adding to the stress.

I have one friend whose career really seems to be taking off after years of changing her mind and years of trying to get to this point.

I have one friend who is dealing with the reality of what her marriage has become and trying to decide what is best for her. A situation no one ever wants to find themselves in because it really makes you examine your life, have realizations you didn't want to have and make choices that just seem unbearable at times.

I have one friend who seems to only be diving more into her despair of life, being so unhappy with everything mainly because she can't have a baby and won't make the necessary steps need to either get pregnant or adopt. Her marriage seems shaky because of her emotional state.

I have one friend who doesn't seem to really be changing at all but is happy where she is. I only throw this in there because it seems like there is always one that doesn't change often and is happy with life.

Then there is me. I am going to have a baby in a few months. Something I was beginning to fear would not happen until it did. I am also in the midst of a new part-time job that is giving me some great experience that will either lead me to work full-time for this company or set me up with the knowledge needed to move my career in another path.

There is just so much change and it all seems to happen at the same time. Here we all are at pivotal moments in our lives with so many choices to make and too much stress to bear. The only thing we can cling to in times like this is the love our family and friends because when this season of change is complete they are who will be left (if you didn't push them away).

2015

It can't be 2015 already, can it? I can't believe that we have already started a new year and this year it will be a big one. First, T will graduate. I am so excited for him. Even though I am frustrated with him so often, I am also proud of all the hard work he has put in. He has had a lot of things he has to overcome and he has really made an attempt to overcome them all. Before he knows it it will be May and he will be walking across that stage. I know he is so nervous but he will be great. Everyone is nervous to start their lives outside of high school but I believe that if he puts his mind to it, he can do great things.

However, the thing that I am most excited about is Olivia's entrance into the world. I am so excited and yet terrified at the same time. It's going to be here before we know it. It this year is anything like last year we will just blink and she will be almost here. We have so much to do before she gets her. I have to come up with an maternity plan for work and make sure everything is covered for my 8 week break, including thinking of everything I can for our big fundraiser that will take place the same weekend she is due. On top of that we have to get everything ready at home from baby proofing, to making a nursery, to preparing our dog, to stocking up on supplies all while trying to save as much money as possible. It's all overwhelming and yet I am excited for the challenge (that's how much I love organizing and planning. I think my weirdness is really starting to show). Oh, did I also mention we are both still working two jobs?

This year is going to be crazy. Actually, I think the more appropriate response is that this year is going to just a lifetime of crazy and I am not sure we are quite ready for it.

Can't I look pregnant already?

I am so tired of this already of this in between stage of pregnancy. I see all these photos of women how are as far along as I am and they either look normal or they are HUGE but not me. You can tell I have gained weight over the past few months. Unfortunately, it still looks as if I am just fat and not pregnant. My belly hasn't rounded out yet and its still pretty flabby. I can't wait until it's obvious that I am pregnant and not just putting away too many of the holiday sweets.

That's my rant for day brought to you by the person I saw at Wal-mart that said "man, the holidays haven't been kind to you. You have really packed on some pounds. That's so sad since you did a great job losing weight". Thanks for the confidence boost during this already emotional pregnancy.

Power in a name

I believe that there can be power in a name. What your parents name you can make a difference. At some point in everyone's like I feel like they have found someone with their same name that inspires them. That encourages them to be better. That is why we have chosen to name our daughter after one of the most intelligent, caring, outgoing, funny and successful women I know. We have chosen to have her middle name be Margaret after my lifelong mentor. I strive to this day to become a better person and a better women like Margaret and I hope that one day when my daughter is struggling with the temptations of this world that she can reflect on her namesake and see that there is a better path. I hope that just by having her name somehow it will encourage her to be strong and caring. It will encourage her to see the world as it is and reach out to make it a better place. I hope it will encourage her to work hard and understand there are no bounds because she is a women. I hope her reminds her that love can run deep and change so many lives if you chose to put yourself out there and love those around you.

Ultimately, I hope that by this small chose, I will be reminded to raise her as a strong, independent women. That I will remember all the times that Margaret taught me about compassion and hard work. All the times she would go out of her way to make me feel loved and needed. That I remember that time is a precious gift that when given can nourish a soul to blossom into something beautiful. I hope it reminds me that of who my daughter can be and that she can only become that if she has a strong women (or a few strong women) to help her grow and catch her when she fall. To help her dust off and move forward in a world that tries to keep her down.

This is why I chose Margaret. To remind me that there is good in everyone and that I must foster that in my daughter. That I must teach her to love deeply, to care, to work hard and to reach for the stars.

A Little Bump

Today I have noticed that I am slowly starting to show. I really think it is still mainly bloating and other things of that sort but then I have to remember that I am also about 4 1/2 months pregnant. It's kind of nice to be showing but I have to tell you. With every pound I gain my anxiety kicks in. I worked so hard before to lose weight and keep it off. Now, I see the scale climbing despite watching what I eat, exercising and such. I know I have to gain weight and I an okay with that but the scale is going up more than it should each week. I am fearful to go to the doctor for he may say something. I am fearful of gaining too much because it is bad for me and baby. It's a struggle that only get worse each week. I am not sure what to do about it. I remind myself I have to eat and exercise still and try not to worry about the scale but it's constantly in my head. Every bite worries me, every time I weight I panic. I am starting to think something is wrong with me. Is it possible to have temporary eating disorder? I used to never worry about it until I was pregnant. Any advice from those who have been through this before?

Hulk in the morning

This morning I wish my coffee was real coffee or maybe even whiskey.... It's been a rough day and it's only 8:40am. Before 8:00am this morning I managed to yell at ever person in my household. It started with my dog. First, he keep me up all night with his continuous whining to go outside. It continued for three hours before he stopped and finally went to sleep. However, after getting up to start getting ready he was in my way. Every time I would turn there he was and I would trip over him. If I wasn't tripping over him then all I could hear is his whining. What was his deal this morning? He was my first victim.


Next was my brother. I realized that he wasn't out of bed at 6:50 this morning even though he has to be out the door at 7:05 to catch the bus. Normally, I wouldn't have cared since this is the first time this entire semester I have had to go wake him up. However, we have been struggling for over a week over his senior English paper. He hasn't started it and it's due on Monday. Wait, What?! I bought him the book for it over 2 months ago. I have been talking with him about it every week but yesterday I found out he hadn't finished reading the book and that he can't find the appropriate research needed for his paper so his teacher told him he needed to switch books (over a week a go). Frustrated, I picked a book for him to do off of the list. I made sure it would be interesting and that it was a shorter one so he could read it in about two days and then spend the rest of his break working on the paper. This morning I found out he read a total of 2 pages of it yesterday and then fell asleep. I lost it. Does he plan to graduate? I had some choice words for him this morning but I know the battle is far from over.

Lastly, my dear husband got on to me for "being too harsh" on my brother this early in the morning. I lost it. I told him I was tired of always being the bad guy when it comes to my brother. I know he's not our "kid" but I needed some support if we were going to get him to graduation. I was so frustrated I ate my bowl of cereal in silence then left to do some last minute grocery shopping before the craziness of the week begins (of course we have to run out of bread, milk and need tomato sauce right before the holidays).


Needless to say, I am having a rough morning and I don't foresee it getting any better this week. I will have to continue to fight with my brother has he works a lot over break but needs to do his project. I have to do all this while working 6 hours on Thanksgiving and 6 hours on Black Friday at Kmart and some how fit in some family time, some relaxing time and maybe time for me to scream from everything going on.

I'll keep you apprise if I can manage to keep my head or if I become the hulk this week. Oh, did I mention I am tired today.

At the end of my rope

Things lately have not be the best at our household. It's been a tough month. It started out with my grandfather passing. It wasn't unexpected but it did happen much quicker than we anticipated. We were out of town for almost a week to attend the services, help my grandmother out and figure out what my grandmother will do know. It was such a stressful time.

Then we returned to work which is always stressful after being gone but add on all the extra things we do for the community during the Holidays and you can see why my stress level is up. Then add in the fact that our garage door and dishwasher broke (so added expenses) and you can see why I feel at whits end this month. I am tired. The stress has made my morning sickness worse but I am also a stress eater.

The good news is that we did have another doctors appointment this week. The baby is doing well and they even scheduled our gender scan. Can you believe that in less than a month we will know if we are having a daughter or son? It seems crazy how fast it is already going. I was over the moon until the doctor told me I have gained 18 pounds since becoming pregnant. Wait, what?! That isn't right, my scale at home say 8. Most of my clothes still fit. How can I have gained almost 20 pounds and not notice. I tried to tell him it didn't seem right but all he said was I needed to "stop eating sweets, stop having seconds and try not to gain anymore between now and my appointment in 6 weeks". That's crazy. I still think he is wrong but I am back to watching what I am eating and exercising more. I still eat when I am hungry because I don't want the baby to lack but I try to make better choices no matter what I crave.

Overall, I'm stressed, I'm tried and I am sad. All these things I feel will only get worse as the holidays approach. At least I can look forward to finding out the gender of the baby.


Till next time.