Surprise

I got a big surprise yesterday when I woke up. Aunt Flow was here. She was two days late but she arrived. It was a bittersweet moment especially since I really thought I was out this month with inconclusive OPK’s and no symptoms of her arrival. First, I am excited because it means that the medicine worked this month and I ovulated! Yay, I am not completely broken but instead some months my body will respond to the medicine and some months it won't. I think I can live with that. However, the next moment I am sad because it means we could have gotten pregnant this month but didn't. Since she was two days late it means I probably ovulated two days late. Unfortunately for me, this mean we only had sex the day before I ovulated and no time after ovulation. After Valentine's day everything got busy and I got tired. Plus, I assumed that if I was to O this month it would have been a few days earlier. I was wrong, so we missed our window.

So we are on to next month, let’s hope this is the month (since we only have two months left to have a baby this year, otherwise we are looking at a 2015 baby). Maybe the medicine will work again this month (I am fearful that one of my ovaries doesn't respond well to the medicine and since you alternative each month that this month the meds won't work). This month I am going to continue to use the OPK's and I am going to attempt to track my temperature. We will see how long this will happen since you are supposed to do it right after waking up and before your feet hit the floor. That has always been a challenge for me because it seem like the minute I wake up I really, really have to pee. We are also going to try a tea called Fertilitea that is supposed to help with balancing hormones and provide more energy. We will see it if works in the next few weeks. Until then I will just ride out AF and get ready to start over all the craziness of the meds.

Emotional Day

Today is already turning into an emotional day and it's only 9:30 in the morning. First, today is supposed to be the day that AF is supposed to show up. I understand that sometimes AF shows up a couple days late but I have had no symptoms of her showing. Of course I took a pregnancy test this morning to see if it was possible I was pregnant. Big fat negative. At least that means I can have a drink today at my birthday dinner but it also means that most likely I didn't ovulation this month. I can't believe that will be two months in a row. I think we will have to increase the medicine again this month if it doesn't work and I will have to take progesterone again to start a period. I am already getting discouraged. Once I start my period we will be entering month 11 of trying. So in 60 short days we will hit the one year mark, something I never wanted to do. It looks like it might be time to start looking into an RE to get tested to make sure it is nothing more than PCOS. I already emailed my insurance company to see if any of that is covered. I guess only time will tell.

The second reason it is emotional is because I found out a job that I have wanted for a few years now is finally open but I don't think I will even be able to apply. See currently I am a social director for seniors. I plan educational classes, social events, day trips, overnight trips and the occasionally cruise. I really enjoy it. I love to organize and I love to travel. This new position is almost the exact same expect it is a larger program meaning longer trips and even international trips! I could travel the world with groups. It would be amazing. Plus, it's with a company I have wanted to work with for quite a few years now. In fact, I have interviewed for quite a few jobs with them but we have never been able to see eye to eye on salary or what position I would be best for but they keep calling. The downside is that it requires one to travel 25% of the year with 15% of that being international travel. How can I commit to that much traveling when I am trying to have a baby? If by chance I did get pregnant I would be severely limited on the types of travel I could do. It would not be fair to the employer to join a team (if I got the job) and then turn around and be like, oh you know I can't travel for about 6 months or so. So what do I do? Do we hold off on the baby dreams since it doesn't seem to be working anyways and I follow this job instead or do I cling to the baby notion and let the job go? Don't get me wrong. I do love my job now. The company I work for is amazing and the people are fantastic but this job won't be available for long and may not be available again for quite some time.

So here I am. Not pregnant for the 10th month in a row standing at a dividing path. One includes moving forward with a career in group travel but would put my dreams of a baby on hold for at least a year or two (which may not be bad since we have a teenager right now. Plus what if it has a salary increase and we could then save for what insurance may not pay for or for an adoption). The second is a long path of staying where we are and continuing on this path that we have started to try and start our family. Continuing with the plans we have now and not changing.

I don't know what to do. My husband doesn't know either. Any thoughts?

16 and pregnant

When I see shows like 16 and pregnant or hear about women who get pregnant easily but either don't think they want their baby or are not in a situation ideal for having a baby I get angry. I know that anger is probably not the best response nor am I the first infertile women to feel this way but it is very frustrating. It's heartbreaking to first see all these women who are not ready to have children get the blessing of having them and it's heartbreaking every time I hear of women who have a baby only to treat them terribly because they didn't want them or to have an abortion.

Now, I want to stop there for a second. I don't want this blog to turn into a discussion of abortion. I can see both sides of abortion and have mixed feelings about it but I have to say every time I hear of one my heart breaks because to me being pregnant is a gift and I can't imagine throwing that gift away. So, let's leave it at that. I understand why some women get abortions and that sometimes there is a true need for them but it's still heartbreaking.

Let's move back on topic now. Why does it always seem that those women who have no business being pregnant or don't want to be pregnant seem to have no trouble getting pregnant? We are now at month 10 of TCC and I think this month will be a bust, moving us into month 11 hear in about the next week or two. As the time counts down to hitting the one year mark my emotions towards those women get stronger. I'm not angry at them but at their situation and mine. How they are able to have something I want desperately. I continue to tell myself that it's okay if we don't get pregnant for another couple months because it means my brother will be closer to being in college which will be better for our situation but it doesn't mean that every month it doesn't happen my soul seems to be a little more crushed. I wonder how much longer or if it will ever happen. How long do we try until we move onto other options? When will I finally get the talk to go see an RE instead of just my OBGYN? How long until we have to do those dreaded test that I am not sure my insurance will cover? When will we finally hear the verdict of why we really can't get pregnant (or will this be another case of unexplained infertility)?

I sit back and watch people around me get the things I want and it makes me angry. For example, I have a friend of Facebook that is younger than me that I have been friends with for a while. I was her mentor during high school but now that she is out we don't see much of each other. In her senior year of high school she became pregnant. At that time it wasn't a big deal for me emotionally because I wasn't ready to have a child but now she is pregnant again two years later. She is a single mother who barely works part-time but she gets a second child? How does that seem fair in the universe?

Again, I know that this is not a new concept of the unfairness of who gets pregnant and who doesn't. I am sure there have been many blog post, books, poems and journal entries about these but I wanted to say it just to make myself feel better. It is unfair to watch women who don't want or are not ready have children and it makes the wait for us who want them even worse.

Symptom Spotter

I am doing that one thing that is terrible to do during any women's TWW (Two week wait). I am symptom spotting. This is terrible for two reasons. First, I am not even sure that I ovulated this month. This is the first month I used OPK's (ovulation prediction kit) and it looked really good until it didn't. See you have a control line and a second line. When the second line gets as dark as or darker than the control line it means you are ovulating. Well mine looked really good. It looked like I would ovulate on day 16 because my line was so close to being the same color but not quite but then it happened. The line lightened and has been on a constant decrease since day 15. I am now on day 21.

Second reason it's terrible because it makes the waiting seem even worse. Here you are already waiting 14 days before you know if you have missed your actually period. For me, I am waiting to see if it comes for two reasons, one to see if I am pregnant and two if I am not to see if the medicine worked this month. And it is so frustrating because most early pregnancy symptoms are either similar to PMS or normal for me. So here I am at day 21. I am exhausted, my boobs ache, I am bloated and always hungry. Again none of those stick out as pregnancy things but every time I actually bump my boob and it hurts I think-- Maybe.

Also, I did have a weird dream last night. I dreamt that my friend who I know has been TCC (trying to conceive) for over a year now told us she was pregnant and all I did in my dream was go crazy, screaming that it wasn't fair and wishing I was pregnant and not her. It was very odd.

So here I am. I have 7 days left until I know if I am late or not. I doubt that I am pregnant being that many people start exhibiting more symptoms then mine this early one but I guess we will have to just wait and see. But how cool would it be to find out that I was on my birthday?

Valentine's Day

Life is still crazy. Things never really seem to calm down. I will say I had a fairly calm weekend which is always nice. I was able to recharge my battery and feel much more level headed now. My battery is not 100% charged but I can make it through a new week for sure. I enjoy seeing a movie with my best friend went to a marriage seminar with the hubster and even got to watch some TV. It was nice and much needed.

Now I am looking forward to this week. First off, I get to have dinner with my best friend tonight then Friday is Valentine's Day! In past years, Valentine's Day has been a day has been nice but seemed a bit forced. It was a day that the whole nation celebrated love. We buy each other presents and go out to dinner (or cook together). Most people would say it is a traditional Valentine's Day but to me is always seemed at bit weird. Don't get me wrong, I love getting presents and I love spending time with M but it seemed strange to celebrate our love on a specific day of the year. Shouldn't we do this randomly through the year? However, this year it feels different.

This year, I think we need the alone time. We need an excuse to find a place for T to go so we can spend time together. We need a night that we know we won't have to worry about what T is doing or where he wants to go, a night were my mother won't call out of politeness for the holiday. It seems like the nation has given us a free day and I plan on taking advantage of it. T is planning to go to a friend’s house after school on Friday. I will get off early because I will be working late the night before and M and I have already decided to just stay in and enjoy each other’s company. It's going to be a night that we can put aside everything that is going on. No being a parent, no being a caregiver, no tracking or worrying about trying to conceive a baby and no other people. Just M and I for one night, something I feel hasn't happened in a while. Don't get me wrong, T has stayed at friend’s house multiple times, but it always seems to be last minute and we tend to use the time to work on things around the house, or grocery shop, or go over our budget but not once have we used the time for us. I am excited to have a purposely planned evening where we can connect again. That's why I am looking forward to Valentine's Day this year because this year is seems important, a way to connect with my husband again.

Since this Valentine's Day seems more important that years before we have actually planned a simple relaxing evening. We planned go to all our favorite restaurants and get some of our favorite foods followed by dinner at home and watching some movies together. This year I have some great gifts planned plus we have decided to have a themed movie night. This time I get to pick so I thought “why not do something different”, so here it is: We will only watch movies that have a main character that has an epic mustache. So this means anything with Tom Selleck, Chuck Norris and movies like Dodgeball, Tombstone and Nacho Libre. I think it's going to be a fun evening of random movies. I plan to pull our bed out into the living room. Create a comfortable nest of blankets and see where the night takes us.

Rough Day

It's always frustrating when your day does not go as planned. This was yesterday for me and by the time the day ended I was exhausted. First, it started with our taxes which took much longer than it should, making me later to work than I would like. That started the day off wrong. Everything went fine at work until I got a call from my mother. You remember the one that is inpatient at a treatment center for an eating disorder. It's not unusual for her to call and check in but she called my cell phone 3 times before finally calling my work number. I assumed it was an emergency because she knows I am usually busy at work and only call that number if it's important. So I took a second away from covering our front desk at lunch time and gave her a call. This is where my day went wrong.

She wants to check out of the facility. She believes that there is something physically wrong with her and not psychological. At first, I am stunned at this and then it is immediately followed by irritation because I am at work and obviously don't have time to discuss this with her. We talk for a few minutes and she explains everyone at the facility was on board with her getting physically checked out but her therapist who things she is using it as a way not to address the problem. I tell her to let me think about it and give her a call when I have more time to chat.

Now, at this point I am frustrated. She only has 10 days left in the program. She always believes there is something physically wrong and that it needs to be fixed when something’s are psychologically wrong. I planned on calling her back and reminding her that one of the reasons she checked in is because she was chewing food and spitting it out so she wouldn’t get fat. That is not a physical problem but psychological. I understand she feels that when she eats everything stays in her upper body and never moves down but I don't believe that is the entire problem. I plan to remind her that even if she needs those tests ran it wouldn't be immediate so she could probably finish the program before the first appointment. I plan to tell her I want to talk with her therapist and doctor there before we make any decisions. However, when I called her back to tell her that she informed me that she had already checked herself out and is waiting for a ride. Now I am furious.

Why call me and ask me to discuss it if you already made your mind up? Why would you put me through this entire process of talking with your doctors, checking you in, driving an hour to see you a couple times, and dealing with our family asking question? Why would you ask me to be your advocate if you don't really plan to utilize me for anything other than money and a ride?

Then it gets worse. She calls back to tell me her ride fell through and since she is already checked out she has to have someone come get her. So not only did you not even care what I had to say I now have to drive an hour to get you? I wanted to tell her no, to figure it out herself but that is not what happened. I went to get her. I told her not to plan on talking while we were making the hour long drive back because I was too mad and would say not nice things. Then I had to take her to get groceries because she had no food in the house and a winter storm was set to hit us this morning. It was a long few hours. I didn't really talk with her. Of course, the first thing she said when getting in the car was "I know you don't want to talk about this but one of the doctors was going to come out and tell you he believed that I needed to leave but then he got busy".

I have to say, it's not so much the leaving part that makes me mad. I could have gotten over that or even agreed with it after talking to some doctors. It was the making this decision on her own after everything she put me through that makes me mad. She doesn't care what anyone thinks but instead does whatever she wants and whatever gets her the most attention.

I am glad for the winter storm moving in. It gives me a reason to take a break from her to think about things, to calm down and then to jump back in as caregiver. It's just sad because I think she is slowly killing herself and she can't even see it or maybe she does and doesn't care.

Let it snow, let it snow-- so I can get a break.

I hate taxes

This is my least favorite time of the year. It probably is for many people. It's tax time. I think it go through the same emotional roller coaster every year. First, November hits and I get excited for the Holidays. For the next 8 weeks I get to enjoy the cooler weather, lots of food, time with friends and family and the warm feeling you get from all the Holiday cheer. Then we get to kick off the first of the year with a bang also known as our annual New Year’s Eve Party. And then it hit between the massive headache and bubbly tummy from too much food and alcohol- I will have to file taxes soon. I then spend the next four to six weeks worrying about taxes. Did we have enough withdrawn this year? Did we save enough to pay what we owe the government? Why is it that no matter how hard we try we always have to pay the state of Oklahoma?

This isn't a pleasant time of the year. We have to wait weeks to get our W-2's, our interest tax forms, and any other document that we need all to make an appointment to see it an office that always makes me feel uncomfortable. Then we watch them put in all our numbers and hold our breath until we hear the judgment. Will we own this year (most likely)? Will we have enough money to cover what we owe? Will this be the year we get back money (less likely)? Then after it is all done and our accounts have been settled I feel we can breathe again and start all over. It's just frustrating.

This year it was less frustrating in that we got a bit of money back from the Feds which was enough to pay for our state taxes and leave just a bit in our pockets. I love breaking even. That is always my goal not to overpay the government but not to underpay them either. I want as much money in my pocket throughout the year as possible. This year we will get a $200 refund from the Feds after paying our Oklahoma taxes. We are excited for it but at the same time I wonder “what can we really do with $200”. We can't really pay a bill off with it. We could put it in savings but it won't go far. It isn't enough to start the home renovation projects we would like either. So we will probably take it to SAM'S club and buy some bulk items for the house. Aren't we exciting? I mean who doesn't love to have extra paper towels, toilet paper, paper plates, cups, laundry soap and dish soap on hand? (Man, we are so lame...)

I sometimes wish we could be like so many of the people I see when filing taxes--Leaving with a big smile because they are getting quite a bit of money back. When we were getting our taxes done this morning we heard a family say they were getting back $7,000 this year. How does that happen? How do I get that much money back? I think we need to have a billion kids or something?! If we got $7,000 back we would be able to get everything on to do list for the house done this year. We have about 10 things that really need to be completed and that would be just enough to do them all and not have to prioritize. Wouldn't that be great! Or we could put it in savings and enjoy knowing that whatever came our way this year we would be okay. Unfortunately, that isn't us. Instead, we will continue to be frugal with our money and hope that we are able to relish our savings soon (since it took a big hit when T moved in with us).

But for now I will just relish in being relieved that we are done for the year and the damage was not bad.