Hello from the other side

It's been a year since I last posted. This only emphasis how much I couldn't never be a professional blogger as my consistency stinks and I am never even sure what to say. However, while listening to the radio this morning and getting dressed Adele's Hello came on the radio. I've heard it about a million times before but this morning it hit me a bit differently.

Lately, I've been struggling with how much my life has changed in the past year. More specifically how much my relationships have changed. In fact, I have never felt lonely than I do now. Before I elaborate let me clarify that I don't feel lonelier all the time. In fact, my life is quite full. Becoming a mother has changed something in me. I don't need to be as busy and around people as I used to. I am content most days just spending time with my little family. The days are hectic and often times I find that the only thing I really want to do is go home and be with them. I get so little time with O through the week that I desire to spend every chance I have just her, myself and the hubster. It's wonderful but at times I still have that desire to be with people. To have relationships outside of that. It's at that point that I find myself lonely. It's not that I haven't invited people over or made efforts to go out with my friends. I have and those times have been great but as a whole most of my relationships have suffered from me having a baby.

It's really no one's faults. Priorities change and lives get busy but it doesn't make it much easier. The problem is I find myself often struggling to have something to say many of my friends but it's my perception that we don't really have anything in common at this time besides that fact that we are friends. I find myself feeling as if I am not longer on the same page as my friends. Most of that comes from me being in a different place as I am married and have a baby. It's like in my mind I have categorized my friends and can't figure out where I fit into them again. I have my "married friends", my "dating friends" and my "married and have older kids friends". Yet, there is no one in the same stage as me "married with a baby". Then when you bring careers into the picture things seem to get messier.

I know it sounds cliche' but it feels all but real to me. I often don't know how to engage in a conversation about a dating situation and it feels like an eternity ago that I dated. When someone brings up job searching, interviewing or even their deep hatred of their job, I don't know what to say. I know I can just dive in by I honestly don't know what to say. For a while I even blamed myself for "not caring enough about their situation to say anything" but I realized that wasn't true. I do care but I truly don't know what to say. Sometimes it's like my brain is so jammed full of my own stuff (two jobs, constant change, a dramatic family and a new baby) I can't even find room to think of other things because my brain is so full.

All this results in two things, first I wonder how many of my friends thinks I am being a terrible friend over the last year because of my distance? Secondly, I find myself getting irritated with my friends and I am no longer in the "loop" of things. I seem to be the last to find out about my friend's travel plans or family issues or dating issues or medical issue. I often just 'happen' on these things after they have occurred. It makes me feel that much more distant and separated.

I know that most of this is probably in my head and that some of it may be a reality. It's hard to really tell. What I do know if I feel disconnected from my friends. I feel we have nothing to connect over and that I am there as an afterthought. I often find myself thinking "it's doesn't matter as they don't probably really care what's going on in your life as they don't ask". There is probably some truth to that. Unless you are a new parent you probably really don't care about how much your baby slept last night, or what they are now eating, or what they have been up to. Sometimes you can really only find that interesting if you are going through that yourself. It's so easy to have your life consumed by those things but there are other things in life as well. Do they care what's going on with my career? Do they care about what's really going on with my family or are they over my dramatic family situation?

I am sure by now you are shaking your head at me or wanting to yell at me. I know many of these things are in my head. Things maybe I shouldn't say out loud but if I don't how will I work through them? I know realistically by friends care but it's at this time in my life I feel disconnected, whether that is my own doing or not. I know that all relationships go through valleys and that seems to be where I am right now. Yet, through all these thoughts I have come up with some truths though many of which Adele helped me to realize this morning. Check out what ran through my mind this morning...


Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these months you'd like to meet
To go over everything
and see what's going on

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in over my head with laundry,
diaper changes and a million mile
list of things to do

There's such a difference between us
in a million different ways

Hello from the other side of motherhood
I've not really tired to call
as I don't really know what to say
For everything has changed
and I don't really know what to do or
what to say

Hello from the outside
At least I haven't really tried
to tell you what's going on
cause everything has changed so I can't really be mad

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did that things you mentioned work out for you?
As I forgot to ask you...

It's no secret
motherhood changes everything things
from when I sleep to who's my friend

So hello from the other side (of motherhood)
I didn't think it would have made this kind of change
To tell you I'm sorry
For everything that I haven't said
and being a bit lame lately

Hello from the outside (outside)
at least I really want to try
let's be friends again
even if I don't know what to say anymore

Oh, anymore
Oh, anymore
Oh, anymore
Anymore