Tomorrow is April fool’s Day. In the past I haven't really put much thought or stock into April fool’s Day. It has always been innocent and fun but this year it seems different. The more I wade into the waters of infertility, the more I understand the pain of being infertile. I am just on the edge of this. I have only struggled with infertility for about a year. This last year has been hard but there are women who have been struggling with this for several years. There are women that are trying to deal with the pain of not conceiving, women dealing with the pain of a miscarriage or still birth. There are couples out there that are struggling with IVF or adoption and spend each day just getting through but tomorrow will be hard for them.
Tomorrow, someone they know will claim to be pregnant. The announcement will come through a text or email or on a social media site but no matter how it arrives, it will cut. Tomorrow someone unknowingly will cause someone pain because they joke about being pregnant. Some think it is the fake pregnancy that is what cuts the deepest but it's not. I think most infertile women would agree that we deal with news of real pregnancies all the time. Yes, they hurt but it will be the lack of understanding of infertility that will hurt the most. Someone out there is poking fun at how easy it was for them to get pregnant. Someone will not think about those who have lost a child recently and not realize the pain they will drag up or cause. For myself, even though I am disappointed each time someone else gets pregnant I am happy for them deep down. I am glad their struggle to have a baby is over. Maybe it was easy for them, maybe not but now they have the chance to carry life. But when you pretend to be pregnant, it mocks those of us who do struggle and makes it hurt more.
If anyone is actually reading this blog, please remember this tomorrow. When you are trying to find a way to pull an April fool’s joke please remember all those who are struggling and be kind. Find another way to be funny and spare those around you. There may be someone you don't know that is struggling with infertility and you will only add salt to their wound.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Broken
Yesterday AF showed up. She is two days early. At first, I did what most women do--curse the witch because no one really likes having her around. However, at the evening progressed things went downhill. It seems like everything hit me at once. There I was sitting on my bed realizing that this is the 11th month we have tried to have a baby and we didn't succeed and now we are heading for the big 1 year mark. That is 12 months of trying, of scheduling, of hoping and being disappointed every month. It means we are getting closer to "the talk" my OB-GYN will have with me about needing to find a RE and get officially tested. We have been holding off on this because our insurance doesn't cover much of the test so most of it will be out of pocket and if they diagnosed me with anything fertility related my insurance covers nothing. Once we have our label we will have to pay for anything past that date out of pocket. Medicines, screenings, blood work and procedures all cost a fortune. Through the mist of all the thoughts I have had over the past couple month’s new ones appeared that made matters worse.
First, we will not have a child in 2014. We now are looking into 2015. It seems like an eternity, like a distant future that is never coming to pass. Secondly, M's brother and his family will be moving at the first of the year to Florida. Meaning most likely, even if we get pregnant on our next medicated cycle (which is two months away from now) they will not be here to see our child. My child won't have any aunts or uncles close by after the first of the year. I feel like a failure, knowing how much they have wanted us to have children. I feel like I have also failed M for not being able to get pregnant easily and having to put us through months of trying most of which has eventually turned emotionless and now is just something we have to do. I am sad because the realization of how broken I am here. The realization that I may never hold my own child and the small thought that we may never be able to afford to adopt a child so we may be childless.
All these new thoughts raced through my head last night and I had a minor breakdown. I spent at least an hour crying. I didn't want M to see me that way so I pulled myself together before he came home from work. He could tell something was wrong but I didn't want to talk about it. If I did the walls would break and the crazy would come spilling out. He tried to have me talk about it this morning because I am obviously still very sad about it today but I couldn't. I just pulled myself together and headed to work. All I really want to do is go home, curl up and not move. I want to grief for my loss. I think I need time to wrap my head around this and everything else in my life because nothing seems to be going right. Raising a teenager is hard, being a caregiver to my mother is hard, not having enough money and needing to work more is hard and now I can't even get my body to create the one thing it was made to create, a beautiful new life.
Today I am broken. I feel completely and utterly broken. I don't want to move today. I don't want to deal with anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay and cry. I want to grief for the life that I thought I would have but that I am realizing I may never have. Today is a bad day, a dark day and a day I want to end quickly.
First, we will not have a child in 2014. We now are looking into 2015. It seems like an eternity, like a distant future that is never coming to pass. Secondly, M's brother and his family will be moving at the first of the year to Florida. Meaning most likely, even if we get pregnant on our next medicated cycle (which is two months away from now) they will not be here to see our child. My child won't have any aunts or uncles close by after the first of the year. I feel like a failure, knowing how much they have wanted us to have children. I feel like I have also failed M for not being able to get pregnant easily and having to put us through months of trying most of which has eventually turned emotionless and now is just something we have to do. I am sad because the realization of how broken I am here. The realization that I may never hold my own child and the small thought that we may never be able to afford to adopt a child so we may be childless.
All these new thoughts raced through my head last night and I had a minor breakdown. I spent at least an hour crying. I didn't want M to see me that way so I pulled myself together before he came home from work. He could tell something was wrong but I didn't want to talk about it. If I did the walls would break and the crazy would come spilling out. He tried to have me talk about it this morning because I am obviously still very sad about it today but I couldn't. I just pulled myself together and headed to work. All I really want to do is go home, curl up and not move. I want to grief for my loss. I think I need time to wrap my head around this and everything else in my life because nothing seems to be going right. Raising a teenager is hard, being a caregiver to my mother is hard, not having enough money and needing to work more is hard and now I can't even get my body to create the one thing it was made to create, a beautiful new life.
Today I am broken. I feel completely and utterly broken. I don't want to move today. I don't want to deal with anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay and cry. I want to grief for the life that I thought I would have but that I am realizing I may never have. Today is a bad day, a dark day and a day I want to end quickly.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Life is expensive
Now that T has been with us for about 6 months we are realizing just how expensive life is. Cost for just about everything seems to continue to rise but salaries don't. Over the past few months feeding another person, unexpected dental and car repairs and other incidentals have taken their toll on our budget and our savings account. The past two weeks M and I have been having serious discussions on what we can do to cut corners to put money back in savings. We can make it month to month but we need to have money in savings for the unexpected things. After looking at our budget over and over we realized, there are no corners to cut. We have already made a lot of cuts and the few we have left would not really save us much money and we usually cut those on and off through the year as needed. Therefore the only way to be able to start putting money is savings is for one of us to get a part-time job. With that realization, we had to have another awkward conversation- Who would get the part-time job. We are both willing but at the same time neither one of us really want to. We spent this past week thinking of all the factors we had to look at:
Who has the most flexibility in their schedule?
Who has connections to get a job quickly?
What jobs are available part-time?
Which one of wants to take on more at home while the other works?
Who may be able to handle a part-time job better?
In the end, we decided it is better if I get the part-time job. I have more flexibility in my work schedule which is important since M can't leave before 5:30 and some nights 6:00 depending when others come in. He also has to work one night a week and the occasional weekend. However, I can re-arrange my schedule on some days where I can leave at 4:45 if not 4:30 to head to another job. I have worked more than one job in the past before and I don't mind working more if Matt is willing to do more at home. With all this, it made more sense for me to get the job (M said he would get one too if needed) but I had another reason for stepping up. I would never tell M this because he would argue and disagree but I feel I need to make the sacrifice because it's my family that has cause this. It's my mother that drained most of our savings account the first time and we haven't really recovered. It's my brother that we are using all our extra money to support. Therefore, it's my responsibility to take on more. He would never agree to that but he doesn't have to because it's my burden.
I already went in for a job interview at K-Mart. I have a friend that works there part-time and got me the interview (it was fast). I have to admit though, it was a bit embarrassing. Here I am with a college degree working to build my career and profession and now I am working part-time. I understand that it is honorable to work hard to survive but I am a bit embarrassed that I haven't made more of myself yet to be able to make it. I know I will get over it and I know that working part time will only be temporary (we are looking at 8 months because I don't really want to work in retail over the holidays) but it is still embarrassing and a bit overwhelming.
Who has the most flexibility in their schedule?
Who has connections to get a job quickly?
What jobs are available part-time?
Which one of wants to take on more at home while the other works?
Who may be able to handle a part-time job better?
In the end, we decided it is better if I get the part-time job. I have more flexibility in my work schedule which is important since M can't leave before 5:30 and some nights 6:00 depending when others come in. He also has to work one night a week and the occasional weekend. However, I can re-arrange my schedule on some days where I can leave at 4:45 if not 4:30 to head to another job. I have worked more than one job in the past before and I don't mind working more if Matt is willing to do more at home. With all this, it made more sense for me to get the job (M said he would get one too if needed) but I had another reason for stepping up. I would never tell M this because he would argue and disagree but I feel I need to make the sacrifice because it's my family that has cause this. It's my mother that drained most of our savings account the first time and we haven't really recovered. It's my brother that we are using all our extra money to support. Therefore, it's my responsibility to take on more. He would never agree to that but he doesn't have to because it's my burden.
I already went in for a job interview at K-Mart. I have a friend that works there part-time and got me the interview (it was fast). I have to admit though, it was a bit embarrassing. Here I am with a college degree working to build my career and profession and now I am working part-time. I understand that it is honorable to work hard to survive but I am a bit embarrassed that I haven't made more of myself yet to be able to make it. I know I will get over it and I know that working part time will only be temporary (we are looking at 8 months because I don't really want to work in retail over the holidays) but it is still embarrassing and a bit overwhelming.
Friday, March 21, 2014
I think I'm Out, again
Well I think my TWW is coming to an end. I am 5 days away from aunt flow (AF) and I think the pre-symptoms are coming. At first, I thought I was in the game because of my seemly larger and firmer breast but those have seemed to subside. Today is 10 DPO and I had a temp drop. Some say it could be from implantation but I think that I am really 12 DPO and that it's a sign of AF. I haven't had too many other signs lately and most of them can be pre-AF. I have been getting cramps, light back ache and dizzy. These are all things that tend to happen to me right before she shows. It's always a bittersweet moment for me. I am sad because we are probably not pregnant and next month will start our 12th month of trying. I also build things up in my head. Here are some of the things I have come up with during my TWW which always makes things worse.
- A November baby would be great because I would be my heaviest during the winter.
- All my vacation time starts over January 16 which means if I did have a baby at the end of November I could either take a longer maternity leave or use all my time for the 6 weeks and have my time start over just in case I need it.
- November is a perfect time to have a baby with my job due to December and January being so slow for me with little travel.
- We could tell our family around Father's Day.
However, I don't think any of these things will be happing for us. It's also a sweet moment for us because we are on the fence about whether it’s a good time to have a baby and a teenager at home. We are already much tighter as is and am not sure how we would afford a baby but we want one. I am already looking at getting a part-time job to allow us to put money in savings. Maybe it's better if we don't have one yet and wait until T is closer to graduation and being out of the house?
Anyways, the whole point of writing this is to say I think I am out; to say that I am disappoint and relieved again. Things are easy right now because none of our friends have kids but when they start getting pregnant (which I think will happen this year) it will get much hard. Having a baby at my age should be easier, but it's not. It's hard work and takes a large toll emotionally every month.
- A November baby would be great because I would be my heaviest during the winter.
- All my vacation time starts over January 16 which means if I did have a baby at the end of November I could either take a longer maternity leave or use all my time for the 6 weeks and have my time start over just in case I need it.
- November is a perfect time to have a baby with my job due to December and January being so slow for me with little travel.
- We could tell our family around Father's Day.
However, I don't think any of these things will be happing for us. It's also a sweet moment for us because we are on the fence about whether it’s a good time to have a baby and a teenager at home. We are already much tighter as is and am not sure how we would afford a baby but we want one. I am already looking at getting a part-time job to allow us to put money in savings. Maybe it's better if we don't have one yet and wait until T is closer to graduation and being out of the house?
Anyways, the whole point of writing this is to say I think I am out; to say that I am disappoint and relieved again. Things are easy right now because none of our friends have kids but when they start getting pregnant (which I think will happen this year) it will get much hard. Having a baby at my age should be easier, but it's not. It's hard work and takes a large toll emotionally every month.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Holy Boobs, Batman!
We are in the TWW (two week wait). This is the worst part about trying to conceive. We are waiting for two weeks to find out if all the charting and temping really helped. As of today I am currently 7 DPO (days past ovulation), which means it is too soon for anything to register on a pregnancy test. There is a small chance that I am plus or minus two days for my DPO count but it's hard to tell because my body is so weird. What does this all mean? I am patiently waiting (okay, not really) to be able to test. The earliest they recommend is at 12 DPO. Some people will get an early result but most people will not until at least 14 DPO or a few days after a missed period. This is event harder for someone with a stupid body that doesn't act like it should because the absence of a period could just mean that the pills didn't work again this month.
It also means that I am symptom spotting; something that is not advised but seems impossible not to do. Seriously, when you have to temp and chart things it really takes out the excitement of seeing if it just happens and turns it everything in to obsessive counting and symptom spotting. As I have mention before the problem with symptom spotting is that many early pregnancy symptoms are the same as after ovulation symptoms and menstruation symptoms. It's all confusing and irritating. Therefore, to make add to the craziness I will tell you what I have noticed over the past week:
- cramps
- tired
- gassy
- sore back and neck
- sore breast
- firmer and bigger breast. I am not sure that this is true or just a figure of my imagination but I swear they are bigger and heavier. Even my husband told me this morning that my breast looked a bit bigger. I had to have him tighten my bra this morning ot make sure they don't sag and yesterday my bottom up shirt was gapping more than it has in the past.
That's it. All of these things can be explained as things that happen after ovulation and before your period comes (expect the bigger breast, but as I said it could just be my imagination). I guess we will have to wait another week or week and a half to see if I am just being paranoid again or if we are really pregnant; which would be awesome since we are on the verge of hitting the year mark of trying and I really don't want to go over that.
It also means that I am symptom spotting; something that is not advised but seems impossible not to do. Seriously, when you have to temp and chart things it really takes out the excitement of seeing if it just happens and turns it everything in to obsessive counting and symptom spotting. As I have mention before the problem with symptom spotting is that many early pregnancy symptoms are the same as after ovulation symptoms and menstruation symptoms. It's all confusing and irritating. Therefore, to make add to the craziness I will tell you what I have noticed over the past week:
- cramps
- tired
- gassy
- sore back and neck
- sore breast
- firmer and bigger breast. I am not sure that this is true or just a figure of my imagination but I swear they are bigger and heavier. Even my husband told me this morning that my breast looked a bit bigger. I had to have him tighten my bra this morning ot make sure they don't sag and yesterday my bottom up shirt was gapping more than it has in the past.
That's it. All of these things can be explained as things that happen after ovulation and before your period comes (expect the bigger breast, but as I said it could just be my imagination). I guess we will have to wait another week or week and a half to see if I am just being paranoid again or if we are really pregnant; which would be awesome since we are on the verge of hitting the year mark of trying and I really don't want to go over that.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Disgruntled Teen and Dismounted Motor Mounts
This weekend I was reminded [again] that life doesn't seem to go the way you plan. As someone that loves order and plans, it really throws me off balance when things don't go according to plan. My husband and I took off this past Friday. At first, we were supposed to be traveling to see some friend but after having some dental work and unexpected car trouble we found our bank account a little empty. Instead of going out of town we decided to stay here and work on some project around the house (we have had money in savings for some house repairs and we needed to finally get started). So after sending T off to school Friday morning we got started. Here is the list we put together to accomplish this weekend
-Get one of the cars looked out because it had an oil leak
-Put in two post and repair two sections of our fences that had been damaged after one of our winter storms
-Replace all of our gutters
-Being to layout our landscaping plan for the front yard
-Get our fireplace up and working
-Get estimates on fixing the shower tiles that are broken (I accidently broken them when scrubbing our grout too hard)
-Take T out to kick off his spring break
-Compile a list of things that T could do around the house to make money over spring break
-Complete our grocery shopping and prep meals for the next week
Now here is what we ended up completing this weekend:
-One post and one section of fence is repaired
-3/4 of our fireplace is fixed
-Oil leak is fixed
-Second car has major repairs completed
-Ground T for the weekend for being disrespectful
As you can see, things didn't go as plan. First of all, our soil is littered with rock so digging out the cement for our new post took twice as long as we anticipated. Also, we were unable to borrow my brother-in-laws truck this weekend so we were limited on what we could buy, which is why no landscaping or gutters got done. Secondly, the fireplace company was two hours late for our appointment and didn't have all the parts. They said they would come back this weekend to finish but we never heard from them. I am now waiting on a phone call back. Thirdly, while sitting in the Starbuck drive through on Saturday morning I heard a large crack followed by my car shuddering, reviving up and down and trying to day. By the end of the day we had to get a new engine coil, new spark plugs, new battery cables and our motor mount replaced. Lastly, T was very disrespectful while trying to have a conversation about some comments his teacher made about him being lazy in school and not paying attention. This earned him a two day grounding with no phone and no computer.
To say the least it has been a very weird and exhausting weekend. I think this week may call for extra coffee. Also, with all the unexpected expenses it seems that the time has come for either me or my husband to find some part time work to replenish our savings account. That is something I really am not looking forward too.
I will say this to end. I did get to spend lots of time with the hubster this weekend. It’s always nice to get some quality time in even if it means you are working on a project or solving a problem.
-Get one of the cars looked out because it had an oil leak
-Put in two post and repair two sections of our fences that had been damaged after one of our winter storms
-Replace all of our gutters
-Being to layout our landscaping plan for the front yard
-Get our fireplace up and working
-Get estimates on fixing the shower tiles that are broken (I accidently broken them when scrubbing our grout too hard)
-Take T out to kick off his spring break
-Compile a list of things that T could do around the house to make money over spring break
-Complete our grocery shopping and prep meals for the next week
Now here is what we ended up completing this weekend:
-One post and one section of fence is repaired
-3/4 of our fireplace is fixed
-Oil leak is fixed
-Second car has major repairs completed
-Ground T for the weekend for being disrespectful
As you can see, things didn't go as plan. First of all, our soil is littered with rock so digging out the cement for our new post took twice as long as we anticipated. Also, we were unable to borrow my brother-in-laws truck this weekend so we were limited on what we could buy, which is why no landscaping or gutters got done. Secondly, the fireplace company was two hours late for our appointment and didn't have all the parts. They said they would come back this weekend to finish but we never heard from them. I am now waiting on a phone call back. Thirdly, while sitting in the Starbuck drive through on Saturday morning I heard a large crack followed by my car shuddering, reviving up and down and trying to day. By the end of the day we had to get a new engine coil, new spark plugs, new battery cables and our motor mount replaced. Lastly, T was very disrespectful while trying to have a conversation about some comments his teacher made about him being lazy in school and not paying attention. This earned him a two day grounding with no phone and no computer.
To say the least it has been a very weird and exhausting weekend. I think this week may call for extra coffee. Also, with all the unexpected expenses it seems that the time has come for either me or my husband to find some part time work to replenish our savings account. That is something I really am not looking forward too.
I will say this to end. I did get to spend lots of time with the hubster this weekend. It’s always nice to get some quality time in even if it means you are working on a project or solving a problem.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Feeling More Maternal
This week has made me feel more like a parent. First, T had a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday. At first it was weird to be taking him to the doctor for a checkup and to have his back looked at (he has been having some pain for quite some time). Then it became extremely irritating because our appointment was at 2:40pm and we were still in the waiting room at 4:00pm. It really irked me because T missed his night school class (he has to be there by 4:10pm or he is marked absent) and because I didn't plan to take that much time off of work to take him. After waiting for almost two hours, then seeing the doctor, getting blood work and a X-ray we finally left at about 4:50pm. I ended up having just enough time to get back to work to close up and turn my computer off. Now, I have to find time to take him to physical therapy for a few weeks.
Then today I had a meeting with T and his counselor to enroll him in his senior year classes and talk about college. The meeting went well and we are hoping that he is chosen for a hands-on welding class and the technical school in town for both college and high school credit. It has truly made me realize how much he is reliant on us and how much we need to guide him because even though he is now 18 and looks like a grownup he really isn't and still needs lots of nurturing and guidance. I just hope we can provide him with those things and set him up for a successful life.
We are also in the two week wait (TWW). Let me rephrase, I think we are in the TWW. This week I thought we tested positive on our ovulation test but I am not sure. My temperature (which I have been trying to do all month but not doing well) seems to have risen now which typically indicates ovulation. I have also had a few other symptoms that would indicate ovulation but I never truly trust my body. Now I have my fingers crossed that maybe with fertility medicine, the new tea I am drinking every day and the other herbals I have been taking that we will get pregnant. This is our last medicated cycle before we have to take a 1-2 month break from the medication. This could be our last chance to have a baby in 2014 because we have very low chances of ovulation next month without the help of the medication. If it isn't this month, it will most likely mean we won't have a baby till 2015. That's a bittersweet thought. We are really to have a baby. We have been trying for almost a year now but we know that the longer it takes the better it will be because that means T will be closer to graduating high school and on to his new life; freeing up space in our house and finances. I guess we will just see where the Lord takes us this month.
Keep me in your thoughts at the TWW has awful because all you do is symptom check and wonder if you finally did it or not.
Then today I had a meeting with T and his counselor to enroll him in his senior year classes and talk about college. The meeting went well and we are hoping that he is chosen for a hands-on welding class and the technical school in town for both college and high school credit. It has truly made me realize how much he is reliant on us and how much we need to guide him because even though he is now 18 and looks like a grownup he really isn't and still needs lots of nurturing and guidance. I just hope we can provide him with those things and set him up for a successful life.
We are also in the two week wait (TWW). Let me rephrase, I think we are in the TWW. This week I thought we tested positive on our ovulation test but I am not sure. My temperature (which I have been trying to do all month but not doing well) seems to have risen now which typically indicates ovulation. I have also had a few other symptoms that would indicate ovulation but I never truly trust my body. Now I have my fingers crossed that maybe with fertility medicine, the new tea I am drinking every day and the other herbals I have been taking that we will get pregnant. This is our last medicated cycle before we have to take a 1-2 month break from the medication. This could be our last chance to have a baby in 2014 because we have very low chances of ovulation next month without the help of the medication. If it isn't this month, it will most likely mean we won't have a baby till 2015. That's a bittersweet thought. We are really to have a baby. We have been trying for almost a year now but we know that the longer it takes the better it will be because that means T will be closer to graduating high school and on to his new life; freeing up space in our house and finances. I guess we will just see where the Lord takes us this month.
Keep me in your thoughts at the TWW has awful because all you do is symptom check and wonder if you finally did it or not.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Mountains out of Molehills
Why do people feel the need to look at the future and worry about something that hasn't even come to pass? My mother does that all the time. It seems to be getting worse each day. I understand the need to look into the future. I am a big advocate of making sure you are forward thinking and forward planning but within reason. If you don't have a plan for the future then your life may turn to chaos. If you don't have a plan then how do you expect to fulfill your dreams? However, my mother doesn't think about the future like that. Instead, she looks at large problems that don't really need to be address until they actually happen. She is doing this now and it is making my life very difficult.
My stepfather, who has been in prison for most of my life, is up for parole this summer and she is already worried about it. Here is a little background on the situation:
* My stepfather has been in prison for 16 years for abusing my older sister
* My mother’s decided to stick by him and they are still married
* Most of my family is indifferent about the situation now that it has been so long
* My mother has always chosen what is best for her and my stepfather over her children
* My mother plans to stay with him after his release
I think that about covers it and explains how much of a screwed up family we come from. Anyways, she is already worried about how "the holidays will work when he gets out because they kids don't want anything to do with him" and about "how she is going to be able to see her grandkids when he is out". I understand that these are valid concerns but it's nothing we need to worry about now for two reasons. First, he may not get paroled and will have 6 more years in prison. Secondly, if he is paroled it will be in Texas and won't be able to leave the state for 6 years so visiting Kansas for holidays will be difficult. However, at this point she is beside herself with anxiety because she feels she is going to soon choose between her kids and her husband.
This makes me laugh because no matter what she says she has always chosen him over us and because we are not making her choose. We are all grown adults with families. Not all of us will be able to make it home for holidays every year and we don't want to have to worry about it until it actually could be a problem. I understand this could become very real soon but it's not real now and even if he gets paroled it's not like he is in our lives the next day.
I sure hope she can calm down and take it slow for the next couple of months because her worrying and constant discussing of it is wearing on my nerves. The fastest way for me to want nothing to do with this situation is to continue to talk about it every day. Please pray for my sanity.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Small
Many times in life you may be asked what your greatest fear is. I used to always answer that failure was my greatest fear but last night while at a business after hours event I realized that my biggest fear may not be failure, well not exactly. I fear being small. I fear not being known and being forgotten when my life is over. I know that my family and friends will remember me but will the world or at least a small part of it?
I always thought I was made to do great things. I have overcome so much in life already and I always assumed because of that strength that I would amount to something. That I would be known and important but how wrong have I been. I know I am young but so far I am unknown. I am just another face in the world that as a whole can be overlooked or fade into the background with no consequence or despair for my absence. This realization hit me last night. I am afraid of being small, especially living in a small town. It could be different living in a city full of millions of people or event hundreds of thousand but to be in a city of less than 50,000 people and not be known by a large part of them terrifies me.
I understand that this fear seems ludicrous to many or even selfish. I understand I probably come off as a power hungry, attention seeking person. Maybe I am, I don't really know but I do know that this idea of being left behind and forgotten has been something I have struggled with for months now. I think it has finally made its impact over the past few weeks when I had to turn down the job I wanted and when I ran into many acquaintances from college that have done incredible things since leaving college. One owns his own company, one just took over a company in town, one has written a book, one has completed his graduate program and half through his doctorate, one is a now doing residency in a hospital and countless have successful careers in large companies or are completing their graduate programs. But not me; I have done none of that. I am unknown in this town and have no idea how my life will go now that I have a teenager at home and am a caregiver to my mother (more on that frustrating story in the next post.
So here I am today, having a pity party realizing I have amounted to nothing as of now and feel that my life is so of course of what I wanted it to be. Will I actually be known one day? Will I be successful? Who knows?
I always thought I was made to do great things. I have overcome so much in life already and I always assumed because of that strength that I would amount to something. That I would be known and important but how wrong have I been. I know I am young but so far I am unknown. I am just another face in the world that as a whole can be overlooked or fade into the background with no consequence or despair for my absence. This realization hit me last night. I am afraid of being small, especially living in a small town. It could be different living in a city full of millions of people or event hundreds of thousand but to be in a city of less than 50,000 people and not be known by a large part of them terrifies me.
I understand that this fear seems ludicrous to many or even selfish. I understand I probably come off as a power hungry, attention seeking person. Maybe I am, I don't really know but I do know that this idea of being left behind and forgotten has been something I have struggled with for months now. I think it has finally made its impact over the past few weeks when I had to turn down the job I wanted and when I ran into many acquaintances from college that have done incredible things since leaving college. One owns his own company, one just took over a company in town, one has written a book, one has completed his graduate program and half through his doctorate, one is a now doing residency in a hospital and countless have successful careers in large companies or are completing their graduate programs. But not me; I have done none of that. I am unknown in this town and have no idea how my life will go now that I have a teenager at home and am a caregiver to my mother (more on that frustrating story in the next post.
So here I am today, having a pity party realizing I have amounted to nothing as of now and feel that my life is so of course of what I wanted it to be. Will I actually be known one day? Will I be successful? Who knows?
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Snow Day
After you leave college and start your career snow days seem like a thing of the past. I have been out of college for about five years now and since graduating I have never once had a snow day until this week. I worked in Tulsa for three years. This means making the hour long commute every morning and every evening. It was brutal and made staying at the company difficult. Many people used to think that when there was bad weather either in Bartlesville or Tulsa that I would obviously get a snow day because of my commute. Wrong. I was usually expected to work from home. The only way of getting out of that was to lose electricity or internet, which never happened.
I remember one year we had a terrible storm. We had all know it was coming so I made sure to bring home my laptop and all other things I knew I would need to work at home. Now typically I would only be home for one or two days but this time the storm caused everyone to be home about one week. Finding work to complete at home so that I could still get paid wasn't a problem. The problem was that my husband was granted almost a week long paid vacation because of the weather. Do you know how hard it is to stay motivated to work when you husband is laying around the house watching TV or playing video games?! Needless to say that is when I realized I would probably never get a real snow day again until this week.
On Sunday we had about an inch of ice and 5 inches of snow fall. We have had similar weather all year and still remained open, so I assumed that I would be heading to work on Monday. Then Sunday night I got a text from my boss saying that they decided to close on Monday to allow our facilities team time to clear the parking lot. Since we work with seniors I understand wanting to make sure that the parking lot was in as good of condition as possible because if we are open then people will come. It was glorious for two reasons. First, I had been battling a migraine all day Sunday which didn't seem to dull even after spending all day in bed. I had already played with the idea that I may have to call in on Monday if it wasn't better. Therefore, our snow day saved me a sick day. Secondly, my husband had to work (he didn't go in late and come home early) and T was at a friend’s house. This means for a short period of time on Monday I would be ALONE.
I miss being alone. I used to have Monday evenings when Matt was working late to be by myself but not anymore. Let me guess what you're saying: "You are trying to have a baby; once you do you will never be alone again". I know that but it seems different to give away your alone time when you decide to have a baby than when it is trust upon you. I wouldn't change the life we have now. I love having my brother with us. It is just hard sometimes.
So on Monday for my snow day I enjoyed the silence. I read for a while. I had lots of coffee and tea. I watched whatever I wanted on TV and I took a nap. It was glorious and much needed. I feel rejuvenated now that I have had just a few hours. I love snow days.
I remember one year we had a terrible storm. We had all know it was coming so I made sure to bring home my laptop and all other things I knew I would need to work at home. Now typically I would only be home for one or two days but this time the storm caused everyone to be home about one week. Finding work to complete at home so that I could still get paid wasn't a problem. The problem was that my husband was granted almost a week long paid vacation because of the weather. Do you know how hard it is to stay motivated to work when you husband is laying around the house watching TV or playing video games?! Needless to say that is when I realized I would probably never get a real snow day again until this week.
On Sunday we had about an inch of ice and 5 inches of snow fall. We have had similar weather all year and still remained open, so I assumed that I would be heading to work on Monday. Then Sunday night I got a text from my boss saying that they decided to close on Monday to allow our facilities team time to clear the parking lot. Since we work with seniors I understand wanting to make sure that the parking lot was in as good of condition as possible because if we are open then people will come. It was glorious for two reasons. First, I had been battling a migraine all day Sunday which didn't seem to dull even after spending all day in bed. I had already played with the idea that I may have to call in on Monday if it wasn't better. Therefore, our snow day saved me a sick day. Secondly, my husband had to work (he didn't go in late and come home early) and T was at a friend’s house. This means for a short period of time on Monday I would be ALONE.
I miss being alone. I used to have Monday evenings when Matt was working late to be by myself but not anymore. Let me guess what you're saying: "You are trying to have a baby; once you do you will never be alone again". I know that but it seems different to give away your alone time when you decide to have a baby than when it is trust upon you. I wouldn't change the life we have now. I love having my brother with us. It is just hard sometimes.
So on Monday for my snow day I enjoyed the silence. I read for a while. I had lots of coffee and tea. I watched whatever I wanted on TV and I took a nap. It was glorious and much needed. I feel rejuvenated now that I have had just a few hours. I love snow days.
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