Power in a name

I believe that there can be power in a name. What your parents name you can make a difference. At some point in everyone's like I feel like they have found someone with their same name that inspires them. That encourages them to be better. That is why we have chosen to name our daughter after one of the most intelligent, caring, outgoing, funny and successful women I know. We have chosen to have her middle name be Margaret after my lifelong mentor. I strive to this day to become a better person and a better women like Margaret and I hope that one day when my daughter is struggling with the temptations of this world that she can reflect on her namesake and see that there is a better path. I hope that just by having her name somehow it will encourage her to be strong and caring. It will encourage her to see the world as it is and reach out to make it a better place. I hope it will encourage her to work hard and understand there are no bounds because she is a women. I hope her reminds her that love can run deep and change so many lives if you chose to put yourself out there and love those around you.

Ultimately, I hope that by this small chose, I will be reminded to raise her as a strong, independent women. That I will remember all the times that Margaret taught me about compassion and hard work. All the times she would go out of her way to make me feel loved and needed. That I remember that time is a precious gift that when given can nourish a soul to blossom into something beautiful. I hope it reminds me that of who my daughter can be and that she can only become that if she has a strong women (or a few strong women) to help her grow and catch her when she fall. To help her dust off and move forward in a world that tries to keep her down.

This is why I chose Margaret. To remind me that there is good in everyone and that I must foster that in my daughter. That I must teach her to love deeply, to care, to work hard and to reach for the stars.

A Little Bump

Today I have noticed that I am slowly starting to show. I really think it is still mainly bloating and other things of that sort but then I have to remember that I am also about 4 1/2 months pregnant. It's kind of nice to be showing but I have to tell you. With every pound I gain my anxiety kicks in. I worked so hard before to lose weight and keep it off. Now, I see the scale climbing despite watching what I eat, exercising and such. I know I have to gain weight and I an okay with that but the scale is going up more than it should each week. I am fearful to go to the doctor for he may say something. I am fearful of gaining too much because it is bad for me and baby. It's a struggle that only get worse each week. I am not sure what to do about it. I remind myself I have to eat and exercise still and try not to worry about the scale but it's constantly in my head. Every bite worries me, every time I weight I panic. I am starting to think something is wrong with me. Is it possible to have temporary eating disorder? I used to never worry about it until I was pregnant. Any advice from those who have been through this before?

Hulk in the morning

This morning I wish my coffee was real coffee or maybe even whiskey.... It's been a rough day and it's only 8:40am. Before 8:00am this morning I managed to yell at ever person in my household. It started with my dog. First, he keep me up all night with his continuous whining to go outside. It continued for three hours before he stopped and finally went to sleep. However, after getting up to start getting ready he was in my way. Every time I would turn there he was and I would trip over him. If I wasn't tripping over him then all I could hear is his whining. What was his deal this morning? He was my first victim.


Next was my brother. I realized that he wasn't out of bed at 6:50 this morning even though he has to be out the door at 7:05 to catch the bus. Normally, I wouldn't have cared since this is the first time this entire semester I have had to go wake him up. However, we have been struggling for over a week over his senior English paper. He hasn't started it and it's due on Monday. Wait, What?! I bought him the book for it over 2 months ago. I have been talking with him about it every week but yesterday I found out he hadn't finished reading the book and that he can't find the appropriate research needed for his paper so his teacher told him he needed to switch books (over a week a go). Frustrated, I picked a book for him to do off of the list. I made sure it would be interesting and that it was a shorter one so he could read it in about two days and then spend the rest of his break working on the paper. This morning I found out he read a total of 2 pages of it yesterday and then fell asleep. I lost it. Does he plan to graduate? I had some choice words for him this morning but I know the battle is far from over.

Lastly, my dear husband got on to me for "being too harsh" on my brother this early in the morning. I lost it. I told him I was tired of always being the bad guy when it comes to my brother. I know he's not our "kid" but I needed some support if we were going to get him to graduation. I was so frustrated I ate my bowl of cereal in silence then left to do some last minute grocery shopping before the craziness of the week begins (of course we have to run out of bread, milk and need tomato sauce right before the holidays).


Needless to say, I am having a rough morning and I don't foresee it getting any better this week. I will have to continue to fight with my brother has he works a lot over break but needs to do his project. I have to do all this while working 6 hours on Thanksgiving and 6 hours on Black Friday at Kmart and some how fit in some family time, some relaxing time and maybe time for me to scream from everything going on.

I'll keep you apprise if I can manage to keep my head or if I become the hulk this week. Oh, did I mention I am tired today.

At the end of my rope

Things lately have not be the best at our household. It's been a tough month. It started out with my grandfather passing. It wasn't unexpected but it did happen much quicker than we anticipated. We were out of town for almost a week to attend the services, help my grandmother out and figure out what my grandmother will do know. It was such a stressful time.

Then we returned to work which is always stressful after being gone but add on all the extra things we do for the community during the Holidays and you can see why my stress level is up. Then add in the fact that our garage door and dishwasher broke (so added expenses) and you can see why I feel at whits end this month. I am tired. The stress has made my morning sickness worse but I am also a stress eater.

The good news is that we did have another doctors appointment this week. The baby is doing well and they even scheduled our gender scan. Can you believe that in less than a month we will know if we are having a daughter or son? It seems crazy how fast it is already going. I was over the moon until the doctor told me I have gained 18 pounds since becoming pregnant. Wait, what?! That isn't right, my scale at home say 8. Most of my clothes still fit. How can I have gained almost 20 pounds and not notice. I tried to tell him it didn't seem right but all he said was I needed to "stop eating sweets, stop having seconds and try not to gain anymore between now and my appointment in 6 weeks". That's crazy. I still think he is wrong but I am back to watching what I am eating and exercising more. I still eat when I am hungry because I don't want the baby to lack but I try to make better choices no matter what I crave.

Overall, I'm stressed, I'm tried and I am sad. All these things I feel will only get worse as the holidays approach. At least I can look forward to finding out the gender of the baby.


Till next time.

Roller Coaster Weekend

This weekend has been a roller coaster for M and I. It started out marvelous. We finally decided to announce to our friends and the world that we are expecting a baby. We are so nervous because it is now out there. If something goes wrong everyone will know. Everyone will need to be told. It's terrifying but it's also exciting to see all the love and encouragement that flooded our way. After announcing Saturday morning we spent the early afternoon shopping for maternity clothes, Christmas gifts and other misc things. It was fun to relax with M. To get some time together just thinking about the future. Then Sunday came and our excitement was exchanged with heartbreak. We found out on Sunday that my grandfather was being put on hospice. It happened so quick. Two weeks ago he had a heart attack and they said that he would have 6 months to a year left. Then this weekend the pain became to much and he decided he would no longer do dialysis (he has been in kidney failure for several years now). The doctor said if he stopped dialysis he would have 7-10 days but then later that evening he had another attack. This mean he may not make it more than 3-5 days depending on his heart.

I haven't cried yet. Instead, I have focused my attention on figuring out how to get my sisters and brother home to see him. It's like moving an army. I have spent my time figuring out when I should leave to see him and what I need to do in order to leave. I have spent my time being strong and passing information around the family. I haven't cried yet but I know it's coming. I can feel my heart breaking a little more each minute. My grandfather has always been there for me. He has made sacrifices for me and my siblings that I couldn't imagine but he will not be there for us. He will never meet my child and my child will never meet their amazing grandfather. I am still holding it together but I don't know how long the dam will hold. Until it breaks I will push forward. I will continue to work. I will continue to make plans and get the family home. I will continue until I can't.

We have a heartbeat!

Today I had my second appointment with my OB-GYN. It was quite routine. Pee in a cup, weight yourself, ask lots of questions but at least today we got to do something different, listen to my baby's heartbeat. I have been nervous because I have had few symptoms and then the nurse said "your only 10 weeks so we may have trouble finding it". Probably something you should say to a nervous pregnant women. She was wrong. She put the wand on my uterus and BAM- heartbeat right away. It was neat to hear but I have to admit I didn't get as excited as I thought. Maybe it was because M wasn't there but I suspect it might me more. I really haven't been excited so far. All I can think about is all the weight I will gain (I know shallow) and all the money we need that we don't have. I just kept thinking about how tired I am because I am working two jobs and now M is too. It's been exhausting and stressful not at all exciting.

My hope is that when we tell people I will get more exciting. In fact, we plan on telling my family this weekend and M's next weekend. Then two or three weeks later we will tell the world (if our families can keep it a secret). I hope I soon find that excitement but until then I know that we have a healthy baby.

The joys of pregnancy so far...

Besides being excited to be growing a human being inside me and the excitement of being a parent there have been very few joys so far in pregnancy. Now, I would like to say that up to this week everything has been pretty easy for me. I have had very few symptoms and most of the time feel normal. However, that started to change this week. Now I am really tired and the morning sickness has started to become a bit more frequent. This has left me in quite a funk this week, therefore I have decided to share with you a few things that has happened over the past two weeks that I like to call the "joys of pregnancy"

1. I became very nauseous after eating lunch one day. It didn't really hit until I was in the Atwood parking lot so I took off running towards the bathroom. People looked at me like a mad women but I made it...barely. That is when I managed to throw up in my hair.

2. I now do a little dance every time I poop. Which is rare nowadays.

3. I got a migraine yesterday but being unable to take good medications for it I instead had to stay home and try and nurse it in bed. This consisted of a lot of tossing, turning and grunting as I couldn't get comfortable.

4. I was so nauseous this morning but hadn't thrown up yet. Until I sneezed which caused me to throw up...at my desk. Thankfully no one saw me because we haven't told anyone at work yet.

5. Some nights I sleep like the dead other nights I have so much energy I could run a marathon. It terrible because anytime I am tired you can read it on my face. The other day I had many people ask "what's wrong with you, you look terrible". My response was that I was tired but I really just wanted to rip their heads off for pointing out the fact I looked like the a zombie from the Walking Dead.

6. My boobs are huge and any real sudden movements makes them hurt or causes me to panic because they may suffocate me if I move wrong.


I guess this is all to be expected in pregnancy but it still sucks. On an even worst note, M will start a part-time job next week. He will only be able to work Tuesday and Thursday evenings. Which happens to be the opposite days I work so we won't see each other before 9:00pm Monday-Thursday and will both work on Sundays. I am sure that will do wonders for our marriage as we manage a teenager, my mother and this pregnancy. I have a feeling these next 8 months will not be pleasant, relaxing ones.

Sorry for all the gloom today, it's been a rough week.

Disbelief

I think I am still in the disbelieve mode of pregnancy. I can't fathom that I am going to have a baby, let alone that I am pregnant. Besides a few things, nothing seems to have changed for me. I don't really have very many symptoms and they come and go frequently. I think every day I still check to make sure I am not bleeding. Each days seems to get a bit better but the fear of a miscarriage is strong and can sometime be consuming. I never thought that the first part of pregnancy would be so confusing and stressful. My entire life I thought I would feel joy and excitement but I can't seem to manage those feelings often. Instead I am left feelings of fear, disbelief and confusion.

I think these feeling have also lead me to know really tell many people. I get excited sometime and want to blurt it out but then I don't. I fear if I say it out loud it will end. That as soon as the world knows it will decided to play a cosmic joke and I will lose the baby. So I don't say anything. So far the only person in either of our families that know is one of my sisters. Besides that I have two friends, a co-worker and M's boss that know. Everyone else is in the dark. I hope that after my next appointment in October I will feel more comfortable sharing our news.

So my questions is: Is this normal? If so, I was not prepared. I hope that as the weeks continue I begin to feel more joy and stability.

Our little nugget!

So here it is, our little nugget! We had our first ultrasound on Friday. I was so nervous the day before and the morning of. I was so thankful that our appointment was at 9:00am otherwise I would have been a wreck. I feared that the baby wouldn't be there or that there was something wrong but everything was fine. As soon as he started the ultrasound I could see the baby. It was so small but I knew it was there. Then he showed us the heartbeat, it was strong. We didn't get to hear it but I assumed we wouldn't, maybe next time.

The baby is measuring a bit behind but we aren't surprised given I ovulated later. My estimated due date is May 12th but that could always change in the future so right now we are saying mid-may. We are so excited now but terrified. We are really going to be parents and that really freaks us out. We wish we were more financially prepared but I think everyone does so we will move forward. We have told a few people but very few. We are waiting to tell most people after the first trimester which would be first part of November but we have thought about making the announcement on Halloween. For now, we need to figure out when to tell our families and when to tell my boss.

So far I have had no real symptoms. I have been a bit tired and hungry but there has been no morning sickness or food aversions. I am thankful for that but sometimes I think they would help reassure me. My other fear (which I know many people will think is irrational) is that I will gain too much weight. I have seen so many women do that and have trouble getting it off. I have never been a small girl but worked hard the last few years to get weight off and keep it off, so I hope I can do well with the baby.

Until next time, here's a picture of our little nugget.

24 hours

I have 24 hours left until my first doctors appointment. This is where we should confirm our pregnancy. I have taken countless test all being positive since my first one on September 1 but it's still hard to wrap my head around. However, since Tuesday I have been nothing but concerned. I took my last digital weeks estimator test but I didn't get the results I was hoping for. If you know anything about these test they are suppose to read HCG levels and estimate how far along you are since conception. When I took the first one it said 1-2 weeks. Then one week later I took a second one and it read 2-3 week. Therefore, on Tuesday I took my third and final one. I expected that it would say 3+ weeks because I was over 6 weeks along. However, it still ready 2-3 weeks. This is when the dread set it. Now, I know those test are not always accurate. Many things can change the results from if you have diluted urine, or not being exactly 6 weeks along. However, all I can think is that there is something wrong with the baby. That my levels aren't rising enough. Of course, it would be more logical to think that I ovulated a bit late and have my dates off but what rational person would really think that?

Therefore, all day Tuesday I just kept checking to make sure I wasn't bleeding or my symptoms didn't change. Everything seemed fine. Yesterday, I was too busy to really think about it. However, today I feel like I am in an downward spiral of anxiety and dread. I didn't have very many symptoms yesterday, my boobs seems smaller today, I am not as tired as I have been... All these questions keep filling my mind. It's only 9:00am and I can't concentrate as I am consumed with fear. Maybe this is how many women feel before their appointments. Logically, you could argue that a women can start preparing herself for bad news at her first appointment as a defense mechanism. I have already not allowed myself to get too excited about being pregnant. The first week or two I read books, blogs, etc. However, this week I haven't read anything. I refuse to allow myself to get preoccupied anymore until I know for sure.

It this what is really going on? Am I just putting up walls for fear of tomorrow or is my instincts kicking in telling me there is something wrong? I won't know until tomorrow but I feel I will be cursed to worry and stress for the next 24 hours.

A new kind of waiting

I know it's been a while since I wrote on here but it's been a bit crazy since the last time I was on here. Remember how I told you I was in my two week wait? Well, it was a pretty uneventful two weeks. I tested four days before my period, nothing. I tested 3 days before my period, nothing. I tested 2 day before my period, nothing. So I went along with my life. That weekend we built a fence. It was hard work. We lugged around 170 fence post, ten 80-lb bags of cement and dug 10 post holes. I got to use a nail gun and in the end we ended up having a pretty good looking fence. All weekend I waited for my period to start so I could have a beer but Sunday passed and nothing. So Monday (which happened to be Labor Day) approached and still nothing. I woke up about 6:30 that morning to go to the bathroom and decided that should take a test just in case and it's best with my first morning urine. I fumbled around for a test and took it. As I sat there half asleep starting at the test I realized something. Two lines were coming up. Wait, what?! Two lines. What does that mean? I sat there dumbfounded and confused for a while. It meant I AM PREGNANT! It's not possible. I sat there in shock, crying. It happened but how. My test were negative days before how is it so positive now (it wasn't a light line). So what did I do next?

I went back to bed, tapped M on the shoulder and when he rolled over I told him I thought I was pregnant. He kissed me and went back to bed. So did I. I woke up two hours later and took two more cheapie internet test. Both faint but positive. Then I sat on the bed as M got up to go to the restroom. I waiting for him to see the test on the back on the toilet. When he came out I asked him if he remembered what I told him. He said "yep, you're pregnant".

That was it, my big reveal. I somehow always manage to ruin the big moments in our lives. Later that day I took a test that was digital and it said pregnant!

Now I have a new kind of waiting. I have to wait until September 19 for my first appointment to confirm pregnancy and have an ultrasound. I can't believe I have to wait so long but because I am young and never had a problem before it's standard. So for that last week I have taken a few more test to be sure but they are all still positive. I may really be pregnant. I don't think M or I are letting ourselves get excited until our doctors appointment but this might really be happening.

Now we just have to figure out when and how to tell our friends and family. We don't want to be alone in this but we don't want to tell anyone until we are sure we are. So until then, I will tell you- the internet world and my one follower, whoever you are. After 17 months I am finally PREGNANT!

Here we are again

I am in the two week wait now. If you recall from previous post, this means I am waiting to find out if I am pregnant. Today I am what they consider 4dpo (days past ovulation) and it's the worst. Now I get to have secret debates with myself for about the next week and a half about whether or not I am pregnant. Most likely the answer is no. Even though I had my HSG this month (which for some reason increases fertility for a few months afterwards) and even though we have been both been taking medicine I have a feeling I am already out this month. I don't know why, but I feel like with my temperatures from my charts and everything that it just didn't work this month but of course no one can know for certain. Instead I get heart debates with my logical self every time I get a cramp, feel a twinge, get heartburn, don't sleep well, check my BBT each morning, or yawn at work. It's ridiculous. It would be convenient to get pregnant this month because it would be before the heat of summer, would be around the time T graduates and who am I kidding I am tried of trying. It's been about 17 months, it is time to get pregnant! However, only time will tell. Let the countdown begin, T-minus 10 days until I know if I am pregnant or not.

I'm normal

This is the first time I think in my life that I am been so glad to hear the words 'your normal'. I had my HSG done today and from all the preliminary looks I am normal. My uterus is normal. My tubes are clear. If we could get sperm and egg to meet we could have a baby. I am so relieved. In fact, I sort of wanted to cry when they told me. At first I was worried. I could see one tub clearly but the other one not so much. However, it was quite uncomfortable and the cramping wasn't pleasant so I don't think I was paying attention too well but when he said everything looked good I was relieved. I have to wait for the official report from my doctor but as of now I am normal.

Our lives have been so crazy the last 18 months but even so much over the past few weeks so it feels nice to finally get some good news.I am hoping this means my season of hardship might be coming to a close and we can enter into some happiness until the next season of hardship comes at us.

Now I just have to hope I ovulate this month. I should be anytime this week or next. Fingers crossed that I do, that M's medicine is helping his problem and that we can get it right.

It's been a while

Our lives have been so crazy lately. In the last two weeks we have had to deal with an unexpected bed bug problem. (I know, gross). This problem consisted of us paying to have our house sprayed, moving everything out of our house to get it sprayed, staying in a hotel for three days, buy new furniture and beds all for the sum of over $5,000. Plus we had to either have everything in our home dry cleaned or washed before we could come back which took countless hours. If it wasn't for my mom helping we would have not made it through. Through in a little teen angst and you can see why I haven't been on here in a while. Then after all that started to calm my mother finally got a call to move into some income based housing which is wonderful but now we have to move her in about a week to help us know have to pay for two apartment rents in one month. So here we are about to embark on another busy and stressful week. On top of all that I am schedule for my test next Wednesday to see if my tubes are clear or if I have any other problems with my uterus. I am nervous because I don't know if I can take hearing any more bad news about us not being able to have a baby but I am also stressed because it will cost us $1000 out of pocket, which at this time is very difficult with our whole bed bug problem. I hope I don't pull out my hair or drink too much.

Maybe in a few weeks life will go back to normal? Until then, keep us in your thoughts and prays as we have to find a way to pay for all this stuff this month. I don't know how we will do it.

Again with the waiting

Well we are now waiting again. I finally got a call back from all our doctors. M is cleared to continue to try and have a baby. He is on the "borderline" side of having a low count and everything but they feel if we do anything that we would actually make it worst than better. So until he falls on the other side of the line we are to move forward. I had all the paperwork sent to my doctors and after two weeks finally heard back. We are moving forward with my testing. So I have to wait to see if my period shows up. I know it won't but I have to wait till the end of the month to see. Then I have to take 10 days worth of pills to start it (which it won't start till about 14 days after the pills). On my first day I have to call to schedule the testing which will happen about a week and a half after starting. So what does that mean? I have to wait almost a month before the test and then afterwards we will have to wait for the results to know when we start trying again! It frustrating because this makes a four month break from everything. I am beginning to think I will not be pregnant until next year.

Will this ever happen?

On top of that, our insurance doesn't cover any of this so M's test cost us $850 and mine will cost us $1,000. I guess I'll be working at Kmart forever.

Gut Feeling

Have you ever had one of those gut feeling where you know something it about to happen. I have had one of those for the past couple of days. In the back of my mind I have this little voice that keeps telling me something is about to change. I don't know what it is but it doesn't feel like it going to be good. I hate to be pessimistic but it's just one of those gut feelings. I don't think the change will necessarily be bad but different. It's going to make our life crazier that it is now. I just sense that by the end of this year, something major will be different with our lives.

At first, I thought I had this gut feeling because so many things are changing in my friend’s lives. I have one friend that is having some marital problems. I have one friend that is looking at maybe landing her dream job and moving to Chicago to finish her degree and work. I have another friend that is purchasing a new car, looking at buying a new house and starting a family. Lastly, I have a friend that has a husband working on getting sober. It's all changing. Everyone's life seems to be in a new rotation and I have a feeling ours will be too soon. Maybe I am wrong, maybe our rotation has already change with my brother coming to live with us but there is still the sinking feeling that it’s not done changing. Oh how I wish it was changing because we got pregnant but I don't think that is it.

I guess all I can do it wait to see if my gut feeling it right or if I am just playing this up in my head.

Everything is fine

That's what the urologist told us after three weeks of waiting for M's test results. It was discovered that M has Varicolele but that after the other test he didn't feel that there was any reason for surgery unless M developed pain. M's had a new SA done and his count was normal and the morphology was normal. I am confused by these because his first SA was terrible and secondly both doctors have told us different numbers were normal. So the urologist said he didn’t feel we needed to do any more than "just keep trying and be patient". So we wait again. This time we wait for my doctor to call back and tell me what the plan is now that M has been cleared. It's frustrating because we have now been on hold from trying for about three months but at least we have one thing checked off the list (even though it cost us about $750). Hopefully, my doctor will have good news and we can start trying again. Maybe if we are lucky we can be pregnant by the end of the year otherwise I have a feeling we will be referred to the fertility clinic an hour away. I am really hoping to avoid that.

Bitter

Sometimes in life, even when you try your hardest, you find yourself bitter. I think that is me for the last couple of weeks. Lately, all I can think about is how I have "checked all the boxes" in my life and yet life still somehow doesn't give me the things I want. I did my do diligence. I graduated college; I got married; I have a job and work hard; I bought a house; we waited a few years after marriage before trying for children; I make every effort not to get myself into a lot of debt and be responsible; I volunteer, and I do my best to be a good person. Yet, with all that I am still left with a crazy life.

I don't want a crazy life. I want to put in all the hard work and dedication and get out what I expect.

I want to a baby.

I want to have a good career.

I want to go back to school.

I want to have a little financial freedom to go on dates each month.

I want to be out of debt.

But no matter how hard I work, I can't seem to reach these goals as life continues to throw needless, crazy situation at us. It seems so unfair.

I see people getting new cars, buy new things, getting promotions, graduating with their Masters and having babies. But not me, no matter how hard I try it's not me. Instead, I am a caregiver to my brother and my mother who take all my extra effort, time and money. I work two jobs to keep up and M does all the house work, errands and running around. I am lucky to get one night alone with my husband and even luckier to be able to afford a date night every couple of month.

So yes, I am bitter. At least for now.

Confidence, where did you go?

I used to never suffer from a lack of confidence. While growing up and through my college years I had always been a confident person. I was the one everyone looked too, the one that took on whatever came my way and never blinked at a challenge but all that changed when I left college and started my first real job. For the first year, I was confident, outspoken and took on many challenges. With my abundance of confidence, my ability to learn and adapt quickly and my drive I was promoted to regional manager before the second part of my second year. I was ecstatic. Here I was right out of college and was already a manager. People had confidence in me and I had always thought I was special. I always thought I would make something big of myself and this promotion played into my confidence. However, my new promotion didn't go as I planned. Quickly, I was responsible for 15 employees many of which I was responsible to hire and all of which were right out of college. Looking back now, I see the difficulty for anyone who is in the same age group to lead a large group. Automatically, my employees didn't respect me because of my age and lack of experience but more importantly they didn't respect me because honestly I wasn't a good manager. I was bossy, arrogant and micromanaged. I tried to be different but once I realized I needed to change it was too late. I probably could have turned it around and made a big difference except for two things.

First, I didn't have a very supportive supervisor. I never felt she was on my side, I knew at every chance she would throw me under the bus to protect herself. She was never on my side and never backed me up. But I think the reason it never worked out was because early on she wrote me up for something I didn't do and started to blame all the problems of the region on me. She sent me to management training to learn to "work with people better". She ultimately had torn down my confidence instead of building it up. From that point forward, I never regained my step. How could I get my team to have confidence in the direction we were going if my supervisor didn't trust me and I didn't trust me. My earth was shattered. I stayed for over a year trying to make it work but I was miserable, stressed, working 14 hours days to try and make it better. But it all came down to not believing I could make a different. I had realized I wasn't special. I wasn't something big and that I was a failure. It was the first time in my life I had ever really failed at anything. It shattered me. After three years with the organization I was fortunate enough to find a job in my town (did I mention while going through all this I was commuting an hour each way, every day). I used the excuse of the distance to leave but I really left because I didn't want to be with an organization that didn't support or trust me and because I didn't believe I could make a different or be good there.

It's been two year and I still am dealing with the fallout. I am confident in my everyday life. I can do my everyday task at my new job but I am terrified to take a step forward. I don't know if I could take another leadership role if offered. My fear of failure and lack confidence holds me back from opportunities, from starting graduate school, and from taking challenges. I truly feel that I am not worthy of being someone important even though I desire it. I have not applied for positions that people suggest because I am afraid to change and to fail again. I can do this job and do it well but there is not much room for growth here. I can learn from my co-workers-they are supportive and encouraging, but in terms of earning more money, taking on more responsibilities there is not much opportunity for me. I am not ready to leave this organization because I know I am not done learning from everyone but I fear when I hit that point I will not leave because of the lack of confidence in myself.

As I sit here and type this I truly understand how hard it is to build self-confidence back up. Are there steps you have to take or is it just a gradual healing of yourself that will help? I hope one day to find out so I don't limit myself or my family.

Mini Vacation

Today is my first day back after taking a mini vacation with M this weekend. It was fantastic to get away just the two of us for a few days. It was one of those vacation that seemed like it was forever long, which is what we needed. It all started on Friday when we left work early for M's appointment with a urologist. We had previously decided that we would start our vacation right after his appointment in Tulsa. So we booked a room in Tulsa for Friday night. All we had to do was get through the appointment. The appointment itself only took about 2 hours but it was an extremely awkward 2 hours. First, we were 5 minutes late because we went to the wrong place. Then M wanted me to come in the room with him to explain his last test because I can remember these things better. So I agreed and went in. Wrong choice. Now I was glad to be able to help explain what was going on but I was not excited when the doctor decided to have M drop his pants for an examine. I couldn't look. I didn't want to look while this was happening. The exam was the longest 10 minutes of my life so far. I just stared at an opposite wall. Then the doctor decided we needed to have an ultrasound done of M's privates (I didn't know they did that) and another semen analysis. Thankfully, the techs were still onsite and we were able to do the ultrasound on Friday (I didn't have to be a part of that) but they place to do the other test was closed. We were able to make another appointment for this week but that means there will be a certain part of abstinence on our vacation. That was a bummer. So after two hours of awkwardness we were ready for vacation.

Over the next two and a half days were enjoyed going to a movie, shopping at the outlet mall, seeing Bricktown in Oklahoma City, going to the OKC Zoo, hitting a few museums, swimming and most importantly spending time together. We spent so much time laughing and talking. We did great at trying not to be on our phones all weekend and really focusing on ourselves. It's hard to take a technology break when you are so used to using it to communicate all the time but I am glad we found a way to unplug. I think we really needed this. Life has been crazy since T moved in and I think we needed to feel a bit normal.

Now that we are back, we have already have been thrust back into the real world. My first day back to work will be a 12 hour day. T got a letter saying that he didn't pass his end of year exam for English and will need to retake them this summer. That was not a fun conversation. T doesn't take bad news well and he likes to blame other people. Things have already been crazy but at least I can look back and be thankful for a few days of peace. M will have his other test this week and hopefully be next week we will have some answers. T will finish summer school next week and will get a bit of a summer before needing to go back in and take his exams and then start his technical classes.

Doctors Appointmnet

Today M and I will visit a Urologist to discuss M's semen analysis and how we can move forward. The biggest part of today is to make sure there is not a serious health problem with M which caused poor results. Once that is ruled out we can then move forward with what to do to increase our chances of having a baby. I am sure it is nerve wracking for M but I am a bit of a mess today too. First, I don't want anything to be wrong with M. Secondly, I am afraid of what they may say. On one hand I am ready to get answers to way we are having so much trouble and what we can do about it but I am nervous because I am a worst case scenario type of person. I don't want my dreams crushed and I don't know how well I will handle news that it will be tough to conceive (any more than we know it will be). Lastly, I am nervous because I don't want M to get stressed out or feel bad. I know how much of a toll it takes on me knowing that I am broken and I am one reason we can't have a baby. I know it makes me question how “womanly” I am because that is what my body was made to do. I am sure my feminist friends out there are cringing and that last statement but for me it's personally true. So I can only imagine how it could make M feel and how it could shake his confidence.

If you get a moment say a prayer for us or send us positive thoughts (or money since these tests are expensive)!

Time to get away

I think it is time for me and M to get away together. It has been a crazy year and I feel like we have had no time together. We only have 4 days together but I think we have decided to try and find a way to get away. We may just go somewhere that is just a few hour drive but it will be worth it. The hard part is just deciding where to go. We are on a limited budget so that will put a hamper on a lot of things but I think just getting away and trying to relax will be worth it. We will get off early on Friday and won't have to return until Wednesday morning. Now we just have to get through the next couple days without going stir crazy!

Messy lives

When I was younger I used to always hear people talk about how life got so messy when you were older. I have always understood the concept since my life has always seemed to be a bit complicated and messy. However, it wasn't until I had the opportunity to hang out with two of my best friends this weekend that I realized how true that is. As each year passes it seem all of our life’s get more complicated. Marriages hit rough spots, relationships end, new possibilities bloom and uncertainty sets in. I had a great time this weekend seeing my friend. She is currently in Chicago for an internship (which is amazing). Her life is so full of possibilities and seems to just be starting but at the same time her relationship with her boyfriend of three years seems to be ending. My other friend we were with seems to be having a lot of difficulty in her life as well. Things are just so messy right now. Our entire weekend was filled to the brim with all sorts of emotions from laughter, to anger, to disappointment to sadness (this had a lot to do with the movie The Fault in Our Stars that we saw). It just made me realize even though deep down I have always known that my life isn't the only one that is messy, spinning out of control at various moments and filled with unhappiness. This is something that happens in all our lives, it just seems to increase as we get older.

I am thankful for my weekend with my friend because it allowed me to relax. I didn't talk with them about what was going on in my life too much. They know some of it and I am sure they are tired of hearing it but if truly helped to see that it's all of us and that no matter what we are all there for each other.

I love weekends with my friends! In fact, I think I may splurge and fly to Chicago and see my friend there before she leaves. We only live once, right?

If I didn't know better...

I would think I was pregnant. This week I have been extremely tired and hungry. There have been multiple days where it was hard to get out of bed, keep my eyes open throughout the day and by 8:00pm I am ready for bed. On top of that every day I have been extremely hungry. I thought I had done well this week eating healthy items when I was hungry but that wasn't the case when I stepped on the scale this week. Even though I didn't go over my points on weight watchers I gained about half a pound. This is disappointing because I was so close to getting to my next goal. I swear this last 12 pounds or so is never going to come off. Then I have noticed this week that my back hurts, I have had increased head aches and heart burn. However, I know I am not pregnant. It's not possible with M's problems and me not being on medication but it seems like all the signs would point that direction. That is one thing I hate about wanting a baby so bad, you can turn everything into a symptom. I will say that it would be a neat miracle if I was so I could surprise M on his birthday next week which happens to be on Father's Day. However, the chances of that is like 1:1,000,000. For now, I will just deal with all of this weirdness my body is putting upon me which today is a severe stomach age. All I want to do is take a nap.

On a lighter night, I am excited to see my friend this weekend. She is flying in from Chicago for quick trip. I just hope my body decides to get its act together so I feel better.

Does this baby make me look fat?

I stumbled across this short video series the other day. M and I watched them and had two thoughts. First, this is really what TTC is like and secondly, this is hilarious. We loved being able to joke about some of the things that have happened over the past 15 months while trying to have a baby. At this point, we needed some laughter as our lives are crazy and trying to have a baby has become more difficult. So, if you really want to know what it's like and need a laugh watch these videos.

http://youtu.be/yf7kmO2Mi9c

Ew, Are you crying?

If you knew me personally you may know I don't do well with emotions. Over the past few years, I have become more comfortable with emotions especially since the man I fell in love with is an emotional guy. However, being emotional and vulnerable is a challenge for me. I find myself much more emotional as I get older but I think that is because I have tried to practice more sympathy and empathy towards others. No matter how much I try I am not sure that I will ever be comfortable with crying nor with someone that is too emotional. I can see the point of emotions but I find them to often be pointless and unhelpful. When you are emotional its hard to handle a situation with logic. When you are emotional conversations seem to be less constructive and are more prone to misunderstandings. But you can't hide emotions. They seep out of everyone's (just some of us seem to ooze with emotions).

I say all this because if you knew me at all you would already know these things about me. So why is it that my mother doesn't? Today, she called all crying wanting to sit down one day and really talk about our past, to be able to tell me she is sorry and how much she loves me. It is a nice gesture but it really is only to make herself feel better. It doesn't make me feel better in fact it would be extremely uncomfortable and stressful for me. It's not going to change our relationship because "hashing things out" doesn't really work for me. It's not about the words but about the actions of trying to change. She doesn't get that. She doesn't understand that our relationship isn't necessarily strained because of our past but because of the decisions that she continues to make now. It's frustrating.

I would like to say that I handled the situation well but I didn't. Instead, I tried to remind that I was not emotional and I rushed off the phone as quickly as possible. It's awful but she started crying on the phone and all I could think of was "eck, emotions. Are you really crying right now?". It know its terrible and I know that somehow we need to find a way to fix our relationship since she may be here a while but at this point I am not sure how to do that and if I even really want too.

Should I spill the beans?

Today I have had two people ask if M and I are going to have a baby soon. I know a lot of people who are infertile (or even women who don't want to have children) are offended by this question. I understand their argument, that it's no one's business and that by asking this simple question it can hurt someone but I don't feel that way. I am not offended when people ask but I am finding myself either answering the same way "we will have a family someday" or by coming up with some excuse. Most of the people who ask me are friends or family and typically are not strangers, so it doesn't seem weird to me that they would be curious. It has got me thinking lately that maybe it is time to spill the beans about our fertility issues. First, when someone asks me that question it makes me sad and maybe if I told them the real reason they would understand and stop asking. Secondly, maybe if we talked with our family and friends about it more openly it would make things easier.

Don't get me wrong, I have told some of my friends and family but very few. I am sure they are tired of me calling them when I am sad or upset about it. Therefore, if we told more people we could go to more people for support? But telling people makes me nervous. First, it means they know we are trying and it could lead to all the things I don't want to hear like "maybe if you just relax if will happen" or "maybe it's not Gods timing". These are valid points but unless you truly understand that we did relax for a year and still no luck and that we are now in the part that if we are not more active it will never happen. Maybe we could tell them all the struggles and challenges. Maybe they could share our tears with us. But I feel that maybe they won't understand. Maybe they will judge us or worse really not care. Plus, sharing something like this seems so intimate. When trying to have a baby your relationship with your husband becomes more intimate and when you struggle its embarrassing. Will someone understand that?

For now, we haven't said anything but we are certainly weighing the pros and cons. How much longer can we go without telling our parents? How much longer can we hold this in without more support?

As anyone out there struggled with the same issue? I would love to hear stories on how you handled it.

Unhappy

While working at Kmart this weekend I realized two things. First, I have way to much time to think while I am there which lead to my second realization; I am not happy with my life. It one of those moments where you want to deny it but you realize that you can't or at least you can't anymore. I will start off by saying I am not unhappy with everything in my life but there is a significant part that I am not happy with. I think it all boils down to the fact that my life has seem to do nothing but spin off of its axis. Instead of living my life it seems like I am living in an alternate reality and it revolves around everyone but myself.

Many people would argue that your life should not revolve around you but others. I agree, you should not live a selfish life. Your life should be dedicated to the betterment of mankind and the planet. I think everyday you should make an effort to live outside yourself but recently it seems that I am not living outside myself but that my life revolves around everyone else. Everyday my life is filled with raising my brother, with taking care of my mother, of putting fires out in our family, of checking on my grandparents to make sure they are being taken care of and of working to make sure we have enough money to not get in a bind. It's exhausting. On top of taking care of everyone else, I am trying to keep devote time to my marriage, trying to start a family and at the least make sure my friends are alive with quick text messages. My life seems to be consumed with every thing and it seems that there is no time for me.

I am an ambitious person but I have lost it all. I don't know what to do with my life. Even though I enjoy my job I am not sure if there is much growth here for me. I want the opportunity to make something of myself. I want to grow as a professional and one day look back and feel like I have really made a career for myself but I am not even doing that. I feel stagnate with my life. The only thing that seems to be going well is my marriage. We have been able to take all the chances like champions, we still laugh together and enjoy each others company even with the limited time we have together but will that continue if the unhappiness in all the other areas continue? Will I be able to continue to be happy in one area despite being unhappy in the others or will the darkness eventually take it all over?

I don't know what my next step is. I am not sure at this time I really can change much. I could try and change jobs and I could decided to stop trying to start our family to decrease the stress but is that enough? I can't change the fact that I need to be there for my brother. I can't break the promise to my mother that I would take care of her as long as she continues to try in her life (and stays in town). So here I am realizing I am not happy and needing to do something about it but I just don't know what.

One step forward

Yesterday we got exciting news. T was accepted into a high school to college program at our technical school in town. He will be studying precision machinery there in the afternoons next school year! It's a great program and a great step for him. We have been worried that a traditional route to college may not be attainable right away for him because we are getting such a late start preparing him. We encouraged him to apply for this program because he is a hands-on learner and because it would be a great stepping stone for him outside of high school. We encouraged him that if he went his senior year and then one year after that he would be given a technical certificate and then a job placement. He could then either work full-time or use the experience to apply for a four year university proving to them that he could make it in college. I think this is going to be wonderful for him. He was really excited about getting in because he bombed his exam but they made an exception with his references.

I am so happy to see one thing work out and excited to start helping T see all his potential and all the positive things he could do in life. Now we just have to get him through a month of summer school and the enrollment process and we are on our way to a successful graduation and now down a career path (even if it is just temporary). Fingers crossed this all works out because it could be a path that opens so many doors for him in the future.

The First Cut Is the Deepest

Yesterday we received our first fertility test results back. There were not good. We have always known there is something wrong with me. My body doesn't work the right way. We have always been hopeful that the medicine would be the only thing we needed to get pregnant but my doctor would not continue the medicine any more without testing. So he set us up for our first two test, my HSG which I have been waiting to get AF to schedule and M's semen analysis. AF finally showed on Saturday after a long 2 week wait so I called the doctor to schedule my test. While I was talking with the nurse I asked her if we had the results back from M's SA and if the doctor wanted to prescribe the medication to me to start taking (since I have to take it cycle day 3-7) so that if my test came back normal we could try this month. She said she would double check with the doctor and call me back with an appointment time and answers. My first indication that something was wrong should have been the lack of call last week with results and the second indication should have been the nurse calling me back pretty quickly which is unusual for her. She told me that M's SA results were not good. He had a low count and a high percentage of abnormal sperm. She said the doctor would not schedule my procedure or call out any medication until M was looked at by a urologist and that his 'problems were diagnosed and fixed'. Now, I know it makes sense especially since our insurance doesn't cover anything so we have to pay out of pocket. We shouldn't schedule a test if we already that could be unnecessary if we know there is another problem to fix. She told me to call a specialist in Tulsa and that if we needed anything to give them a call.

After the call ended, it took everything in me not to breakdown in my office. Why do hard phone calls like that always have to happen at work? So I held myself together. Its tough hearing that there is more than one problem with having a baby. Its tough hearing that your chances have severely diminished and that you may not even been able to treat it because your insurance doesn't pay. But I think what's worse is having to break the news to your husband. How are you supposed to go to someone that you love and tell them they are part of the problem? More importantly how do you go to a man and tell him that the problem is with his 'manhood'? I know that we shouldn't think that that but I know that it must make him feel slightly less like a man even though I don't see it that way. Want to know what made everything worse? This happened on a Monday. The one night I work 12 hours and he works a noon-9pm shift meaning the only time we really see each other is at 4:00pm when we both take a lunch break. I knew I wouldn't make it through lunch without him asking if I talked to the doctor and if something was wrong. Therefore, I had to tell him during a terrible time where we both have to go back to work and maul it over before coming home.

So I steeled my nerves and told him. He reacted as I thought. He internalized everything. I could tell he was upset, sad, angry, and much more but he didn't really say anything. I tried to talk with him but he really just said "I feel bad that I can't give you a baby". It was a terrible hour made worse by the lack of tears or emotions. We said our goodbyes and went to work. I of course got stuck working in the children and infant clothing section last night making my emotional boil up but needing to keep them at bay.

Things got better last night. We were able to talk a bit more and I assured him I didn’t see this as his failure but another failure of being a human because our bodies don’t always work correctly. I told him that I was sort of relieved that we shared the burden of the infertility together (I know you may be thinking it's terrible to say but it did help). I told him there are lots of ways to make a family and we shouldn't jump to any conclusions until we saw the specialist. More importantly I told him I loved him and that this wouldn't change us. That we would stay the same and my feelings for him wouldn't change because of something like this. I think it helped but I also know neither of us slept well last night.

Today I am just reminded that "the first cut is the deepest" and that we will not let this sap our joy from us.

Still Waiting

Waiting is the hardest part of anything. It's terrible when I am in the two week wait to find out if we are pregnant or not but it is even worse having to wait for testing. We did M's semen analysis on Tuesday and we are still waiting to hear something back. It's even more frustrating because there is a good chance that we may have to redo the test. See when it was ordered by my doctor he didn't tell us that we have to schedule an appointment to bring in the same. All he told us was that the lab opened at 7:30am and we could go anytime we wanted. He also didn't tell us the guidelines we needed to follow for the test. Thankfully, I read some things online but everything said different things so we estimated but what our lab wanted was different from what we did. The lab took our sample and said they would call us back to say if we needed to redo the test or not. We have heard nothing. Now that could mean that they accepted it and that we are just waiting for the doctor to give us the news but our lab was just bought out by another company so everything is running slower, meaning everything is in the air. Secondly, I am waiting for AF to show up so I can take my test. She was suppose to arrive 3-7 days after the medication. We have passed that deadline and are coming up on two weeks. She needs to show so we can get this show on the road. I am just ready to get it over with so I know if there is a problem or not. I have known for a long time that I would have trouble conceiving but now we need to confirm that. I hate the waiting. It could be something simple like a hormone imbalance but it could be something much worse and we won't know anything until AF comes and we can run the test.

So here we are waiting. Waiting to know if M's test is good. Waiting to run mine. Waiting to get pregnant. I sure do hate all this waiting.

It's been too long

I haven't posted for a while. Things have been quite crazy lately, primarily with work. Our biggest fundraiser happened this past weekend but I have spent the last few weeks running around getting ready for it. It is always quite a task but it was even more difficult this year with my added responsibilities at the fundraiser, my part-time job, having a teenager, trying to have a baby and being part of a few committees that just happen to be starting up now in my busy season. I don't think I have stopped moving or turned off my brain for more than a few hours in the past two months. I am so thankful having a day off tomorrow. I plan to do nothing except maybe get my hair cut and a pedicure. I need a day to recover, a day to not think or have any responsibilities.

I figured this post would just be a quite update on how things have been:

1. T finally has a job. He has works most evenings from 5-9 and about 5-midnight on the weekends at our local Taco Bell. I am glad he got a job there because it's within walking distant. He seems happy so far. He will get his first paycheck today. He is doing well in school. He has finished up his night classes, has just two weeks left of regular school and then one month of summer school. After that he will officially be a senior and will just have one year left to finish. We are still hoping to get him into the trade school in town this year. It's nice because he can be hands on and get high school credit. It is in the air right now because (as he always does) he rushed through the testing needed and didn't score well. I guess only time will tell.

2. The part-time job is going well. It like having a job that doesn't require any real brain power and that I can just be left to myself. It is a big disappointing to see how little the paychecks are. I know I don't work much but its discouraging because when you stack it up against everything on my plate it is pretty sad because I am going to have to work there much longer than I anticipated.

3. We are still not pregnant. Our off month produced nothing. I went back to the doctor and he has ordered some test. M just did his semen analysis yesterday but may have to repeat it because there was a problem at the lab. We are waiting to hear back. I have taken my 10 days of Provera to start my cycle so that I can go have an HSG ran to make sure my tubes are clear. You are supposed to start your cycle 3-7 days after the last pill but no more than 14 days. It's been 10 days post medication and still no cycle. I will give it till next week and if AF doesn't show I will have to call the doctor and maybe get on a new medication. I wish I could say I didn't start because I was pregnant but I took a test the other day. Negative.

4. I am excited that my friend may come to visit in a couple weeks. She is living in Chicago this summer for an internship. I am pretty jealous of that but so proud of her. In fact, I would be excited to see any of my friends in the next couple weeks. It's been crazy and I don't feel like I have really had interaction with anyone besides co-workers, strangers and my immediate family. I may be going crazy over that.

5. We have the Warrior Dash 5K this weekend. Yesterday was the first day I have ran and done push-ups/weights in three weeks. Needless to say, I am not prepared for it so I might die.


Hopefully, the next time I blog I will have so good news about some of these things!

Another Crazy Week

I think this is the longest I have sat in my chair at work all week but I won't be here for long. It's only Wednesday and it has been a crazy week already. Monday I didn't even have time to have dinner before going to my part-time job. Last night I barely fit in a run and supper before errands and crashing at 9:30 to be up early this morning. Today I am heading on a day trip for work and should be back (if everything goes according to plan) by 4:30 giving me about an hour to check emails, grab supper and head to my part-time job. Tomorrow I should have a fairly light morning to catch up on everything I haven’t been able to accomplish this week before our monthly social hour where I will be running around from about 2:00p-8:00p. Tomorrow I have another half day to work until my committee meeting. Then I have to spend the evening preparing for the garage sale that we planned months ago with our friends but completely forgot about. Saturday night is my friend 30th birthday so we will be out all night. Maybe I will have a chance to rest a bit on Sunday before work between cleaning the house, grocery shopping and making sure T has all his homework done.

Speaking of T, he got a job!! He will start at our local Taco Bell this evening. I wish I had more time to encourage him before he start but he will be on his own. I hope this goes well. I was able to fit in sometime this week to get him a checking account, which I think I was more excited about than him. We are slowly making progress. What we are not making progress on is having a baby. This is our "break" month. Nothing special has happened. I have to make sometime this week to call my doctor to see what the next step is. Overall, this week has been crazy and until our big fundraiser at work is over on May 11 I think I will be running around like a mad women.

P.S. Folding adorable baby clothes three times a week is not helping my insane case of baby fever. Grant it, I think I have earned baby fevers since today marks 1 year of trying to have a baby but still. There are so many cute things I want to buy for my nonexistent baby. It's terrible.

What a week

I don't really know what to say. The week started off fine but ended in disaster and next week seems to be a repeat of this week already. So much happened but here is the low down. Lots of people are either out of the office or quit/retired. We are shorthanded everywhere. I have been yelled at on the phone approximately 5 times a day because someone is unhappy with our new doctor. The rental service we used for our trips messed up and I had to cancel another trip this week. This caused more people to yell at me. It also caused me to be yelled at by my boss even though I really didn't have any control. I have been super tired and think I am getting sick.

Overall, it's not been a great week. At least I have tonight and tomorrow to relax until my week starts again. UGH.

Why is this so hard?

This month is the worse! I know that it's only half way through the month but so far I am not a fan. Not only am I tired from trying to adjust to working two jobs I have been overly moody and felt terrible on and off for about a week now making things even worse. Wait? Moody? Not feeling well for a week? Not sleeping well? Maybe I am pregnant? NOPE! Or at least not according to my wonderful app on my phone that records all my temperatures and tells me if I have ovulated. Now I know I shouldn't base everything on a app on my phone but it's been pretty darn accurate so far. This month is an off month for us so it means no medication which means I should be back to normal from not having side effects from the medicine but nope. I think I feel worse this month. Plus, I have been temping every day still to keep a good record and my temps have been all over the place. It's really crazy to see my chart. I did have hope that I ovulated a couple days ago but was burned by my temperature dip this morning. I don't know why I let myself hope that my body would work without medication. It won't. It hasn't since I was a teenager but here I am again disappointed by my free floating, hopeful heart. Oh, and did I mention that another person that I went to college with is pregnant? This one I thought wouldn’t bother me because I know she has struggled to get pregnant and had to do IVF to conceive but the way that she is flaunting it around Facebook and talking about it nonstop is making me irritated and most days I want to punch her in the face. I mean, seriously, she announced her pregnancy (she was only 6 weeks along) while on her three week vacation in Paris. Also, why do you need a vacation to Paris when you are a stay at home wife?!

Not only have I felt terrible this month and realizing that trying to have a baby with a broken body like mine is such a task and an emotional train wreck but I am just tired and everything at work seems to not be working out for me this month. Every plan I have made at work seems to be torn apart by unforeseen events and our annual fundraiser is coming up soon and there is so much to do. Today I am just feeling tired and I have a severe headache. I think I may need more caffeine to get through the day and a pedicure real soon.

Sincerly,
Very cranky and Very Tired

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

This morning I am excited to be a part of a wonderful company. In July I will celebrate 2 years with Elder Care and today I could not be prouder to be working with them. Over the past month Elder Care has won 3 awards of excellence in Oklahoma. First, one of our programs won partnership award due to our cooperation with another local non-profit. It's wonderful to be acknowledged as a cooperative non-profit. Then just a few days later we found out that we one of twenty-four finalist for a ONE (Oklahoma Nonprofit Excellence) Award. We were chosen as a finalist out of 17,000 other nonprofits in Oklahoma; what an achievement! The 24 finalist were divided out into 8 categories (3 nonprofits per category) and a winner would be chosen out of each category. Then at the end of the evening one nonprofit would win the overall "Top Nonprofit of Oklahoma Award". We were not sure if we would win the "seniors" category because we were up against two very well-known nonprofits in Tulsa. However, when our category came up we were surprised to hear that we had one first place in our category. We were flabbergasted. Then as we sat there listening debating amongst ourselves about which nonprofit would take home the overall award they called our name. We won. They chose Elder Care as the 2014 Top Nonprofit of Oklahoma! We screamed a little and didn't know what to say when accepting the award. How amazing is that; what an honor. Then the news continued to get better as we came to work this morning. This morning we received word that we had won the DHS Aging Services' Program of the Year award for Golden Opportunities. I sat in awe because that was my program. My program won. We were nominated for this award and filled out the necessary paperwork but didn't really expect to win but we did. The program I have poured myself into for the past 18 months was being acknowledged as program of the year. Now, I know that this award doesn't have anything to specifically do with me because it was for the program which has been established for over 7 years now but still what an honor.

With all this I sit here this morning proud to be working for Elder Care. Not only have I grown in my 18 months here but I am part of something truly special. It's great to know that I am working with a great company and have so many people to learn from. It's amazing!

How does one live with the craziness?

I sometimes wonder how people live with such chaotic lives. I am not meaning temporary craziness but permanent, day to day, year after year craziness. I hear all the time about families that live like this; typically the poor because they can't seem to pull themselves away from the chaos. My mother always seems to be in a cycle like this. No matter how much I try and help it seems to always be a whirlwind of things. One week she may be working and everything is fine then the next week she is sick. The following week she doesn't have a job but a few days later she has her same old job back. Every week things are changing and never the same. How can she live like that? I understand the idea that once you live in the chaos you begin to adjust to it but who would want to do that?

I am often encouraging her to do things different. To get a different job that would be much more stable, to stop trying to pay debt down with more debt, to demand that her life have meaning and for people to stop treating her like a Slumdog but it doesn't help. She always seems to have a "good reason" for continuing to do the same things. She has been here for almost a year and made no real changes, it’s frustrating. I feel like her behavior is still the same and that without me being on her all the time she would slip into the same cycle and soon would end up homeless again. I know I can't actually change her and that she has to make the changes for herself but I just can't figure out why she wouldn't want to change.

Her lifestyle also concerns me because even though T is not living with her he still is around her and sees it. T is so unmotivated and already seems to have the "woe is me" attitude expecting things to be just given to him. I am afraid that constant exposure to someone who is not moving forward and making good decisions will continue to rub off on him creating a problem instead of encouraging change for him. I don't think she quite understands that he sees how she lives and could be learning from that example because she seems to always make it through. I want him to see her trying and improving. I want him to eventually one day be able to look up to her and see that she has made so many changes that he can too. I want him to learn from both her and I but she doesn't seem to want to be the example he needs.

Sometimes it's all just a bit much for me. Just watching her whirlwind of chaos is tiring but when I try and battle through it to reach her or T it becomes down right exhausting and energy sucking. I know that what we do know will have a large impact on both of their lives but sometimes I just want to wash my hands of it and let the chips lie where they fall.

11.5

Today marks the halfway point for my cycle this month. This means that in about two weeks (give or take a few days) I will know whether or not my body was able to ovulate this month without the medication or not. It also means that in about two weeks I will either be pregnant or moving in to trying to conceive for over a year. I am expecting we will tumble over the year mark with ease as my body has never acted correctly without medication but there is always a small part of me will always hope. I think the main reason that I hope that this will be our month (other than the obvious ones) it that it will mean we will most likely have our baby in 2014. If we don't get pregnant this month it means our baby will be born in 2015. In my mind this seems so far away. I know it's the same amount of time as every pregnancy but to see it topple into another year. Don't get me wrong, I am not really a fan of having a baby in December especially since there is a good chance they could be born on Christmas but I would love to have one before the end of the year. Plus, there is a small part of me that things a New Year’s Eve baby could be awesome. Grant it, there is a good chance that even if we did get pregnant this month that the baby still wouldn't come until 2015 because I would chose not to have an induction and wait for labor to start naturally or at least that is what I am saying now. Who knows what I will actually be like when I’m pregnant. I also still hold out hope to get pregnant this month because I would love for the hubsters brother and family to be here when the baby comes and not in Florida.

With all this, I think I am going to be okay either way this month. I don't have my hopes up too much because I know my body plus there are so many pros and cons to having a baby at the end of the year/beginning of the year for us that I guess it really wouldn’t matter. Therefore all I can do is wait. Wait to see if I ovulate in the next few days. Wait to see if we manage to get pregnant. Wait to see what the doctor says if we don't get pregnant. Wait to see if our lives will change soon or if they will continue to stay the same.

P.S. I think we may need to talk with my in-laws about out struggles. Lately, they have been dropping some hints about us having a baby. I think after almost 5 years of marriage they want us to have children. I have been reluctant to say anything because I don't really know how to bring it up and it is very difficult to share something so private, especially when you are unsure of what is exactly going and only have a suspension.

Messy Weekend

This weekend was kind of a mess. It seems like every time we turned around we had either forgotten something we needed to do or something new would come up. This was not the plan. My plan for the weekend was to have a somewhat relaxing weekend since this week I will start my part-time job which will increase my hours to about 60 a week of work plus making sure T gets to and from night school, keeping up with my exercise group, taking care of my mom, keeping up with the house chores and making sure I fit in time with the hubster and friends. It's going to be crazy so I wanted a less crazy weekend but of course the universe had different plans.

Don't get me wrong it wasn't a terrible weekend but we had a lot of stuff to fit in that shouldn't have taken as long as it did. Here are a few of the highlights from the weekend.

- My mother ended up in the hospital
- All the errands I needed to run took twice as long because everyone and their brother was out this weekend
- My house took much longer to clean because every time I would start on a project I would get interrupted.
- My debit card got stolen so I had to sit on the phone with the bank over the weekend
- T accidently broke the lawn mower while working on the lawn causing us to have to clean up an excessive amount of oil and buy a new lawn mower
(Good thing for that part-time job, right?)
- My phone is being a jerk and not giving me all my text so I spent an hour or so backing it up, resetting it and restoring it. That didn't work so then I spent 30 minutes in the AT&T store only to be told they couldn't do anything and I would have to make an appointment at my closest apple store, which is an hour away.
- My stomach wasn't feeling well so I spent a large amount of time in the bathroom


All of these things were manageable but definitely made sure my weekend was not as relaxing as I wanted it to be. On the bright side I did get to start watching Game of Thrones this weekend. I think I am going to like it.


P.S. For those who are wondering, I still haven't decided what do do about my relative's situation. I have talked with them a couple of times recently and they seem so happy...

The Craziness Begins Soon

On Monday I will start my part-time job at Kmart. The process of getting hired on has been pretty easy and the manager has asked me to pretty much pick my own consistent schedule and just let him know on Monday what I would like. I really appreciate that he will be super flexible with me or at least he seems like he will be but now the craziness will begin. Starting Monday I will work my 40 hours at my full time job and then about 15-20 hours a week at Kmart. I keep telling myself that this is probably only for about 8 months or so but I am beginning to think that isn't true. With 15 hours a week I will only be making about $400 extra a month. That is great but it is going to take me much longer to get the amount I want in savings plus start a retirement fund. I think this is going to be a long road...

Now, I just have to figure out how to balance everything. Thankfully T is almost done with his night school so that will free up two nights a week of needing to work around his schedule plus summer is coming soon. However, it will still be a challenge to be able to make sure the boys don't have to eat frozen meals every time I work at Kmart. I am trying to think ahead, this week I have started to prepare some crockpot meals to put in the freeze and this weekend I hope to be able to prepare some more. This way they can have an easy meal that is healthier than frozen pizza.

Next, I just need to find a way to stay sane myself with all my other obligations with my work out group, the committees I am on, the evening/weekends things with my current job and find time to spend with my friends, T and the hubster. It is certainly going to be crazy but hopefully it will work itself out in the next couple weeks or so. Until then me and coffee are going to be great friends.

Cheater, Cheater Pumpkin Eater?

I am faced with a challenge and I am not sure how to proceed. It is one of those situations that either way I precede someone will most likely get hurt. I have been sitting here for a few days trying to figure out which road to take but I still haven't managed to settle on one path. Here's the situation (I will leave out details to protect the people involved): I received a Facebook message from a stranger. Typically, I just ignore messages like this but it got my attention because the first line said they were trying to contact a relative of mine. I decided to go ahead and read the email. BIG MISTAKE. The person went on to say they were trying to reach my relative because they had slept with this relative’s spouse. They claim to have not known up front this person was married but now that they found out they wanted my relative to know that their spouse is a cheater.

My first thought was "I don't want to know this information. I don't want to be involved" but this can't happen since I read the email. My second thought was "Maybe this person is crazy and just trying to start trouble". I can't imagine this person doing this to my relative but then again we hear stories like this all the time. So I decided to proceed with texting my relative's spouse and asking if they knew this person. They responded that they did. I then went on to tell them that I received a message from them with a picture of the two of them smiling together. They then responded to me asking me not to say anything to my relative because they have been going through some hard times and this would be very bad. They went on to say this person was crazy and stalking them. They said they told this person they were married. They denied sleeping with this person but I realized something, whether emotionally or physically, had happened otherwise they wouldn't be trying to hide it. I wanted to clarify some things with this person so I called to talk with them. After a 20 minute phone call I was still left with doubts and they still wanted me not to say anything. I told them I would think about it.

That's where I am now. I know I should say something to my relative. I mean they are family and I would want to know if something happened between my spouse and someone else but what if nothing happened. They say nothing happened but then why are they trying to hid it from their spouse? Why can't we just tell my relative that some crazy women contacted me and they should be careful? I know I should tell my relative but I don't want to destroy this marriage. I don't want to tell them out of selfness of wanting to avoid this situation. I want to trust this person but I just have an uneasy feeling about this situation. I don't know how to proceed. This person suggested that I don't tell my relative and if they find out they will either tell them that they begged me not to say anything or leave me out of it but can I live with that? Can I see these two and pretend I don't know this information. My relative and I are close; I don't want to destroy that.

What do I do? Are we looking at a stalker or a cheater, cheater pumpkin eater?

April Fool's

Tomorrow is April fool’s Day. In the past I haven't really put much thought or stock into April fool’s Day. It has always been innocent and fun but this year it seems different. The more I wade into the waters of infertility, the more I understand the pain of being infertile. I am just on the edge of this. I have only struggled with infertility for about a year. This last year has been hard but there are women who have been struggling with this for several years. There are women that are trying to deal with the pain of not conceiving, women dealing with the pain of a miscarriage or still birth. There are couples out there that are struggling with IVF or adoption and spend each day just getting through but tomorrow will be hard for them.

Tomorrow, someone they know will claim to be pregnant. The announcement will come through a text or email or on a social media site but no matter how it arrives, it will cut. Tomorrow someone unknowingly will cause someone pain because they joke about being pregnant. Some think it is the fake pregnancy that is what cuts the deepest but it's not. I think most infertile women would agree that we deal with news of real pregnancies all the time. Yes, they hurt but it will be the lack of understanding of infertility that will hurt the most. Someone out there is poking fun at how easy it was for them to get pregnant. Someone will not think about those who have lost a child recently and not realize the pain they will drag up or cause. For myself, even though I am disappointed each time someone else gets pregnant I am happy for them deep down. I am glad their struggle to have a baby is over. Maybe it was easy for them, maybe not but now they have the chance to carry life. But when you pretend to be pregnant, it mocks those of us who do struggle and makes it hurt more.

If anyone is actually reading this blog, please remember this tomorrow. When you are trying to find a way to pull an April fool’s joke please remember all those who are struggling and be kind. Find another way to be funny and spare those around you. There may be someone you don't know that is struggling with infertility and you will only add salt to their wound.

Broken

Yesterday AF showed up. She is two days early. At first, I did what most women do--curse the witch because no one really likes having her around. However, at the evening progressed things went downhill. It seems like everything hit me at once. There I was sitting on my bed realizing that this is the 11th month we have tried to have a baby and we didn't succeed and now we are heading for the big 1 year mark. That is 12 months of trying, of scheduling, of hoping and being disappointed every month. It means we are getting closer to "the talk" my OB-GYN will have with me about needing to find a RE and get officially tested. We have been holding off on this because our insurance doesn't cover much of the test so most of it will be out of pocket and if they diagnosed me with anything fertility related my insurance covers nothing. Once we have our label we will have to pay for anything past that date out of pocket. Medicines, screenings, blood work and procedures all cost a fortune. Through the mist of all the thoughts I have had over the past couple month’s new ones appeared that made matters worse.

First, we will not have a child in 2014. We now are looking into 2015. It seems like an eternity, like a distant future that is never coming to pass. Secondly, M's brother and his family will be moving at the first of the year to Florida. Meaning most likely, even if we get pregnant on our next medicated cycle (which is two months away from now) they will not be here to see our child. My child won't have any aunts or uncles close by after the first of the year. I feel like a failure, knowing how much they have wanted us to have children. I feel like I have also failed M for not being able to get pregnant easily and having to put us through months of trying most of which has eventually turned emotionless and now is just something we have to do. I am sad because the realization of how broken I am here. The realization that I may never hold my own child and the small thought that we may never be able to afford to adopt a child so we may be childless.

All these new thoughts raced through my head last night and I had a minor breakdown. I spent at least an hour crying. I didn't want M to see me that way so I pulled myself together before he came home from work. He could tell something was wrong but I didn't want to talk about it. If I did the walls would break and the crazy would come spilling out. He tried to have me talk about it this morning because I am obviously still very sad about it today but I couldn't. I just pulled myself together and headed to work. All I really want to do is go home, curl up and not move. I want to grief for my loss. I think I need time to wrap my head around this and everything else in my life because nothing seems to be going right. Raising a teenager is hard, being a caregiver to my mother is hard, not having enough money and needing to work more is hard and now I can't even get my body to create the one thing it was made to create, a beautiful new life.

Today I am broken. I feel completely and utterly broken. I don't want to move today. I don't want to deal with anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay and cry. I want to grief for the life that I thought I would have but that I am realizing I may never have. Today is a bad day, a dark day and a day I want to end quickly.

Life is expensive

Now that T has been with us for about 6 months we are realizing just how expensive life is. Cost for just about everything seems to continue to rise but salaries don't. Over the past few months feeding another person, unexpected dental and car repairs and other incidentals have taken their toll on our budget and our savings account. The past two weeks M and I have been having serious discussions on what we can do to cut corners to put money back in savings. We can make it month to month but we need to have money in savings for the unexpected things. After looking at our budget over and over we realized, there are no corners to cut. We have already made a lot of cuts and the few we have left would not really save us much money and we usually cut those on and off through the year as needed. Therefore the only way to be able to start putting money is savings is for one of us to get a part-time job. With that realization, we had to have another awkward conversation- Who would get the part-time job. We are both willing but at the same time neither one of us really want to. We spent this past week thinking of all the factors we had to look at:

Who has the most flexibility in their schedule?
Who has connections to get a job quickly?
What jobs are available part-time?
Which one of wants to take on more at home while the other works?
Who may be able to handle a part-time job better?

In the end, we decided it is better if I get the part-time job. I have more flexibility in my work schedule which is important since M can't leave before 5:30 and some nights 6:00 depending when others come in. He also has to work one night a week and the occasional weekend. However, I can re-arrange my schedule on some days where I can leave at 4:45 if not 4:30 to head to another job. I have worked more than one job in the past before and I don't mind working more if Matt is willing to do more at home. With all this, it made more sense for me to get the job (M said he would get one too if needed) but I had another reason for stepping up. I would never tell M this because he would argue and disagree but I feel I need to make the sacrifice because it's my family that has cause this. It's my mother that drained most of our savings account the first time and we haven't really recovered. It's my brother that we are using all our extra money to support. Therefore, it's my responsibility to take on more. He would never agree to that but he doesn't have to because it's my burden.

I already went in for a job interview at K-Mart. I have a friend that works there part-time and got me the interview (it was fast). I have to admit though, it was a bit embarrassing. Here I am with a college degree working to build my career and profession and now I am working part-time. I understand that it is honorable to work hard to survive but I am a bit embarrassed that I haven't made more of myself yet to be able to make it. I know I will get over it and I know that working part time will only be temporary (we are looking at 8 months because I don't really want to work in retail over the holidays) but it is still embarrassing and a bit overwhelming.

I think I'm Out, again

Well I think my TWW is coming to an end. I am 5 days away from aunt flow (AF) and I think the pre-symptoms are coming. At first, I thought I was in the game because of my seemly larger and firmer breast but those have seemed to subside. Today is 10 DPO and I had a temp drop. Some say it could be from implantation but I think that I am really 12 DPO and that it's a sign of AF. I haven't had too many other signs lately and most of them can be pre-AF. I have been getting cramps, light back ache and dizzy. These are all things that tend to happen to me right before she shows. It's always a bittersweet moment for me. I am sad because we are probably not pregnant and next month will start our 12th month of trying. I also build things up in my head. Here are some of the things I have come up with during my TWW which always makes things worse.

- A November baby would be great because I would be my heaviest during the winter.
- All my vacation time starts over January 16 which means if I did have a baby at the end of November I could either take a longer maternity leave or use all my time for the 6 weeks and have my time start over just in case I need it.
- November is a perfect time to have a baby with my job due to December and January being so slow for me with little travel.
- We could tell our family around Father's Day.


However, I don't think any of these things will be happing for us. It's also a sweet moment for us because we are on the fence about whether it’s a good time to have a baby and a teenager at home. We are already much tighter as is and am not sure how we would afford a baby but we want one. I am already looking at getting a part-time job to allow us to put money in savings. Maybe it's better if we don't have one yet and wait until T is closer to graduation and being out of the house?

Anyways, the whole point of writing this is to say I think I am out; to say that I am disappoint and relieved again. Things are easy right now because none of our friends have kids but when they start getting pregnant (which I think will happen this year) it will get much hard. Having a baby at my age should be easier, but it's not. It's hard work and takes a large toll emotionally every month.

Holy Boobs, Batman!

We are in the TWW (two week wait). This is the worst part about trying to conceive. We are waiting for two weeks to find out if all the charting and temping really helped. As of today I am currently 7 DPO (days past ovulation), which means it is too soon for anything to register on a pregnancy test. There is a small chance that I am plus or minus two days for my DPO count but it's hard to tell because my body is so weird. What does this all mean? I am patiently waiting (okay, not really) to be able to test. The earliest they recommend is at 12 DPO. Some people will get an early result but most people will not until at least 14 DPO or a few days after a missed period. This is event harder for someone with a stupid body that doesn't act like it should because the absence of a period could just mean that the pills didn't work again this month.

It also means that I am symptom spotting; something that is not advised but seems impossible not to do. Seriously, when you have to temp and chart things it really takes out the excitement of seeing if it just happens and turns it everything in to obsessive counting and symptom spotting. As I have mention before the problem with symptom spotting is that many early pregnancy symptoms are the same as after ovulation symptoms and menstruation symptoms. It's all confusing and irritating. Therefore, to make add to the craziness I will tell you what I have noticed over the past week:

- cramps
- tired
- gassy
- sore back and neck
- sore breast
- firmer and bigger breast. I am not sure that this is true or just a figure of my imagination but I swear they are bigger and heavier. Even my husband told me this morning that my breast looked a bit bigger. I had to have him tighten my bra this morning ot make sure they don't sag and yesterday my bottom up shirt was gapping more than it has in the past.

That's it. All of these things can be explained as things that happen after ovulation and before your period comes (expect the bigger breast, but as I said it could just be my imagination). I guess we will have to wait another week or week and a half to see if I am just being paranoid again or if we are really pregnant; which would be awesome since we are on the verge of hitting the year mark of trying and I really don't want to go over that.

Disgruntled Teen and Dismounted Motor Mounts

This weekend I was reminded [again] that life doesn't seem to go the way you plan. As someone that loves order and plans, it really throws me off balance when things don't go according to plan. My husband and I took off this past Friday. At first, we were supposed to be traveling to see some friend but after having some dental work and unexpected car trouble we found our bank account a little empty. Instead of going out of town we decided to stay here and work on some project around the house (we have had money in savings for some house repairs and we needed to finally get started). So after sending T off to school Friday morning we got started. Here is the list we put together to accomplish this weekend

-Get one of the cars looked out because it had an oil leak
-Put in two post and repair two sections of our fences that had been damaged after one of our winter storms
-Replace all of our gutters
-Being to layout our landscaping plan for the front yard
-Get our fireplace up and working
-Get estimates on fixing the shower tiles that are broken (I accidently broken them when scrubbing our grout too hard)
-Take T out to kick off his spring break
-Compile a list of things that T could do around the house to make money over spring break
-Complete our grocery shopping and prep meals for the next week


Now here is what we ended up completing this weekend:

-One post and one section of fence is repaired
-3/4 of our fireplace is fixed
-Oil leak is fixed
-Second car has major repairs completed
-Ground T for the weekend for being disrespectful


As you can see, things didn't go as plan. First of all, our soil is littered with rock so digging out the cement for our new post took twice as long as we anticipated. Also, we were unable to borrow my brother-in-laws truck this weekend so we were limited on what we could buy, which is why no landscaping or gutters got done. Secondly, the fireplace company was two hours late for our appointment and didn't have all the parts. They said they would come back this weekend to finish but we never heard from them. I am now waiting on a phone call back. Thirdly, while sitting in the Starbuck drive through on Saturday morning I heard a large crack followed by my car shuddering, reviving up and down and trying to day. By the end of the day we had to get a new engine coil, new spark plugs, new battery cables and our motor mount replaced. Lastly, T was very disrespectful while trying to have a conversation about some comments his teacher made about him being lazy in school and not paying attention. This earned him a two day grounding with no phone and no computer.

To say the least it has been a very weird and exhausting weekend. I think this week may call for extra coffee. Also, with all the unexpected expenses it seems that the time has come for either me or my husband to find some part time work to replenish our savings account. That is something I really am not looking forward too.

I will say this to end. I did get to spend lots of time with the hubster this weekend. It’s always nice to get some quality time in even if it means you are working on a project or solving a problem.