Disbelief

I think I am still in the disbelieve mode of pregnancy. I can't fathom that I am going to have a baby, let alone that I am pregnant. Besides a few things, nothing seems to have changed for me. I don't really have very many symptoms and they come and go frequently. I think every day I still check to make sure I am not bleeding. Each days seems to get a bit better but the fear of a miscarriage is strong and can sometime be consuming. I never thought that the first part of pregnancy would be so confusing and stressful. My entire life I thought I would feel joy and excitement but I can't seem to manage those feelings often. Instead I am left feelings of fear, disbelief and confusion.

I think these feeling have also lead me to know really tell many people. I get excited sometime and want to blurt it out but then I don't. I fear if I say it out loud it will end. That as soon as the world knows it will decided to play a cosmic joke and I will lose the baby. So I don't say anything. So far the only person in either of our families that know is one of my sisters. Besides that I have two friends, a co-worker and M's boss that know. Everyone else is in the dark. I hope that after my next appointment in October I will feel more comfortable sharing our news.

So my questions is: Is this normal? If so, I was not prepared. I hope that as the weeks continue I begin to feel more joy and stability.

Our little nugget!

So here it is, our little nugget! We had our first ultrasound on Friday. I was so nervous the day before and the morning of. I was so thankful that our appointment was at 9:00am otherwise I would have been a wreck. I feared that the baby wouldn't be there or that there was something wrong but everything was fine. As soon as he started the ultrasound I could see the baby. It was so small but I knew it was there. Then he showed us the heartbeat, it was strong. We didn't get to hear it but I assumed we wouldn't, maybe next time.

The baby is measuring a bit behind but we aren't surprised given I ovulated later. My estimated due date is May 12th but that could always change in the future so right now we are saying mid-may. We are so excited now but terrified. We are really going to be parents and that really freaks us out. We wish we were more financially prepared but I think everyone does so we will move forward. We have told a few people but very few. We are waiting to tell most people after the first trimester which would be first part of November but we have thought about making the announcement on Halloween. For now, we need to figure out when to tell our families and when to tell my boss.

So far I have had no real symptoms. I have been a bit tired and hungry but there has been no morning sickness or food aversions. I am thankful for that but sometimes I think they would help reassure me. My other fear (which I know many people will think is irrational) is that I will gain too much weight. I have seen so many women do that and have trouble getting it off. I have never been a small girl but worked hard the last few years to get weight off and keep it off, so I hope I can do well with the baby.

Until next time, here's a picture of our little nugget.

24 hours

I have 24 hours left until my first doctors appointment. This is where we should confirm our pregnancy. I have taken countless test all being positive since my first one on September 1 but it's still hard to wrap my head around. However, since Tuesday I have been nothing but concerned. I took my last digital weeks estimator test but I didn't get the results I was hoping for. If you know anything about these test they are suppose to read HCG levels and estimate how far along you are since conception. When I took the first one it said 1-2 weeks. Then one week later I took a second one and it read 2-3 week. Therefore, on Tuesday I took my third and final one. I expected that it would say 3+ weeks because I was over 6 weeks along. However, it still ready 2-3 weeks. This is when the dread set it. Now, I know those test are not always accurate. Many things can change the results from if you have diluted urine, or not being exactly 6 weeks along. However, all I can think is that there is something wrong with the baby. That my levels aren't rising enough. Of course, it would be more logical to think that I ovulated a bit late and have my dates off but what rational person would really think that?

Therefore, all day Tuesday I just kept checking to make sure I wasn't bleeding or my symptoms didn't change. Everything seemed fine. Yesterday, I was too busy to really think about it. However, today I feel like I am in an downward spiral of anxiety and dread. I didn't have very many symptoms yesterday, my boobs seems smaller today, I am not as tired as I have been... All these questions keep filling my mind. It's only 9:00am and I can't concentrate as I am consumed with fear. Maybe this is how many women feel before their appointments. Logically, you could argue that a women can start preparing herself for bad news at her first appointment as a defense mechanism. I have already not allowed myself to get too excited about being pregnant. The first week or two I read books, blogs, etc. However, this week I haven't read anything. I refuse to allow myself to get preoccupied anymore until I know for sure.

It this what is really going on? Am I just putting up walls for fear of tomorrow or is my instincts kicking in telling me there is something wrong? I won't know until tomorrow but I feel I will be cursed to worry and stress for the next 24 hours.

A new kind of waiting

I know it's been a while since I wrote on here but it's been a bit crazy since the last time I was on here. Remember how I told you I was in my two week wait? Well, it was a pretty uneventful two weeks. I tested four days before my period, nothing. I tested 3 days before my period, nothing. I tested 2 day before my period, nothing. So I went along with my life. That weekend we built a fence. It was hard work. We lugged around 170 fence post, ten 80-lb bags of cement and dug 10 post holes. I got to use a nail gun and in the end we ended up having a pretty good looking fence. All weekend I waited for my period to start so I could have a beer but Sunday passed and nothing. So Monday (which happened to be Labor Day) approached and still nothing. I woke up about 6:30 that morning to go to the bathroom and decided that should take a test just in case and it's best with my first morning urine. I fumbled around for a test and took it. As I sat there half asleep starting at the test I realized something. Two lines were coming up. Wait, what?! Two lines. What does that mean? I sat there dumbfounded and confused for a while. It meant I AM PREGNANT! It's not possible. I sat there in shock, crying. It happened but how. My test were negative days before how is it so positive now (it wasn't a light line). So what did I do next?

I went back to bed, tapped M on the shoulder and when he rolled over I told him I thought I was pregnant. He kissed me and went back to bed. So did I. I woke up two hours later and took two more cheapie internet test. Both faint but positive. Then I sat on the bed as M got up to go to the restroom. I waiting for him to see the test on the back on the toilet. When he came out I asked him if he remembered what I told him. He said "yep, you're pregnant".

That was it, my big reveal. I somehow always manage to ruin the big moments in our lives. Later that day I took a test that was digital and it said pregnant!

Now I have a new kind of waiting. I have to wait until September 19 for my first appointment to confirm pregnancy and have an ultrasound. I can't believe I have to wait so long but because I am young and never had a problem before it's standard. So for that last week I have taken a few more test to be sure but they are all still positive. I may really be pregnant. I don't think M or I are letting ourselves get excited until our doctors appointment but this might really be happening.

Now we just have to figure out when and how to tell our friends and family. We don't want to be alone in this but we don't want to tell anyone until we are sure we are. So until then, I will tell you- the internet world and my one follower, whoever you are. After 17 months I am finally PREGNANT!