Confidence, where did you go?

I used to never suffer from a lack of confidence. While growing up and through my college years I had always been a confident person. I was the one everyone looked too, the one that took on whatever came my way and never blinked at a challenge but all that changed when I left college and started my first real job. For the first year, I was confident, outspoken and took on many challenges. With my abundance of confidence, my ability to learn and adapt quickly and my drive I was promoted to regional manager before the second part of my second year. I was ecstatic. Here I was right out of college and was already a manager. People had confidence in me and I had always thought I was special. I always thought I would make something big of myself and this promotion played into my confidence. However, my new promotion didn't go as I planned. Quickly, I was responsible for 15 employees many of which I was responsible to hire and all of which were right out of college. Looking back now, I see the difficulty for anyone who is in the same age group to lead a large group. Automatically, my employees didn't respect me because of my age and lack of experience but more importantly they didn't respect me because honestly I wasn't a good manager. I was bossy, arrogant and micromanaged. I tried to be different but once I realized I needed to change it was too late. I probably could have turned it around and made a big difference except for two things.

First, I didn't have a very supportive supervisor. I never felt she was on my side, I knew at every chance she would throw me under the bus to protect herself. She was never on my side and never backed me up. But I think the reason it never worked out was because early on she wrote me up for something I didn't do and started to blame all the problems of the region on me. She sent me to management training to learn to "work with people better". She ultimately had torn down my confidence instead of building it up. From that point forward, I never regained my step. How could I get my team to have confidence in the direction we were going if my supervisor didn't trust me and I didn't trust me. My earth was shattered. I stayed for over a year trying to make it work but I was miserable, stressed, working 14 hours days to try and make it better. But it all came down to not believing I could make a different. I had realized I wasn't special. I wasn't something big and that I was a failure. It was the first time in my life I had ever really failed at anything. It shattered me. After three years with the organization I was fortunate enough to find a job in my town (did I mention while going through all this I was commuting an hour each way, every day). I used the excuse of the distance to leave but I really left because I didn't want to be with an organization that didn't support or trust me and because I didn't believe I could make a different or be good there.

It's been two year and I still am dealing with the fallout. I am confident in my everyday life. I can do my everyday task at my new job but I am terrified to take a step forward. I don't know if I could take another leadership role if offered. My fear of failure and lack confidence holds me back from opportunities, from starting graduate school, and from taking challenges. I truly feel that I am not worthy of being someone important even though I desire it. I have not applied for positions that people suggest because I am afraid to change and to fail again. I can do this job and do it well but there is not much room for growth here. I can learn from my co-workers-they are supportive and encouraging, but in terms of earning more money, taking on more responsibilities there is not much opportunity for me. I am not ready to leave this organization because I know I am not done learning from everyone but I fear when I hit that point I will not leave because of the lack of confidence in myself.

As I sit here and type this I truly understand how hard it is to build self-confidence back up. Are there steps you have to take or is it just a gradual healing of yourself that will help? I hope one day to find out so I don't limit myself or my family.

Mini Vacation

Today is my first day back after taking a mini vacation with M this weekend. It was fantastic to get away just the two of us for a few days. It was one of those vacation that seemed like it was forever long, which is what we needed. It all started on Friday when we left work early for M's appointment with a urologist. We had previously decided that we would start our vacation right after his appointment in Tulsa. So we booked a room in Tulsa for Friday night. All we had to do was get through the appointment. The appointment itself only took about 2 hours but it was an extremely awkward 2 hours. First, we were 5 minutes late because we went to the wrong place. Then M wanted me to come in the room with him to explain his last test because I can remember these things better. So I agreed and went in. Wrong choice. Now I was glad to be able to help explain what was going on but I was not excited when the doctor decided to have M drop his pants for an examine. I couldn't look. I didn't want to look while this was happening. The exam was the longest 10 minutes of my life so far. I just stared at an opposite wall. Then the doctor decided we needed to have an ultrasound done of M's privates (I didn't know they did that) and another semen analysis. Thankfully, the techs were still onsite and we were able to do the ultrasound on Friday (I didn't have to be a part of that) but they place to do the other test was closed. We were able to make another appointment for this week but that means there will be a certain part of abstinence on our vacation. That was a bummer. So after two hours of awkwardness we were ready for vacation.

Over the next two and a half days were enjoyed going to a movie, shopping at the outlet mall, seeing Bricktown in Oklahoma City, going to the OKC Zoo, hitting a few museums, swimming and most importantly spending time together. We spent so much time laughing and talking. We did great at trying not to be on our phones all weekend and really focusing on ourselves. It's hard to take a technology break when you are so used to using it to communicate all the time but I am glad we found a way to unplug. I think we really needed this. Life has been crazy since T moved in and I think we needed to feel a bit normal.

Now that we are back, we have already have been thrust back into the real world. My first day back to work will be a 12 hour day. T got a letter saying that he didn't pass his end of year exam for English and will need to retake them this summer. That was not a fun conversation. T doesn't take bad news well and he likes to blame other people. Things have already been crazy but at least I can look back and be thankful for a few days of peace. M will have his other test this week and hopefully be next week we will have some answers. T will finish summer school next week and will get a bit of a summer before needing to go back in and take his exams and then start his technical classes.

Doctors Appointmnet

Today M and I will visit a Urologist to discuss M's semen analysis and how we can move forward. The biggest part of today is to make sure there is not a serious health problem with M which caused poor results. Once that is ruled out we can then move forward with what to do to increase our chances of having a baby. I am sure it is nerve wracking for M but I am a bit of a mess today too. First, I don't want anything to be wrong with M. Secondly, I am afraid of what they may say. On one hand I am ready to get answers to way we are having so much trouble and what we can do about it but I am nervous because I am a worst case scenario type of person. I don't want my dreams crushed and I don't know how well I will handle news that it will be tough to conceive (any more than we know it will be). Lastly, I am nervous because I don't want M to get stressed out or feel bad. I know how much of a toll it takes on me knowing that I am broken and I am one reason we can't have a baby. I know it makes me question how “womanly” I am because that is what my body was made to do. I am sure my feminist friends out there are cringing and that last statement but for me it's personally true. So I can only imagine how it could make M feel and how it could shake his confidence.

If you get a moment say a prayer for us or send us positive thoughts (or money since these tests are expensive)!

Time to get away

I think it is time for me and M to get away together. It has been a crazy year and I feel like we have had no time together. We only have 4 days together but I think we have decided to try and find a way to get away. We may just go somewhere that is just a few hour drive but it will be worth it. The hard part is just deciding where to go. We are on a limited budget so that will put a hamper on a lot of things but I think just getting away and trying to relax will be worth it. We will get off early on Friday and won't have to return until Wednesday morning. Now we just have to get through the next couple days without going stir crazy!

Messy lives

When I was younger I used to always hear people talk about how life got so messy when you were older. I have always understood the concept since my life has always seemed to be a bit complicated and messy. However, it wasn't until I had the opportunity to hang out with two of my best friends this weekend that I realized how true that is. As each year passes it seem all of our life’s get more complicated. Marriages hit rough spots, relationships end, new possibilities bloom and uncertainty sets in. I had a great time this weekend seeing my friend. She is currently in Chicago for an internship (which is amazing). Her life is so full of possibilities and seems to just be starting but at the same time her relationship with her boyfriend of three years seems to be ending. My other friend we were with seems to be having a lot of difficulty in her life as well. Things are just so messy right now. Our entire weekend was filled to the brim with all sorts of emotions from laughter, to anger, to disappointment to sadness (this had a lot to do with the movie The Fault in Our Stars that we saw). It just made me realize even though deep down I have always known that my life isn't the only one that is messy, spinning out of control at various moments and filled with unhappiness. This is something that happens in all our lives, it just seems to increase as we get older.

I am thankful for my weekend with my friend because it allowed me to relax. I didn't talk with them about what was going on in my life too much. They know some of it and I am sure they are tired of hearing it but if truly helped to see that it's all of us and that no matter what we are all there for each other.

I love weekends with my friends! In fact, I think I may splurge and fly to Chicago and see my friend there before she leaves. We only live once, right?

If I didn't know better...

I would think I was pregnant. This week I have been extremely tired and hungry. There have been multiple days where it was hard to get out of bed, keep my eyes open throughout the day and by 8:00pm I am ready for bed. On top of that every day I have been extremely hungry. I thought I had done well this week eating healthy items when I was hungry but that wasn't the case when I stepped on the scale this week. Even though I didn't go over my points on weight watchers I gained about half a pound. This is disappointing because I was so close to getting to my next goal. I swear this last 12 pounds or so is never going to come off. Then I have noticed this week that my back hurts, I have had increased head aches and heart burn. However, I know I am not pregnant. It's not possible with M's problems and me not being on medication but it seems like all the signs would point that direction. That is one thing I hate about wanting a baby so bad, you can turn everything into a symptom. I will say that it would be a neat miracle if I was so I could surprise M on his birthday next week which happens to be on Father's Day. However, the chances of that is like 1:1,000,000. For now, I will just deal with all of this weirdness my body is putting upon me which today is a severe stomach age. All I want to do is take a nap.

On a lighter night, I am excited to see my friend this weekend. She is flying in from Chicago for quick trip. I just hope my body decides to get its act together so I feel better.

Does this baby make me look fat?

I stumbled across this short video series the other day. M and I watched them and had two thoughts. First, this is really what TTC is like and secondly, this is hilarious. We loved being able to joke about some of the things that have happened over the past 15 months while trying to have a baby. At this point, we needed some laughter as our lives are crazy and trying to have a baby has become more difficult. So, if you really want to know what it's like and need a laugh watch these videos.

http://youtu.be/yf7kmO2Mi9c

Ew, Are you crying?

If you knew me personally you may know I don't do well with emotions. Over the past few years, I have become more comfortable with emotions especially since the man I fell in love with is an emotional guy. However, being emotional and vulnerable is a challenge for me. I find myself much more emotional as I get older but I think that is because I have tried to practice more sympathy and empathy towards others. No matter how much I try I am not sure that I will ever be comfortable with crying nor with someone that is too emotional. I can see the point of emotions but I find them to often be pointless and unhelpful. When you are emotional its hard to handle a situation with logic. When you are emotional conversations seem to be less constructive and are more prone to misunderstandings. But you can't hide emotions. They seep out of everyone's (just some of us seem to ooze with emotions).

I say all this because if you knew me at all you would already know these things about me. So why is it that my mother doesn't? Today, she called all crying wanting to sit down one day and really talk about our past, to be able to tell me she is sorry and how much she loves me. It is a nice gesture but it really is only to make herself feel better. It doesn't make me feel better in fact it would be extremely uncomfortable and stressful for me. It's not going to change our relationship because "hashing things out" doesn't really work for me. It's not about the words but about the actions of trying to change. She doesn't get that. She doesn't understand that our relationship isn't necessarily strained because of our past but because of the decisions that she continues to make now. It's frustrating.

I would like to say that I handled the situation well but I didn't. Instead, I tried to remind that I was not emotional and I rushed off the phone as quickly as possible. It's awful but she started crying on the phone and all I could think of was "eck, emotions. Are you really crying right now?". It know its terrible and I know that somehow we need to find a way to fix our relationship since she may be here a while but at this point I am not sure how to do that and if I even really want too.