Again with the waiting

Well we are now waiting again. I finally got a call back from all our doctors. M is cleared to continue to try and have a baby. He is on the "borderline" side of having a low count and everything but they feel if we do anything that we would actually make it worst than better. So until he falls on the other side of the line we are to move forward. I had all the paperwork sent to my doctors and after two weeks finally heard back. We are moving forward with my testing. So I have to wait to see if my period shows up. I know it won't but I have to wait till the end of the month to see. Then I have to take 10 days worth of pills to start it (which it won't start till about 14 days after the pills). On my first day I have to call to schedule the testing which will happen about a week and a half after starting. So what does that mean? I have to wait almost a month before the test and then afterwards we will have to wait for the results to know when we start trying again! It frustrating because this makes a four month break from everything. I am beginning to think I will not be pregnant until next year.

Will this ever happen?

On top of that, our insurance doesn't cover any of this so M's test cost us $850 and mine will cost us $1,000. I guess I'll be working at Kmart forever.

Gut Feeling

Have you ever had one of those gut feeling where you know something it about to happen. I have had one of those for the past couple of days. In the back of my mind I have this little voice that keeps telling me something is about to change. I don't know what it is but it doesn't feel like it going to be good. I hate to be pessimistic but it's just one of those gut feelings. I don't think the change will necessarily be bad but different. It's going to make our life crazier that it is now. I just sense that by the end of this year, something major will be different with our lives.

At first, I thought I had this gut feeling because so many things are changing in my friend’s lives. I have one friend that is having some marital problems. I have one friend that is looking at maybe landing her dream job and moving to Chicago to finish her degree and work. I have another friend that is purchasing a new car, looking at buying a new house and starting a family. Lastly, I have a friend that has a husband working on getting sober. It's all changing. Everyone's life seems to be in a new rotation and I have a feeling ours will be too soon. Maybe I am wrong, maybe our rotation has already change with my brother coming to live with us but there is still the sinking feeling that it’s not done changing. Oh how I wish it was changing because we got pregnant but I don't think that is it.

I guess all I can do it wait to see if my gut feeling it right or if I am just playing this up in my head.

Everything is fine

That's what the urologist told us after three weeks of waiting for M's test results. It was discovered that M has Varicolele but that after the other test he didn't feel that there was any reason for surgery unless M developed pain. M's had a new SA done and his count was normal and the morphology was normal. I am confused by these because his first SA was terrible and secondly both doctors have told us different numbers were normal. So the urologist said he didn’t feel we needed to do any more than "just keep trying and be patient". So we wait again. This time we wait for my doctor to call back and tell me what the plan is now that M has been cleared. It's frustrating because we have now been on hold from trying for about three months but at least we have one thing checked off the list (even though it cost us about $750). Hopefully, my doctor will have good news and we can start trying again. Maybe if we are lucky we can be pregnant by the end of the year otherwise I have a feeling we will be referred to the fertility clinic an hour away. I am really hoping to avoid that.

Bitter

Sometimes in life, even when you try your hardest, you find yourself bitter. I think that is me for the last couple of weeks. Lately, all I can think about is how I have "checked all the boxes" in my life and yet life still somehow doesn't give me the things I want. I did my do diligence. I graduated college; I got married; I have a job and work hard; I bought a house; we waited a few years after marriage before trying for children; I make every effort not to get myself into a lot of debt and be responsible; I volunteer, and I do my best to be a good person. Yet, with all that I am still left with a crazy life.

I don't want a crazy life. I want to put in all the hard work and dedication and get out what I expect.

I want to a baby.

I want to have a good career.

I want to go back to school.

I want to have a little financial freedom to go on dates each month.

I want to be out of debt.

But no matter how hard I work, I can't seem to reach these goals as life continues to throw needless, crazy situation at us. It seems so unfair.

I see people getting new cars, buy new things, getting promotions, graduating with their Masters and having babies. But not me, no matter how hard I try it's not me. Instead, I am a caregiver to my brother and my mother who take all my extra effort, time and money. I work two jobs to keep up and M does all the house work, errands and running around. I am lucky to get one night alone with my husband and even luckier to be able to afford a date night every couple of month.

So yes, I am bitter. At least for now.