Jealousy? Disappointment? Anger? Depression? Reality? I don't know what to call the mood I am in today. I always find it funny how just a few small things like a phone call and a picture can totally change my mood and outlook. Usually, I try and have a positive outlook. I try and remind myself that this is just a bad day and not a bad life but someday it doesn't feel like that. Some days I want to cry, yell and throw things. Why? Because sometimes my life sometimes seems unfair. I know it's not that bad. I know that people our there have it worse and my life could always be worse but sometimes you just have to say what you feel. Sometimes you just have to put it out in the universe to feel better. So here it is:
MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE NORMAL.
I do not have a normal life. I don't have a supportive mother, one that I can call on when there is a problem. I can talk to her about some things but she (at this time) doesn't have the capacity to be the mother I want. The one to help me problem solve, to cry with, to be the voice of reason or to bail me out of situations. I don't have a father to turn. The closest I ever had died a few years back. The only other men that could call themselves my father is either in prison or doesn't want anything to do with me. My grandparents are supportive but I feel at this time they need more support from me than they can give to me. My husband's family is great but I don't feel close enough to rely on them like I would with my family (maybe I will one day). I have my sisters but sometimes I don't think they understand or they have already been in my situation so they lack sympathy.
I don't have a normal life. Instead of enjoying just being husband and wife before we have our own children we live with a teenager. I love my brother but it is very difficult to be in the crash course in parenthood to a person that is almost an adult and has their own values. All we can really do is encourage him to make good decision but molding him to believe certain things or instilling values in him has passed. We can do our best but is is already grown and really just needs encouragement and a place to live until he can get on his own. It's hard balancing being a sister and being an authority figure.
I don't have a normal life. I can't have a baby easily. No matter how much I chart, check symptoms, keep my weight in check, have sex or pray getting pregnant seems like a dream. I can't easily achieve a family like my friends. I am not the one in the Facebook picture this morning holding their newborn. My husband and I are not the ones counting down the days till our new child or decorating a nursery like friends of ours. We keep trying and we wait but each month that passes gets harder and make that dream seem much more out of reach. How long do we continue on this path? When do we stop and explore adoption? Will we ever be able to afford something like that?
I don't have a normal life. Instead of being able to save money for the things we want or save money for a 5th year anniversary trip to have a real honeymoon we are spending our money of the needs of a teenager. Saving for his football gear, a new car so we can give him an old one, for his college, for his birthday and to make sure we have enough for emergencies if something happens. I know many people do this. Saving is responsible and I have always been a fan of it but the restriction of splurging occasionally feels suffocating. There is no wiggle room. Everything decision we make with money or with our life now affects a teenager. I know this is true for when you have your own children but it seems harder when the responsibly are thrust on you instead of a choice to have the child.
I don't have a normal life. I probably never will. It seems that we will have spells of normalcy but we will never live life as we expected. I will always have to take care of my mom. I will always have to be a parent figure to my brother because my mom isn't a great role model. I will always have to take care of those in my family that need it. It's not fair. It's not easy but it is my life. I am thankful for a husband that understands that. For a husband that chooses to stay with me in all the craziness. I hope he always will because I don't see an end to this craziness.
My life seems unfair, crazy and sometimes I want to run from it but it's my life. It's just today it's hard. It will be better tomorrow it always is but today I just had to say it. I had to get it out so I can take one more step. One day my hope is all the sacrifices we have made for others will come back and bless us.
.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Life beyond college
Life after college is not what you think it is even years later. For some reason when we are in college we expect work hard, have fun, graduate and then walk into a wonderful career. That is not what happens. I don't recall any of my professors ever telling me it was going to be like that. Maybe I conjured the idea from the many, many movies I have watched over my lifetime.
What really happens is pure chaos. If you are one of the lucky few you will leave college and be able to secure a job in your field of study within a couple of weeks if not before you leave (fortunately that was me). However, the majority of college graduate take months applying for jobs, working minimum wage jobs waiting for a call back and interview. This goes on for what seems like an eternity. I watched many friends go through this and at least half of them found a job but not within their field of study. When we graduated in 2009 it was ugly, I would hate to be any graduate after ours because I can only imagine how much worse it is. But this post really isn't about finding a job after college. It more about all of the realizations you have after college. So here is a list of 10 things I have realized since graduating college and entering the workforce.
1. Taking out students loans is stupid. I wish I would have had the knowledge I do know to take out less student loans or find other ways to pay for school. After leaving college I was billed at $600 a month to pay my loans. Thankfully, I got married right after college so together we were able to make those payments but if I had been alone that may not have been the case. We have been able to put extra towards my loans so our monthly payment is less now, but it still outrageous.
2. I have a passion for more than just people. I went to school and got a psychology degree but now after being in the work field I realize I also have a passion for business, organization, planning and strategic plans. If I had taken the time to figure that out in college instead of picking a path and never straying I would have most likely gotten a different degree which would have set me up for more opportunities now. Instead, I will need to go back in order to progress in the field I now know I want to be in.
3. Making new friends outside of college is hard. It's hard to stick up a conversation and get to know someone in a situation that isn't a dorm room or class. Sure you think you will just be friends with your co-workers and go out for drinks after work. Maybe but most likely you will have to try and break into the inner circle of co-worker which could take months and that it if everyone stays and doesn't move onto a new job. Then finding people to meet is hard. I don't like to walk up to people at the gym or Starbucks and just try and have a conversation. Where do you meet people?!
4. Keeping friends from college is much harder than you think. It's like high school all over again. You think it will be different because you’re 'older and more mature' but it's not. You lose touch with most of your friends quickly and are only able to maintain a small handful of them because most people move after college. I am lucky to still have a few of my college friends around and have been able to maintain some long distance relationships but the notion that you will just hop on a plane because you will have a 'real job' and see your friends isn't really an option when you realize everything is really expensive.
5. Everything is expensive. I never knew how much it would cost to buy a new couch or new bed! When we were getting ready to move into a house together me and H wanted to get some new furniture together. We thought we could go into a furniture store and come out with a complete living room set for about $1,000. We were so wrong. Just for a decent couch you are looking to pay that. Then if you want a new bedroom set you better sell a kidney.
6. Your late nights of partying is pretty much over. You may party on the weekends (even though I bet after a while that doesn't happen every weekend)--maybe even a weeknight here or there. But for the most part you spend your weeknights at home watching tv. You may grab dinner with some girlfriends or catch a show but most nights you will be in bed by 10 or 11 so you can get up early for the gym, work, or whatever. You soon will find that you have a bedtime and you don't like to break it.
7. Advancing in your career is hard and will take years. I think in the back of everyone's minds they are a secret superstar and assume that they will advance up the career later quickly and will make money quickly. That is not true. Most people will spend years in the same position to finally get a promotion or move jobs. It's hard work. I am hoping by the time I am in my late 30's to feel like I am finally making progress in my career.
8. Taxes are stupid. That's all I will say there.
9. I will never retire. I mean how am I supposed to start saving for retirement when I don't make money. Well, I make money but not really enough to start an IRA or 401K and contribute to it. It's frustrating.
10. The old adage that a young person will have 10 jobs before they are 40 may be pretty true. I am not talking about part time jobs but full time jobs after college. I see young people always sailing away to another company in order to make more money or have more opportunity. I can see the merit in needing to move jobs for these reasons but I also wonder how much we miss out on when we don't say a place for at least 4 years. Do we every really have the opportunity to learn from our co-workers or organization if we leave every two years?
What really happens is pure chaos. If you are one of the lucky few you will leave college and be able to secure a job in your field of study within a couple of weeks if not before you leave (fortunately that was me). However, the majority of college graduate take months applying for jobs, working minimum wage jobs waiting for a call back and interview. This goes on for what seems like an eternity. I watched many friends go through this and at least half of them found a job but not within their field of study. When we graduated in 2009 it was ugly, I would hate to be any graduate after ours because I can only imagine how much worse it is. But this post really isn't about finding a job after college. It more about all of the realizations you have after college. So here is a list of 10 things I have realized since graduating college and entering the workforce.
1. Taking out students loans is stupid. I wish I would have had the knowledge I do know to take out less student loans or find other ways to pay for school. After leaving college I was billed at $600 a month to pay my loans. Thankfully, I got married right after college so together we were able to make those payments but if I had been alone that may not have been the case. We have been able to put extra towards my loans so our monthly payment is less now, but it still outrageous.
2. I have a passion for more than just people. I went to school and got a psychology degree but now after being in the work field I realize I also have a passion for business, organization, planning and strategic plans. If I had taken the time to figure that out in college instead of picking a path and never straying I would have most likely gotten a different degree which would have set me up for more opportunities now. Instead, I will need to go back in order to progress in the field I now know I want to be in.
3. Making new friends outside of college is hard. It's hard to stick up a conversation and get to know someone in a situation that isn't a dorm room or class. Sure you think you will just be friends with your co-workers and go out for drinks after work. Maybe but most likely you will have to try and break into the inner circle of co-worker which could take months and that it if everyone stays and doesn't move onto a new job. Then finding people to meet is hard. I don't like to walk up to people at the gym or Starbucks and just try and have a conversation. Where do you meet people?!
4. Keeping friends from college is much harder than you think. It's like high school all over again. You think it will be different because you’re 'older and more mature' but it's not. You lose touch with most of your friends quickly and are only able to maintain a small handful of them because most people move after college. I am lucky to still have a few of my college friends around and have been able to maintain some long distance relationships but the notion that you will just hop on a plane because you will have a 'real job' and see your friends isn't really an option when you realize everything is really expensive.
5. Everything is expensive. I never knew how much it would cost to buy a new couch or new bed! When we were getting ready to move into a house together me and H wanted to get some new furniture together. We thought we could go into a furniture store and come out with a complete living room set for about $1,000. We were so wrong. Just for a decent couch you are looking to pay that. Then if you want a new bedroom set you better sell a kidney.
6. Your late nights of partying is pretty much over. You may party on the weekends (even though I bet after a while that doesn't happen every weekend)--maybe even a weeknight here or there. But for the most part you spend your weeknights at home watching tv. You may grab dinner with some girlfriends or catch a show but most nights you will be in bed by 10 or 11 so you can get up early for the gym, work, or whatever. You soon will find that you have a bedtime and you don't like to break it.
7. Advancing in your career is hard and will take years. I think in the back of everyone's minds they are a secret superstar and assume that they will advance up the career later quickly and will make money quickly. That is not true. Most people will spend years in the same position to finally get a promotion or move jobs. It's hard work. I am hoping by the time I am in my late 30's to feel like I am finally making progress in my career.
8. Taxes are stupid. That's all I will say there.
9. I will never retire. I mean how am I supposed to start saving for retirement when I don't make money. Well, I make money but not really enough to start an IRA or 401K and contribute to it. It's frustrating.
10. The old adage that a young person will have 10 jobs before they are 40 may be pretty true. I am not talking about part time jobs but full time jobs after college. I see young people always sailing away to another company in order to make more money or have more opportunity. I can see the merit in needing to move jobs for these reasons but I also wonder how much we miss out on when we don't say a place for at least 4 years. Do we every really have the opportunity to learn from our co-workers or organization if we leave every two years?
Monday, January 27, 2014
Inpatient
The last couple of days have been extremely stressful and interesting. It seems that my life doesn't really slow down or stay normal for long. If it's not one thing it's another and this weekend it all revolved around my mother. On Friday evening I admitted her to a 21 day treatment facility for an eating disorder and depression. This was a strange experience for two reasons. First, for most of my life my mother has had a problem with food but it has usually always been overeating. For as long as I can remember my mother was severely obese. In fact, most of us children have been or still are overweight. I know that being overweight in my adulthood stems from my own choices but I do believe that bad habits were instilled in me as a young child from my mother’s bad eating habits. When we were younger we never really ate fruits or veggies. We mainly ate fast food, fried food and processed food. I know that this is mainly because they were less expensive meaning we could afford them but still it didn't prepare me for learning to eat well. Up until two years ago I weighted over 200 pounds myself and I am under 30. However, two years ago I decided I had to make a change and have been on a path of losing weight and eating well since. I have lost over 50 pounds but still have about 20 pounds to go. It's a long, grueling road but I will make it.
Oops, I got off track let's get back to my point. My mother was always overweight and constantly ate. However, about a year ago she decided she needed a change at got a gastric bypass. I was surprise she made it through the screening process but she did. Fast forward to know. She still has a complex with food but now to the other extreme. She doesn't eat. She is underweight. She can't keep her blood sugar stable and often faints for lack of food. I have caught her many times chewing her food and spiting it out so she can taste it but not get the calories. It wasn't until about two weeks ago when she fainted and almost broke her knee that I realized she needed more help that the traditional counseling she was receiving bringing us to Friday night when I drove her an hour away to check her into a center. She agreed she needed help but still it was strange because I have known her more of my life as the overeater not the under eater.
The second reason it was strange is because I was checking her in. Now, I am familiar with my mother being in a treatment center. This has happened a few times in my life but this is the first time I have ever had to check her in. Typically I just hear about her being admitted and either just call to check in (if she lives far away) or would go see her. This is the first time I have had to deal with the paperwork, the doctors, the glances from the staff, and the stress of having to get everything together to be approved to be admitted and then have to rush to get her admitted before the weekend. They offered to let us wait till Monday, but I know if we did she would back out. So Friday was filled with getting a power of attorney, doctor referrals, organizing bills and more just to check her in.
Next, I had to spend an hour in the car with my mother trying to keep her calm as we head there. It was difficult because she was nervous which is understandable. Upon, arriving we had to wait to be checked in and then go through an hour long session of questions and medications before we could officially sign her in and get her a bed. It was weird being in charge of all this. Of speaking up for my mother and making sure the doctors know what is going on. It was weird pointing out her problems to a person while she is sitting there. Even though this is what she needs and they need to know what is going on it felt like betraying her. It was odd.
I think what made it worse was when I left. I got in my car and drove home. It was a long hour of having to call people to let them know what was going on and why they wouldn't be able to reach her. But what was most frustrating was the lack of support and sympathy from my sisters. Especially my closest sister who I thought would understand and odd it was for me and how stressful it was but instead she just kind of shrugged it off. After a day of preparing and the stress of it all she didn't seem to care. It was so frustrating and sad because I felt alone. My husband was supportive but he wasn't with me because he was home with T. I needed my sisters to understand but no one did. No one cared what it was like for me but instead just shrugged off the experience like "just another day with mom".
So there it is. My mom is inpatient right now receiving help. I am proud of her for being willing but am frustrated because it's a long 21 days not just for her but for me, my husband and T. We have to deal with the incoming calls from doctors, from her wanting to come home. We have to deal with the awkward visitations on the weekend. We have to watch her yappy, annoying dog that my husband despises for 21 days. All to pick her up and have to work hard when she gets home to help her continue to recover to make sure she doesn’t relapse and is moving forward. It's exhausting and I wish my sisters would understand that.
On a side note, this weekend T spent the night with a friend and they woke up to a gas leak at the house and gas poisoning. So we spent Sunday worried about him and watching over him. He seems good today but it was another thing that made this weekend extra stressful. I hope this next week is much less crazy but we will see. I am just starting my new fertility meds so there could be some interesting side effects with that.
Oops, I got off track let's get back to my point. My mother was always overweight and constantly ate. However, about a year ago she decided she needed a change at got a gastric bypass. I was surprise she made it through the screening process but she did. Fast forward to know. She still has a complex with food but now to the other extreme. She doesn't eat. She is underweight. She can't keep her blood sugar stable and often faints for lack of food. I have caught her many times chewing her food and spiting it out so she can taste it but not get the calories. It wasn't until about two weeks ago when she fainted and almost broke her knee that I realized she needed more help that the traditional counseling she was receiving bringing us to Friday night when I drove her an hour away to check her into a center. She agreed she needed help but still it was strange because I have known her more of my life as the overeater not the under eater.
The second reason it was strange is because I was checking her in. Now, I am familiar with my mother being in a treatment center. This has happened a few times in my life but this is the first time I have ever had to check her in. Typically I just hear about her being admitted and either just call to check in (if she lives far away) or would go see her. This is the first time I have had to deal with the paperwork, the doctors, the glances from the staff, and the stress of having to get everything together to be approved to be admitted and then have to rush to get her admitted before the weekend. They offered to let us wait till Monday, but I know if we did she would back out. So Friday was filled with getting a power of attorney, doctor referrals, organizing bills and more just to check her in.
Next, I had to spend an hour in the car with my mother trying to keep her calm as we head there. It was difficult because she was nervous which is understandable. Upon, arriving we had to wait to be checked in and then go through an hour long session of questions and medications before we could officially sign her in and get her a bed. It was weird being in charge of all this. Of speaking up for my mother and making sure the doctors know what is going on. It was weird pointing out her problems to a person while she is sitting there. Even though this is what she needs and they need to know what is going on it felt like betraying her. It was odd.
I think what made it worse was when I left. I got in my car and drove home. It was a long hour of having to call people to let them know what was going on and why they wouldn't be able to reach her. But what was most frustrating was the lack of support and sympathy from my sisters. Especially my closest sister who I thought would understand and odd it was for me and how stressful it was but instead she just kind of shrugged it off. After a day of preparing and the stress of it all she didn't seem to care. It was so frustrating and sad because I felt alone. My husband was supportive but he wasn't with me because he was home with T. I needed my sisters to understand but no one did. No one cared what it was like for me but instead just shrugged off the experience like "just another day with mom".
So there it is. My mom is inpatient right now receiving help. I am proud of her for being willing but am frustrated because it's a long 21 days not just for her but for me, my husband and T. We have to deal with the incoming calls from doctors, from her wanting to come home. We have to deal with the awkward visitations on the weekend. We have to watch her yappy, annoying dog that my husband despises for 21 days. All to pick her up and have to work hard when she gets home to help her continue to recover to make sure she doesn’t relapse and is moving forward. It's exhausting and I wish my sisters would understand that.
On a side note, this weekend T spent the night with a friend and they woke up to a gas leak at the house and gas poisoning. So we spent Sunday worried about him and watching over him. He seems good today but it was another thing that made this weekend extra stressful. I hope this next week is much less crazy but we will see. I am just starting my new fertility meds so there could be some interesting side effects with that.
Friday, January 24, 2014
The witch has finally shown her face
I never thought I would be so happy to see Aunt Flow this morning but I am. She has finally shown her ugly face after being over a month late. Well a month late if you count when it was supposed to start naturally she is 10 days late from when she was supposed to come with the medication. Maybe all my inner chanting (or better known as yelling) at her to come made her finally listen. So why am I happy about this? That's an easy one. Now I don't have to double the dosage of the progesterone (the medicine that start my period) which is wonderful because that medicine makes me miserable. The second reason I am happy is it means we can finally start the countdown to the fertility medicine and hope that this month I ovulate and get pregnant. I know it's a BIG if but at least we have a chance now. So even though I will probably be complaining for the next week about Aunt Flow deep down I will appreciate her presence. This leads me to a reoccurring thought I have had while waiting for her to show up-- women who have trouble with fertility have a very love hate relationship with Aunt Flow.
It can be the same with women that is afraid of being pregnant when not wanting to. We had the week of Aunt Flow but we love when she comes (we would love her more if she didn't come because we were pregnant but that isn't the case for most of us). For those women who don't get a visit from Aunt Flow naturally and have to convince her out with medication appreciate when she shows up. Mainly because it means something is working correctly and we don't have to change things but it can also mean we get another chance at getting pregnant. When you know you are not pregnant you have to wait for her to show up to give you the green light to start trying again but when she is stubborn things get dragged out. Its excruciating waiting for her knowing there is no other actions you can take till she comes. Not only are you disappointed that you aren't pregnant now you are also disappointed that you have to wait longer to try again. It's very unfair and rude of her!
So for the next few days I will be upset that she took so long to come and makes me feel miserable but I will be happy to know my wait is over and I can start my new wait soon the dreaded TWW (Two week wait). Which is worse because you are waiting to find out if the other parts of your body have betrayed you or not. Have my ovaries decided to give me an egg or do we get to start this process over? Only time will tell until then give me a heating pad, some ice cream and a good movie.
It can be the same with women that is afraid of being pregnant when not wanting to. We had the week of Aunt Flow but we love when she comes (we would love her more if she didn't come because we were pregnant but that isn't the case for most of us). For those women who don't get a visit from Aunt Flow naturally and have to convince her out with medication appreciate when she shows up. Mainly because it means something is working correctly and we don't have to change things but it can also mean we get another chance at getting pregnant. When you know you are not pregnant you have to wait for her to show up to give you the green light to start trying again but when she is stubborn things get dragged out. Its excruciating waiting for her knowing there is no other actions you can take till she comes. Not only are you disappointed that you aren't pregnant now you are also disappointed that you have to wait longer to try again. It's very unfair and rude of her!
So for the next few days I will be upset that she took so long to come and makes me feel miserable but I will be happy to know my wait is over and I can start my new wait soon the dreaded TWW (Two week wait). Which is worse because you are waiting to find out if the other parts of your body have betrayed you or not. Have my ovaries decided to give me an egg or do we get to start this process over? Only time will tell until then give me a heating pad, some ice cream and a good movie.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Help-- I am living with a teenager!
How do you motivate a teenager? I think this might be one of those questions that don't really have an answer. Here I am trying to help T become an adult. He will be 18 in March and will be graduating high school next year. By this time in his life he should have already had a part time job, be driving, have a checking account and be waking up on his own in the morning. However, he has done none of these things. He still needs me to go in every morning to make sure he gets up for school. He has never had a job or really done any hard work. He has applied for a few things while being here in Oklahoma so that may change soon. He did get his permit before Christmas but he still doesn't want to drive. This is probably one of the most frustrating things. I understand that he is scared but he has to get out there. I don't know how to convince him of that.
I think the most frustrating thing though isn't that he doesn't do these things but that he has no real motivation to change, to want to learn to do these things. I have tried to explain to him that he is going to be an adult before he knows it. That he will have to make some hard decisions in the next couple year and that he needs to try to start making some now while he has us as his safety net. He response to all these things is that 'he wants to be a kid for as long as possible'. I understand that he can still be a kid but he has to start moving forward with some of these things or before he knows it he is going to be the weird high school graduate that doesn't drive and doesn't know what to do with his life.
So for all you parents out there. How do you motivate a teenager? How do I get him to move forward with his life? I want to see him be successful but I want him to do it for himself....
I think the most frustrating thing though isn't that he doesn't do these things but that he has no real motivation to change, to want to learn to do these things. I have tried to explain to him that he is going to be an adult before he knows it. That he will have to make some hard decisions in the next couple year and that he needs to try to start making some now while he has us as his safety net. He response to all these things is that 'he wants to be a kid for as long as possible'. I understand that he can still be a kid but he has to start moving forward with some of these things or before he knows it he is going to be the weird high school graduate that doesn't drive and doesn't know what to do with his life.
So for all you parents out there. How do you motivate a teenager? How do I get him to move forward with his life? I want to see him be successful but I want him to do it for himself....
Monday, January 20, 2014
Where are you AF?
I want this blog to be honest and real. Therefore, I may have to talk about something that most people would not feel comfortable with. This is one of those things...where is my period? Last month we took a cycle of fertility medicine to help me ovulation. I was supposed to get my cycle on Christmas day. When it didn't arrive I got excited that I could be pregnant. At that time I had been really tired and very nauseous for a couple days (even though now I think it was a hangover that just lasted a few days). I took a test Christmas Evening- negative. I waited for a couple more days. Aunt Flow (AF) never showed so I did another test- negative. After 7 days I called my doctor. He told me that I probably didn't ovulate that month. The medicine was to help but was not a guarantee and even though it worked the month before it is not guarantee to work every month. So he sent me a prescription for progesterone to help me start a cycle so we can try another batch of fertility.
I was very frustrated at the fact that the medicine didn't work. I did some research and found that most women that take it don't ovulate every month. UGH! So I started taking my progesterone. Let me stop here for a second. I hate this medicine. It makes me cranky and really hungry. I mean, I could eat a thousand times a day when I take it which doesn't help because I am supposed to keep my weight in check while on fertility medicine. So here I am taking the medicine I hate for 10 days.
After the 10 days you are supposed to get a visit from AF somewhere between days 3-7 after taking the medicine. It's not day 8 and nothing. She has not showed her ugly face. I had symptoms of her a few days 1-3 (bloating, cramping and sore breast) but they went away. Today I woke up again with the same symptoms (especially my breast hurting) but still nothing. I hope she shows up soon for a few reasons.
1. I can then start the other medicine and maybe we will get pregnant this month which means we could announce around Mother's Day.
2. I can be assured that I will not have to take another dose this month of the progesterone (or worse a heavier dose). I don't know if I want to go through another 10 days of being cranky and hungry.
Therefore, the waiting continues. If AF hasn't show up in a week I guess I will call the doctor again. This whole being infertile and broken thing sucks.
I was very frustrated at the fact that the medicine didn't work. I did some research and found that most women that take it don't ovulate every month. UGH! So I started taking my progesterone. Let me stop here for a second. I hate this medicine. It makes me cranky and really hungry. I mean, I could eat a thousand times a day when I take it which doesn't help because I am supposed to keep my weight in check while on fertility medicine. So here I am taking the medicine I hate for 10 days.
After the 10 days you are supposed to get a visit from AF somewhere between days 3-7 after taking the medicine. It's not day 8 and nothing. She has not showed her ugly face. I had symptoms of her a few days 1-3 (bloating, cramping and sore breast) but they went away. Today I woke up again with the same symptoms (especially my breast hurting) but still nothing. I hope she shows up soon for a few reasons.
1. I can then start the other medicine and maybe we will get pregnant this month which means we could announce around Mother's Day.
2. I can be assured that I will not have to take another dose this month of the progesterone (or worse a heavier dose). I don't know if I want to go through another 10 days of being cranky and hungry.
Therefore, the waiting continues. If AF hasn't show up in a week I guess I will call the doctor again. This whole being infertile and broken thing sucks.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Busy, Busy, Busy
Yesterday and today are the first days I truly feel like a parent. For example, I got off work yesterday an hour and a half early and was excited to go home, have a coffee and watch on of my DVR'd shows but that is not what really happened. Instead, T (who has recently joined the football team) reminded me that he needed shoes, workout clothes and equipment for football. So I took my extra time to run him around to shop, get his hair cut, prepare for dinner and then go on my two mile run. Then we spent all night figuring out how what going to be picking in up from practice on what days because they don’t' have an activity bus. Then today, I had to go meet with his counselor to make sure we rearrange his classes correctly for football and to make a plan for graduation because his old school has still not fixed his transcript and may never (that's another long story we will get into later).
Tonight we have to sit down with T and discuss his options which most likely include night and summer school. He is not going to be happy but if he wants to graduate on time that's what he is going to have to do. We also need to tell him that the welding class he wants to take next year may not be an option because of football and him working full time this summer may have to be part time because of football and summer school. I know he is going to be so disappointed that things are not going his way. Plus, he is going to be irritated as we bring up the 'you need to learn to drive and get over your fear because we can't take you everywhere all the time" conversation.
For the past two days my life has revolved around him and his schooling/football. It's exhausting and it's only been two days. I think we are in for a very interesting two year....
Tonight we have to sit down with T and discuss his options which most likely include night and summer school. He is not going to be happy but if he wants to graduate on time that's what he is going to have to do. We also need to tell him that the welding class he wants to take next year may not be an option because of football and him working full time this summer may have to be part time because of football and summer school. I know he is going to be so disappointed that things are not going his way. Plus, he is going to be irritated as we bring up the 'you need to learn to drive and get over your fear because we can't take you everywhere all the time" conversation.
For the past two days my life has revolved around him and his schooling/football. It's exhausting and it's only been two days. I think we are in for a very interesting two year....
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Boys and Budgets
I have always heard that teenage boys have bottomless pits for stomachs. I used to laugh when someone who had a teenager complained that they need milk again and that it seems impossible to keep it in the house. I used to get irritated with families who complained that eating healthy with a teenager was just 'too difficult because it was expensive'. I would agree but inside I would just rebuke them for not budgeting their money well enough to afford healthy foods.
Well here I am today in the same boat as these parents. Always wondering where T (my brother) puts all the food and why on earth I never have milk! I am the living example of a person who judged parents way too harshly because I didn't understand what it really takes to have a child. I would like to apologize to all parents out there for my rude behavior and piss poor attitude towards you in the past. I stand here today realizing I can never judge another parents because I have no idea what it is like. I only have a teenager right now, I can only imagine all the things I will learn and all the things I will realize I never knew about when we have a little one. All you childless people out there, just wait until it's your turn. You will see. I am only at the tip of the iceberg and am terrified to see where this road leads.
When starting to write this post I decided I wanted to point out two things today. First, it's expensive to have a child. I know that this is obvious but I had to say it. Every month we find ourselves worried about money. We have never been well off and we have always lived paycheck to paycheck (something we are trying to fix). However, it is increasingly worse now. We used to have some money left over at the end of the month to put into savings. Now, we have no savings. I sure how there is not an emergency anytime soon. And to top it off, this month we apparently lost our minds and have spent why too much money on who knows what. We are looking to be short this month. This is a big deal. Since I moved out on my own when I was a teenager I have never been short. I always managed my money well and had enough to make it. It's terrifying to be in the situation. M (my husband) and I sat down last night and looked over our budget. We found a few places to cut in order to make it but it means not having any money saved for T's 18 birthday next month or for the football gear he will need soon. It means we will be eating very expensive (and most likely unhealthy foods) for the rest of the month. And I pray that we don't owe taxes this year or we will be screwed. Last night all I could do was trying and figure out what I could sell to make us money or if there was a money tree around so I could go collect just about $500 to cushion us. I didn't come up with anything to help. We will make it but I do not appreciate the uneasy feeling in my stomach. We are seriously considering getting second jobs to help out. This will be difficult for me as my schedule at work can sometimes be chaotic meaning some weeks I can work late and weekends, some weeks I can't. This leaves M to go out and get a second job. I hate this idea, I feel both of us should work and not one of us. For now, we have shelved the conversation but I have a feeling it won't stay there for long., especially if a miracle happens and we get pregnant. (I know, you are probably thinking. STOP TRYING TO HAVE A BABY! YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT. You might be right but at this moment we don't even know if the medicine I am taking is working because it seems that it isn't so it could be a long time before we actually get pregnant).
The second thing I wanted to point out today is that living with two full grown boys is terrible. Now I do like that they are both tall so they can reach things I can't and I like that they are strong because they have to lift things that are heavy (most things are not too heavy for me, I am just lazy and feel if they are bigger they should pick it up). However, there are a few reasons that I don't like living with two boys. Here they are:
1. They are smelly. They both have stinky feet and get sweaty easily. This means, there is always a weird smell in the bedrooms. No matter how much I try it's there. I think it may always be there.
2. Beard Hair. I hate those tiny bastards. Beard hair seems to get in every nook and cranny and no matter how much I try it seems that I always miss some of it. It's all over the vanities. They both shave over towels and try and keep it clean but I swear they can't see those tiny bastards like I can. They mock me as they lie everywhere and I swear they multiple as I clean. Why do both my boys have so much hair?
3. We go through toilet paper way too fast. I swear every time I go to clean the bathrooms there is no toilet paper (not even where we keep the extra rolls). How often do they have to go and how much are you using! Seriously, either go poo less and use less toliet paper or I am going to start rationing it out.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Bitter Caregiver
When you are growing up you always expect that one day you will be a caregiver to your parents. Every situation is different. Some end up being a fulltime caregiver while others are just there to help when others can't. We all know that it will happen one day; it's just the circle of life. Many of us expect that as we begin to retire from our careers we will take on the fulltime role of caregiver. We are happy to do it because it's our parents. They have always been there for us. They nursed us back to health when we were little, they stood up for us when we got married, they helped us the first few weeks when our children were born and they became cheerleaders for our children. Unfortunately, that is not how my story goes (have you noticed a theme yet? My life doesn't seem to take any type of "normal" path).
I could spend days explaining how we got here. But for the sake of time I will give you the shortened version (yes, this is the shortened version). My mother has five children. Her first daughter was born when she was 14 and the last when she was 29. I was her third daughter (she only being 20). Six weeks after being born my mother met my stepfather and quickly got married. One day shy of my second birthday my youngest sister was born. Things seemed to be going well from what I remember. Then when I was nine two things happened. First, my mom was pregnant with her fifth child (finally a boy!) and my stepfather was arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison. Quickly after he was arrested we moved from Texas to Kansas to be closer to my grandparents. For a couple years after the move my mom worked fulltime to support her children. It was always tight and my grandparents would often pitch in. Then one day, my mom snapped. Maybe it was the stress of being the single mother of five or maybe it was the result of a tough life (being abused when younger and supporting five children? I have given up on trying to figure out what happened but ultimately it lead her to be admitted (a few times) to a mental hospital and us children going to live with our grandparents. By the time I was 14 I was tired of always fighting with my mom and having little space and time to myself so I moved in with a couple from my church. From there my life seemed to improve. I as out of the chaos, worked full time, went to school full time, become the first high school graduate in my family, went to college, graduated college and eventually got married. However, things didn't get better for my mom. Eventually, she would be kicked out of my grandparents’ home. That is the first time she decided to go live on her own with her son. This did not last long. We soon moved my brother out and in with a sister who lives in Florida because she could not care for him. They would go days without food and shelter. It was a bad situation.
During all this time she was declared disabled due to mental illness and would never again work. One day, my older sister took pity on her and asked her to move in with her family and my brother. For four years she would live there until she decided she wanted to move to Texas and live on her own. You can probably guess what happened next. She would live on her own for a while but soon she would struggle supporting herself. She didn't have money for food and was living in a trailer with limited furniture, limited utilities and as close to being homeless. This is when my husband and I knew we had to step up. We invited her to move to Oklahoma with the understanding she would not live with us but also not have control of any of her money. She agreed and we paid a ton to get her here.
That's it. That is how we got here. It's been six months now. We have her settled in an apartment and am working to help her build a foundation and pay off debt. We are working with her to live within a budget. We have control over everything. We pay her rent, take her shopping and make sure she gets to the doctor. It's not easy. There are days I feel it's unfair to have such responsibilities when I am so young and so is she. I have tried to figure out why she can't make it on her own but have given up the search and accepted that she is missing a part that helps her make those decisions. It's hard because he have never really had a good relationship and now we are in a situation that doesn't really foster building a relationship as it seems more to be a reversal of roles with me being the mother and her the child.
I hate it. I find myself bitter towards her--bitter that she can't take care of herself; bitter that she can't take care of her son who we are now raising; bitter that she never took care of me and I take care of her; bitter that we are short of money every month because her disability is barely enough to cover her own bills let alone help out with her son.
I hate being bitter. It makes me angry and disrespectful towards her. I hate having such a short fuse when it comes to her but I am working on it. I think the first step is to accept that this is our life. That she will probably never change and that this is something we chose (over her being homeless, starving and possibility dying). I will have to work at it every day but I hope that one day and I will be able to look back and see the good. Maybe she will learn some great life skills and be able to live on her own one day? Maybe our relationship with improve? I don't know what the outcome will be but I know that today it's hard...
I could spend days explaining how we got here. But for the sake of time I will give you the shortened version (yes, this is the shortened version). My mother has five children. Her first daughter was born when she was 14 and the last when she was 29. I was her third daughter (she only being 20). Six weeks after being born my mother met my stepfather and quickly got married. One day shy of my second birthday my youngest sister was born. Things seemed to be going well from what I remember. Then when I was nine two things happened. First, my mom was pregnant with her fifth child (finally a boy!) and my stepfather was arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison. Quickly after he was arrested we moved from Texas to Kansas to be closer to my grandparents. For a couple years after the move my mom worked fulltime to support her children. It was always tight and my grandparents would often pitch in. Then one day, my mom snapped. Maybe it was the stress of being the single mother of five or maybe it was the result of a tough life (being abused when younger and supporting five children? I have given up on trying to figure out what happened but ultimately it lead her to be admitted (a few times) to a mental hospital and us children going to live with our grandparents. By the time I was 14 I was tired of always fighting with my mom and having little space and time to myself so I moved in with a couple from my church. From there my life seemed to improve. I as out of the chaos, worked full time, went to school full time, become the first high school graduate in my family, went to college, graduated college and eventually got married. However, things didn't get better for my mom. Eventually, she would be kicked out of my grandparents’ home. That is the first time she decided to go live on her own with her son. This did not last long. We soon moved my brother out and in with a sister who lives in Florida because she could not care for him. They would go days without food and shelter. It was a bad situation.
During all this time she was declared disabled due to mental illness and would never again work. One day, my older sister took pity on her and asked her to move in with her family and my brother. For four years she would live there until she decided she wanted to move to Texas and live on her own. You can probably guess what happened next. She would live on her own for a while but soon she would struggle supporting herself. She didn't have money for food and was living in a trailer with limited furniture, limited utilities and as close to being homeless. This is when my husband and I knew we had to step up. We invited her to move to Oklahoma with the understanding she would not live with us but also not have control of any of her money. She agreed and we paid a ton to get her here.
That's it. That is how we got here. It's been six months now. We have her settled in an apartment and am working to help her build a foundation and pay off debt. We are working with her to live within a budget. We have control over everything. We pay her rent, take her shopping and make sure she gets to the doctor. It's not easy. There are days I feel it's unfair to have such responsibilities when I am so young and so is she. I have tried to figure out why she can't make it on her own but have given up the search and accepted that she is missing a part that helps her make those decisions. It's hard because he have never really had a good relationship and now we are in a situation that doesn't really foster building a relationship as it seems more to be a reversal of roles with me being the mother and her the child.
I hate it. I find myself bitter towards her--bitter that she can't take care of herself; bitter that she can't take care of her son who we are now raising; bitter that she never took care of me and I take care of her; bitter that we are short of money every month because her disability is barely enough to cover her own bills let alone help out with her son.
I hate being bitter. It makes me angry and disrespectful towards her. I hate having such a short fuse when it comes to her but I am working on it. I think the first step is to accept that this is our life. That she will probably never change and that this is something we chose (over her being homeless, starving and possibility dying). I will have to work at it every day but I hope that one day and I will be able to look back and see the good. Maybe she will learn some great life skills and be able to live on her own one day? Maybe our relationship with improve? I don't know what the outcome will be but I know that today it's hard...
Monday, January 13, 2014
Young and Infertile
After writing my first post I decided that my next two posts would go into more detail about how my life has changed over the past year. I want to explain how I became the caregiver to my mother and then talk about how we became unexpected parents on our trying to conceive journey. I wasn't sure which post I would write until this morning when I saw the pregnancy announcement of two college acquaintances.
I have not always wanted to me a mother. When I was younger I always thought being a parent would be too hard and would not fit into my life plan of being successful in my career. I don't think it was until I was in college dating who I thought would be the love of my life (yeah, that didn't work out) that I realized I wanted to be a mother. However, I don't think it was until I started dating my husband and we had a miscommunication where I thought he didn't want children (ever) that almost ended our relationship did I realize how much I wanted children.
Now from that point forward, I knew that having children would not be easy. Since I was a teenager, I have not has regular cycles. Actually, that is an understatement. I had about four cycles when I was 14 then they stopped. I didn't have another cycle until I started birth control about two months before getting married, I was 22. Needless to say, without having a cycle, it is obvious that I don't ovulate, which makes getting pregnant pretty much impossible. With this knowledge, I have always known my chances of getting pregnant was slim even with fertility treatments but it's something I never allowed myself to think about because I wasn't trying to get pregnant.
Fast forward to 3 years after being married--My husband and I decided we were ready to start trying. We knew that it was going to be difficult which is way we decided not to put it off any more because it could take us some time. So in March of 2013 I stopped taking my birth control. We tried for a month and then in April, BAM period. My first response was "wait, I can have a period without birth control, maybe losing that 50 pounds fixed the problem". I was wrong. I didn't have another cycle May-October. Finally, in October at my yearly checkup I had a conversation with my doctor. After going over my medical history, we decided that I would need to start taking fertility medicine to help me jump start ovulation so we could get pregnant.
I want to stop here for a second and tell you that I didn't handle this news the way I thought I would. For my entire life I knew getting pregnant would be a challenge and that my body was broken but it wasn't until I heard if from my doctor that it really sunk in. I left my doctor’s office, got in my car and cried. I don't know why. I have always known but now it was a reality. I realized at that moment I had been holding on to hope that I would have a miracle and get pregnant quickly after starting. That I would laugh with my entire family and friends about how I always would worry it would be difficult and then it would just happen. This was not the case anymore. It would not be easy. It would not be natural but with the help of medicine and a doctor. I cried because what I had always known was coming true.
October would also be the month that my husband and I would become expectant parents. No, it's not what you think. No we didn’t get pregnant; instead we took in my teenage brother. In my next post, I will explain the difficulties of growing up with a single parent who has medical problems but for now let's keep it short. I have a brother that is 9 years younger than I. For the past 6 years he has lived with one of my older sisters (not with my mother). Then one day I get a call from my sister saying that the military will no longer allow my brother to live with them because he is not a 'legal' dependent. It doesn't matter that they have allowed it for the past six years. It doesn't matter that he is like a son to my sister and a brother to her children. It doesn't matter that he is a junior in high school. All that matters is that he can't live there without being adoptive (something that isn't possible since he will be 18 in less than 6 months) and he has to move in two weeks or my brother-in-law gets the boot from the Navy after 13 years of service. That phone call changed our lives. What are we supposed to do? He has nowhere else and it's unfair to have my brother-in-law to leave his job and jeopardize his family’s well-being to look for another job in this economy. So, two weeks after this phone call we drive to the airport to pick up my brother who now lives with us. This is awkward for everyone. He has to live his entire life to come live with a sister and brother-in-law he barely knows. He has to uproot his life on the beach filled with deep sea fishing to come live in a small town in Oklahoma. It's unfair for him. It's unfair for us because we now a choice to make. Can we really afford the treatments to get pregnant and if we do move forward with it can we afford to have a baby while we have a teenager?
Don't get me wrong. I love my brother and am happy to have him here with us. The past few months have been great but it's been a challenge. We went from a family of two to a family with a teenager. We are having to learn to parent a teenager and wade through girlfriends, sex, learning to drive, getting a first job, ACT/SAT, high school graduation and college. We are not ready for this but what choice do we have?
Fast forward to today. We decided to move forward with the treatments. We are on treatment 3. The first two didn't work. The treatments are not as expensive as we thought they would be. I have to say thought having to schedule out sex for a two week period while a teenager is in your home that's difficult. Having the fear that if we do get pregnant we are still not sure if we can afford it let alone be parents to two children is a constant in our home. Yet, we push forward because we know that we want a baby and because we know that it could still take months of treatments before we conceive.
So why did I decide to write this post first? Because it seems every day since trying to get pregnant and increasingly more since our infertile diagnosis I have seen couple after couple get pregnant easily. It's tough because I am young (26). I am supposed to be able to get pregnant easily but it's not easy and today it seems really unfair.
I have not always wanted to me a mother. When I was younger I always thought being a parent would be too hard and would not fit into my life plan of being successful in my career. I don't think it was until I was in college dating who I thought would be the love of my life (yeah, that didn't work out) that I realized I wanted to be a mother. However, I don't think it was until I started dating my husband and we had a miscommunication where I thought he didn't want children (ever) that almost ended our relationship did I realize how much I wanted children.
Now from that point forward, I knew that having children would not be easy. Since I was a teenager, I have not has regular cycles. Actually, that is an understatement. I had about four cycles when I was 14 then they stopped. I didn't have another cycle until I started birth control about two months before getting married, I was 22. Needless to say, without having a cycle, it is obvious that I don't ovulate, which makes getting pregnant pretty much impossible. With this knowledge, I have always known my chances of getting pregnant was slim even with fertility treatments but it's something I never allowed myself to think about because I wasn't trying to get pregnant.
Fast forward to 3 years after being married--My husband and I decided we were ready to start trying. We knew that it was going to be difficult which is way we decided not to put it off any more because it could take us some time. So in March of 2013 I stopped taking my birth control. We tried for a month and then in April, BAM period. My first response was "wait, I can have a period without birth control, maybe losing that 50 pounds fixed the problem". I was wrong. I didn't have another cycle May-October. Finally, in October at my yearly checkup I had a conversation with my doctor. After going over my medical history, we decided that I would need to start taking fertility medicine to help me jump start ovulation so we could get pregnant.
I want to stop here for a second and tell you that I didn't handle this news the way I thought I would. For my entire life I knew getting pregnant would be a challenge and that my body was broken but it wasn't until I heard if from my doctor that it really sunk in. I left my doctor’s office, got in my car and cried. I don't know why. I have always known but now it was a reality. I realized at that moment I had been holding on to hope that I would have a miracle and get pregnant quickly after starting. That I would laugh with my entire family and friends about how I always would worry it would be difficult and then it would just happen. This was not the case anymore. It would not be easy. It would not be natural but with the help of medicine and a doctor. I cried because what I had always known was coming true.
October would also be the month that my husband and I would become expectant parents. No, it's not what you think. No we didn’t get pregnant; instead we took in my teenage brother. In my next post, I will explain the difficulties of growing up with a single parent who has medical problems but for now let's keep it short. I have a brother that is 9 years younger than I. For the past 6 years he has lived with one of my older sisters (not with my mother). Then one day I get a call from my sister saying that the military will no longer allow my brother to live with them because he is not a 'legal' dependent. It doesn't matter that they have allowed it for the past six years. It doesn't matter that he is like a son to my sister and a brother to her children. It doesn't matter that he is a junior in high school. All that matters is that he can't live there without being adoptive (something that isn't possible since he will be 18 in less than 6 months) and he has to move in two weeks or my brother-in-law gets the boot from the Navy after 13 years of service. That phone call changed our lives. What are we supposed to do? He has nowhere else and it's unfair to have my brother-in-law to leave his job and jeopardize his family’s well-being to look for another job in this economy. So, two weeks after this phone call we drive to the airport to pick up my brother who now lives with us. This is awkward for everyone. He has to live his entire life to come live with a sister and brother-in-law he barely knows. He has to uproot his life on the beach filled with deep sea fishing to come live in a small town in Oklahoma. It's unfair for him. It's unfair for us because we now a choice to make. Can we really afford the treatments to get pregnant and if we do move forward with it can we afford to have a baby while we have a teenager?
Don't get me wrong. I love my brother and am happy to have him here with us. The past few months have been great but it's been a challenge. We went from a family of two to a family with a teenager. We are having to learn to parent a teenager and wade through girlfriends, sex, learning to drive, getting a first job, ACT/SAT, high school graduation and college. We are not ready for this but what choice do we have?
Fast forward to today. We decided to move forward with the treatments. We are on treatment 3. The first two didn't work. The treatments are not as expensive as we thought they would be. I have to say thought having to schedule out sex for a two week period while a teenager is in your home that's difficult. Having the fear that if we do get pregnant we are still not sure if we can afford it let alone be parents to two children is a constant in our home. Yet, we push forward because we know that we want a baby and because we know that it could still take months of treatments before we conceive.
So why did I decide to write this post first? Because it seems every day since trying to get pregnant and increasingly more since our infertile diagnosis I have seen couple after couple get pregnant easily. It's tough because I am young (26). I am supposed to be able to get pregnant easily but it's not easy and today it seems really unfair.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Four Years and A Clean Slate
I started this blog over four years ago. It wasn't successful because I only wrote post once a month for about 5 months and I lost interest. Looking back, I am not sure if I lost interest or if I realized I had nothing to say. Four years ago I thought my life was interesting, difficult and hectic. I thought I would start a blog to share about my journey to become a better person. Looking back now, I started it because I had a few friends start a blog and I jumped on the bandwagon. Looking back now, the only thing I really ever wrote about my being a newlywed and starting my first professional job. The few written post I did have were just me complaining about have crazy life was and how difficult my job was. Now that I look back and reflect I realize a few things. First, my job at that time was crazy, awful, and stressful but it pushed me. It pushed me pretty much have a nervous breakdown but then it pushed me to grow and eventually learn to stand up for myself which lead to me eventually leaving for another job. The second realization I had is that my life then was never crazy, it was simple or at least it was much simpler that it is now.
It's been four years since my last post and since then my husband and I have bought a house, I changed jobs, moved my mother from Texas to Oklahoma to take care of her, taken custody of my seventeen year old brother, and began trying to have a baby. Most of these things have been difficult. They have tested our marriage, our strength, our hearts and our pocketbook. Four years ago I would have never even been able to imagine that my life would look like it does now.
It's because of my crazy life that I have started blogging again. I need an outlet. I need somewhere I can write about my journey of trying to become a mother and the reality that I am infertile. I need a place to write about how we sudden have become parents but to a teenager that we don't really know. I need a place to write about what it is like to be the caregiver to your mother at such a young age. I need a place to let it all out so that I can make it through another day. I need a place where others can read my story and not be concerned about offending those I love. I'm lucky because very few people I know even know this blog exist and I don't plan on telling anyone about it. I need a place to be anonymous.
So here I am. I have erased all my previous post on this blog and have created a clean slate for me. This is a place for me to tell my story and share my emotions, even if no one reads it. If I don't post consistently, it's okay because this blog is for me not for anyone else.
It's been four years since my last post and since then my husband and I have bought a house, I changed jobs, moved my mother from Texas to Oklahoma to take care of her, taken custody of my seventeen year old brother, and began trying to have a baby. Most of these things have been difficult. They have tested our marriage, our strength, our hearts and our pocketbook. Four years ago I would have never even been able to imagine that my life would look like it does now.
It's because of my crazy life that I have started blogging again. I need an outlet. I need somewhere I can write about my journey of trying to become a mother and the reality that I am infertile. I need a place to write about how we sudden have become parents but to a teenager that we don't really know. I need a place to write about what it is like to be the caregiver to your mother at such a young age. I need a place to let it all out so that I can make it through another day. I need a place where others can read my story and not be concerned about offending those I love. I'm lucky because very few people I know even know this blog exist and I don't plan on telling anyone about it. I need a place to be anonymous.
So here I am. I have erased all my previous post on this blog and have created a clean slate for me. This is a place for me to tell my story and share my emotions, even if no one reads it. If I don't post consistently, it's okay because this blog is for me not for anyone else.
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