Baby Shower!

Tomorrow will be by first baby shower. Yes, I am having more than one. I am so excited to be able to celebrate with my friends and family. I am beginning to feel like I am pregnant now so at least people will be able to see it. I was a bit worry about that when picking the date that I may not show but I think people will be able to tell and at least I won't be so big that I am miserable. What I am excited most about is seeing my best friends. I love when we are together and to be able to share this moment with them is so special. They have been with me through everything. They were there to listen to me complain and despair when we didn't get pregnant easily. They always reminded me it would happen and after two long years, they are coming together to throw a baby shower to show how much they love me and this little girl. I am beyond blessed to have these two wonderful ladies in my life.

Now let's get this party started!

Nursery

I think one of the hardest parts being being pregnant so far has been the nursery. We had trouble deciding what to do with the nursery and now that we have we are having trouble finding the time to do it. We don't have much to do right now as most of it will have to wait until after one of my baby showers as one of the games will be to help decorate letters for the nursery. However, before then we really need to paint, put the crib together and figure out what other things we need. It's not the best time of the year to paint as it is cold and leaving the windows open for it to dry isn't really an option. All my other priorities seems to be pulled everyone else so I made an agreement that if we haven't painted by mid-march we would skip it and all the walls would just be white. It's seems like a good compromise and I hope by putting a deadline out there maybe it would help me to get it done. We will just have to see.

Why does this have to be hard, isn't it suppose to be fun?

Valentine's Day

In the past I have viewed Valentine's Day as a day that we should our significant other our love through thoughtful gifts, actions, etc. I have always put pressure on my self to do something thoughtful or grand for M wanting him to feel special. At the same time I have always had this internal drive to hope that M will do something as well to "blow my mind". I have always had high expectations for Valentine's Day and some years they have been met and some years they haven't. However, I find that this year feels differently. I don't feel the pressure to do anything grand or really anything. I want to celebrate the day but I didn't even get M a gift like I usually do. Actually, that isn't true. About two weeks ago I bought M a PlayStation 3. I wanted to do something thoughtful for him for everything he has done this past few months, for getting a second job and not complaining and for being my support system. Yet, I labeled it a "just because I love you/early Valentine's Day/Early Birthday gift" because I know when his birthday comes around in June we won't have the time, money or energy for much. In previous years, I would have gotten him something still using the "it's Valentine's Day everyone deserves to feel loved on that day" but not this year. In fact, I told M not to get me anything. He wouldn't take no for an answer so I told him to get me a pedicure. We will see if that happens.


Anyways, the point is this year I don't want anything. I want to celebrate but I want to do that by having a relaxing day. I have been so busy since April of last year. I have been exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally for months. The exhaustion doesn't last long and I just push through but I just want one day to do nothing. I don't plan to clean the house, or cook, or grocery shop, or anything on Saturday. I just want to have a day of nothing. A day that I don't have to make a decision. I don't' want to think about what we eat, or do. Now, I don't want to sit at home all day but I want to just relax finally. To spend a day enjoying my husband. Enjoying us before our lives become about Olivia. More than anything I desire this. Now we just have to see if this really happens or if I talk myself out of it.

One day it might feel real

To this day it still doesn't seem real that we are having a baby. We are going through the motions. We have doctors appointments, we have seen her face on an ultrasound. We have bought a crib (even though we haven't put it up yet). We are even starting to work on the nursery and preparing for birth by making plans, enrolling in classes at the hospital and working on maternity leave. However, it still doesn't seem real. How is it possible that in about 14 weeks I am suppose to have a baby? I don't feel any differently other that much larger due to my stomach finally starting to show. Even when I feel her kick, it just seems like something that is happening but not to me. I always thought I would be one of those people who fell in love with pregnancy. Fell in love with my child before they were even here but I am slightly ashamed to say I'm not. I don't hate pregnancy, I'm just ambivalent to it. I am excited to have a little girl but I feel no connection with her. I fear this could lead to postpartum depression. I don't even know if M feels connected to this pregnancy. Before we were pregnant we used to talk about how we would talk to our baby every day, take lots of picture and sing/read to her but that is not the case. We are so tired by the end of the night we both just go to sleep. We don't do any of the things I thought we would. I haven't even really started my nursery. We have some things but I can't seem to find the desire to get in there and finish it. I know we have months but I am a planner. I like to have things done ahead of time but I don't feel rushed with this. I keep telling myself I will have plenty of time later to finish it.

It just feels so strange because it still doesn't seem real. It doesn't feel like we will have a baby. It doesn't feel like we will actually cross this finish line. When will it feel real? When will it really hit us that we ARE having a baby? When will I feel connected to the baby? I don't think there is really an answer for it but because I don't I feel a bit ashamed even though I know it's normal for some women...