Jealousy? Disappointment? Anger? Depression? Reality? I don't know what to call the mood I am in today. I always find it funny how just a few small things like a phone call and a picture can totally change my mood and outlook. Usually, I try and have a positive outlook. I try and remind myself that this is just a bad day and not a bad life but someday it doesn't feel like that. Some days I want to cry, yell and throw things. Why? Because sometimes my life sometimes seems unfair. I know it's not that bad. I know that people our there have it worse and my life could always be worse but sometimes you just have to say what you feel. Sometimes you just have to put it out in the universe to feel better. So here it is:
MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE NORMAL.
I do not have a normal life. I don't have a supportive mother, one that I can call on when there is a problem. I can talk to her about some things but she (at this time) doesn't have the capacity to be the mother I want. The one to help me problem solve, to cry with, to be the voice of reason or to bail me out of situations. I don't have a father to turn. The closest I ever had died a few years back. The only other men that could call themselves my father is either in prison or doesn't want anything to do with me. My grandparents are supportive but I feel at this time they need more support from me than they can give to me. My husband's family is great but I don't feel close enough to rely on them like I would with my family (maybe I will one day). I have my sisters but sometimes I don't think they understand or they have already been in my situation so they lack sympathy.
I don't have a normal life. Instead of enjoying just being husband and wife before we have our own children we live with a teenager. I love my brother but it is very difficult to be in the crash course in parenthood to a person that is almost an adult and has their own values. All we can really do is encourage him to make good decision but molding him to believe certain things or instilling values in him has passed. We can do our best but is is already grown and really just needs encouragement and a place to live until he can get on his own. It's hard balancing being a sister and being an authority figure.
I don't have a normal life. I can't have a baby easily. No matter how much I chart, check symptoms, keep my weight in check, have sex or pray getting pregnant seems like a dream. I can't easily achieve a family like my friends. I am not the one in the Facebook picture this morning holding their newborn. My husband and I are not the ones counting down the days till our new child or decorating a nursery like friends of ours. We keep trying and we wait but each month that passes gets harder and make that dream seem much more out of reach. How long do we continue on this path? When do we stop and explore adoption? Will we ever be able to afford something like that?
I don't have a normal life. Instead of being able to save money for the things we want or save money for a 5th year anniversary trip to have a real honeymoon we are spending our money of the needs of a teenager. Saving for his football gear, a new car so we can give him an old one, for his college, for his birthday and to make sure we have enough for emergencies if something happens. I know many people do this. Saving is responsible and I have always been a fan of it but the restriction of splurging occasionally feels suffocating. There is no wiggle room. Everything decision we make with money or with our life now affects a teenager. I know this is true for when you have your own children but it seems harder when the responsibly are thrust on you instead of a choice to have the child.
I don't have a normal life. I probably never will. It seems that we will have spells of normalcy but we will never live life as we expected. I will always have to take care of my mom. I will always have to be a parent figure to my brother because my mom isn't a great role model. I will always have to take care of those in my family that need it. It's not fair. It's not easy but it is my life. I am thankful for a husband that understands that. For a husband that chooses to stay with me in all the craziness. I hope he always will because I don't see an end to this craziness.
My life seems unfair, crazy and sometimes I want to run from it but it's my life. It's just today it's hard. It will be better tomorrow it always is but today I just had to say it. I had to get it out so I can take one more step. One day my hope is all the sacrifices we have made for others will come back and bless us.
.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Life beyond college
Life after college is not what you think it is even years later. For some reason when we are in college we expect work hard, have fun, graduate and then walk into a wonderful career. That is not what happens. I don't recall any of my professors ever telling me it was going to be like that. Maybe I conjured the idea from the many, many movies I have watched over my lifetime.
What really happens is pure chaos. If you are one of the lucky few you will leave college and be able to secure a job in your field of study within a couple of weeks if not before you leave (fortunately that was me). However, the majority of college graduate take months applying for jobs, working minimum wage jobs waiting for a call back and interview. This goes on for what seems like an eternity. I watched many friends go through this and at least half of them found a job but not within their field of study. When we graduated in 2009 it was ugly, I would hate to be any graduate after ours because I can only imagine how much worse it is. But this post really isn't about finding a job after college. It more about all of the realizations you have after college. So here is a list of 10 things I have realized since graduating college and entering the workforce.
1. Taking out students loans is stupid. I wish I would have had the knowledge I do know to take out less student loans or find other ways to pay for school. After leaving college I was billed at $600 a month to pay my loans. Thankfully, I got married right after college so together we were able to make those payments but if I had been alone that may not have been the case. We have been able to put extra towards my loans so our monthly payment is less now, but it still outrageous.
2. I have a passion for more than just people. I went to school and got a psychology degree but now after being in the work field I realize I also have a passion for business, organization, planning and strategic plans. If I had taken the time to figure that out in college instead of picking a path and never straying I would have most likely gotten a different degree which would have set me up for more opportunities now. Instead, I will need to go back in order to progress in the field I now know I want to be in.
3. Making new friends outside of college is hard. It's hard to stick up a conversation and get to know someone in a situation that isn't a dorm room or class. Sure you think you will just be friends with your co-workers and go out for drinks after work. Maybe but most likely you will have to try and break into the inner circle of co-worker which could take months and that it if everyone stays and doesn't move onto a new job. Then finding people to meet is hard. I don't like to walk up to people at the gym or Starbucks and just try and have a conversation. Where do you meet people?!
4. Keeping friends from college is much harder than you think. It's like high school all over again. You think it will be different because you’re 'older and more mature' but it's not. You lose touch with most of your friends quickly and are only able to maintain a small handful of them because most people move after college. I am lucky to still have a few of my college friends around and have been able to maintain some long distance relationships but the notion that you will just hop on a plane because you will have a 'real job' and see your friends isn't really an option when you realize everything is really expensive.
5. Everything is expensive. I never knew how much it would cost to buy a new couch or new bed! When we were getting ready to move into a house together me and H wanted to get some new furniture together. We thought we could go into a furniture store and come out with a complete living room set for about $1,000. We were so wrong. Just for a decent couch you are looking to pay that. Then if you want a new bedroom set you better sell a kidney.
6. Your late nights of partying is pretty much over. You may party on the weekends (even though I bet after a while that doesn't happen every weekend)--maybe even a weeknight here or there. But for the most part you spend your weeknights at home watching tv. You may grab dinner with some girlfriends or catch a show but most nights you will be in bed by 10 or 11 so you can get up early for the gym, work, or whatever. You soon will find that you have a bedtime and you don't like to break it.
7. Advancing in your career is hard and will take years. I think in the back of everyone's minds they are a secret superstar and assume that they will advance up the career later quickly and will make money quickly. That is not true. Most people will spend years in the same position to finally get a promotion or move jobs. It's hard work. I am hoping by the time I am in my late 30's to feel like I am finally making progress in my career.
8. Taxes are stupid. That's all I will say there.
9. I will never retire. I mean how am I supposed to start saving for retirement when I don't make money. Well, I make money but not really enough to start an IRA or 401K and contribute to it. It's frustrating.
10. The old adage that a young person will have 10 jobs before they are 40 may be pretty true. I am not talking about part time jobs but full time jobs after college. I see young people always sailing away to another company in order to make more money or have more opportunity. I can see the merit in needing to move jobs for these reasons but I also wonder how much we miss out on when we don't say a place for at least 4 years. Do we every really have the opportunity to learn from our co-workers or organization if we leave every two years?
What really happens is pure chaos. If you are one of the lucky few you will leave college and be able to secure a job in your field of study within a couple of weeks if not before you leave (fortunately that was me). However, the majority of college graduate take months applying for jobs, working minimum wage jobs waiting for a call back and interview. This goes on for what seems like an eternity. I watched many friends go through this and at least half of them found a job but not within their field of study. When we graduated in 2009 it was ugly, I would hate to be any graduate after ours because I can only imagine how much worse it is. But this post really isn't about finding a job after college. It more about all of the realizations you have after college. So here is a list of 10 things I have realized since graduating college and entering the workforce.
1. Taking out students loans is stupid. I wish I would have had the knowledge I do know to take out less student loans or find other ways to pay for school. After leaving college I was billed at $600 a month to pay my loans. Thankfully, I got married right after college so together we were able to make those payments but if I had been alone that may not have been the case. We have been able to put extra towards my loans so our monthly payment is less now, but it still outrageous.
2. I have a passion for more than just people. I went to school and got a psychology degree but now after being in the work field I realize I also have a passion for business, organization, planning and strategic plans. If I had taken the time to figure that out in college instead of picking a path and never straying I would have most likely gotten a different degree which would have set me up for more opportunities now. Instead, I will need to go back in order to progress in the field I now know I want to be in.
3. Making new friends outside of college is hard. It's hard to stick up a conversation and get to know someone in a situation that isn't a dorm room or class. Sure you think you will just be friends with your co-workers and go out for drinks after work. Maybe but most likely you will have to try and break into the inner circle of co-worker which could take months and that it if everyone stays and doesn't move onto a new job. Then finding people to meet is hard. I don't like to walk up to people at the gym or Starbucks and just try and have a conversation. Where do you meet people?!
4. Keeping friends from college is much harder than you think. It's like high school all over again. You think it will be different because you’re 'older and more mature' but it's not. You lose touch with most of your friends quickly and are only able to maintain a small handful of them because most people move after college. I am lucky to still have a few of my college friends around and have been able to maintain some long distance relationships but the notion that you will just hop on a plane because you will have a 'real job' and see your friends isn't really an option when you realize everything is really expensive.
5. Everything is expensive. I never knew how much it would cost to buy a new couch or new bed! When we were getting ready to move into a house together me and H wanted to get some new furniture together. We thought we could go into a furniture store and come out with a complete living room set for about $1,000. We were so wrong. Just for a decent couch you are looking to pay that. Then if you want a new bedroom set you better sell a kidney.
6. Your late nights of partying is pretty much over. You may party on the weekends (even though I bet after a while that doesn't happen every weekend)--maybe even a weeknight here or there. But for the most part you spend your weeknights at home watching tv. You may grab dinner with some girlfriends or catch a show but most nights you will be in bed by 10 or 11 so you can get up early for the gym, work, or whatever. You soon will find that you have a bedtime and you don't like to break it.
7. Advancing in your career is hard and will take years. I think in the back of everyone's minds they are a secret superstar and assume that they will advance up the career later quickly and will make money quickly. That is not true. Most people will spend years in the same position to finally get a promotion or move jobs. It's hard work. I am hoping by the time I am in my late 30's to feel like I am finally making progress in my career.
8. Taxes are stupid. That's all I will say there.
9. I will never retire. I mean how am I supposed to start saving for retirement when I don't make money. Well, I make money but not really enough to start an IRA or 401K and contribute to it. It's frustrating.
10. The old adage that a young person will have 10 jobs before they are 40 may be pretty true. I am not talking about part time jobs but full time jobs after college. I see young people always sailing away to another company in order to make more money or have more opportunity. I can see the merit in needing to move jobs for these reasons but I also wonder how much we miss out on when we don't say a place for at least 4 years. Do we every really have the opportunity to learn from our co-workers or organization if we leave every two years?
Monday, January 27, 2014
Inpatient
The last couple of days have been extremely stressful and interesting. It seems that my life doesn't really slow down or stay normal for long. If it's not one thing it's another and this weekend it all revolved around my mother. On Friday evening I admitted her to a 21 day treatment facility for an eating disorder and depression. This was a strange experience for two reasons. First, for most of my life my mother has had a problem with food but it has usually always been overeating. For as long as I can remember my mother was severely obese. In fact, most of us children have been or still are overweight. I know that being overweight in my adulthood stems from my own choices but I do believe that bad habits were instilled in me as a young child from my mother’s bad eating habits. When we were younger we never really ate fruits or veggies. We mainly ate fast food, fried food and processed food. I know that this is mainly because they were less expensive meaning we could afford them but still it didn't prepare me for learning to eat well. Up until two years ago I weighted over 200 pounds myself and I am under 30. However, two years ago I decided I had to make a change and have been on a path of losing weight and eating well since. I have lost over 50 pounds but still have about 20 pounds to go. It's a long, grueling road but I will make it.
Oops, I got off track let's get back to my point. My mother was always overweight and constantly ate. However, about a year ago she decided she needed a change at got a gastric bypass. I was surprise she made it through the screening process but she did. Fast forward to know. She still has a complex with food but now to the other extreme. She doesn't eat. She is underweight. She can't keep her blood sugar stable and often faints for lack of food. I have caught her many times chewing her food and spiting it out so she can taste it but not get the calories. It wasn't until about two weeks ago when she fainted and almost broke her knee that I realized she needed more help that the traditional counseling she was receiving bringing us to Friday night when I drove her an hour away to check her into a center. She agreed she needed help but still it was strange because I have known her more of my life as the overeater not the under eater.
The second reason it was strange is because I was checking her in. Now, I am familiar with my mother being in a treatment center. This has happened a few times in my life but this is the first time I have ever had to check her in. Typically I just hear about her being admitted and either just call to check in (if she lives far away) or would go see her. This is the first time I have had to deal with the paperwork, the doctors, the glances from the staff, and the stress of having to get everything together to be approved to be admitted and then have to rush to get her admitted before the weekend. They offered to let us wait till Monday, but I know if we did she would back out. So Friday was filled with getting a power of attorney, doctor referrals, organizing bills and more just to check her in.
Next, I had to spend an hour in the car with my mother trying to keep her calm as we head there. It was difficult because she was nervous which is understandable. Upon, arriving we had to wait to be checked in and then go through an hour long session of questions and medications before we could officially sign her in and get her a bed. It was weird being in charge of all this. Of speaking up for my mother and making sure the doctors know what is going on. It was weird pointing out her problems to a person while she is sitting there. Even though this is what she needs and they need to know what is going on it felt like betraying her. It was odd.
I think what made it worse was when I left. I got in my car and drove home. It was a long hour of having to call people to let them know what was going on and why they wouldn't be able to reach her. But what was most frustrating was the lack of support and sympathy from my sisters. Especially my closest sister who I thought would understand and odd it was for me and how stressful it was but instead she just kind of shrugged it off. After a day of preparing and the stress of it all she didn't seem to care. It was so frustrating and sad because I felt alone. My husband was supportive but he wasn't with me because he was home with T. I needed my sisters to understand but no one did. No one cared what it was like for me but instead just shrugged off the experience like "just another day with mom".
So there it is. My mom is inpatient right now receiving help. I am proud of her for being willing but am frustrated because it's a long 21 days not just for her but for me, my husband and T. We have to deal with the incoming calls from doctors, from her wanting to come home. We have to deal with the awkward visitations on the weekend. We have to watch her yappy, annoying dog that my husband despises for 21 days. All to pick her up and have to work hard when she gets home to help her continue to recover to make sure she doesn’t relapse and is moving forward. It's exhausting and I wish my sisters would understand that.
On a side note, this weekend T spent the night with a friend and they woke up to a gas leak at the house and gas poisoning. So we spent Sunday worried about him and watching over him. He seems good today but it was another thing that made this weekend extra stressful. I hope this next week is much less crazy but we will see. I am just starting my new fertility meds so there could be some interesting side effects with that.
Oops, I got off track let's get back to my point. My mother was always overweight and constantly ate. However, about a year ago she decided she needed a change at got a gastric bypass. I was surprise she made it through the screening process but she did. Fast forward to know. She still has a complex with food but now to the other extreme. She doesn't eat. She is underweight. She can't keep her blood sugar stable and often faints for lack of food. I have caught her many times chewing her food and spiting it out so she can taste it but not get the calories. It wasn't until about two weeks ago when she fainted and almost broke her knee that I realized she needed more help that the traditional counseling she was receiving bringing us to Friday night when I drove her an hour away to check her into a center. She agreed she needed help but still it was strange because I have known her more of my life as the overeater not the under eater.
The second reason it was strange is because I was checking her in. Now, I am familiar with my mother being in a treatment center. This has happened a few times in my life but this is the first time I have ever had to check her in. Typically I just hear about her being admitted and either just call to check in (if she lives far away) or would go see her. This is the first time I have had to deal with the paperwork, the doctors, the glances from the staff, and the stress of having to get everything together to be approved to be admitted and then have to rush to get her admitted before the weekend. They offered to let us wait till Monday, but I know if we did she would back out. So Friday was filled with getting a power of attorney, doctor referrals, organizing bills and more just to check her in.
Next, I had to spend an hour in the car with my mother trying to keep her calm as we head there. It was difficult because she was nervous which is understandable. Upon, arriving we had to wait to be checked in and then go through an hour long session of questions and medications before we could officially sign her in and get her a bed. It was weird being in charge of all this. Of speaking up for my mother and making sure the doctors know what is going on. It was weird pointing out her problems to a person while she is sitting there. Even though this is what she needs and they need to know what is going on it felt like betraying her. It was odd.
I think what made it worse was when I left. I got in my car and drove home. It was a long hour of having to call people to let them know what was going on and why they wouldn't be able to reach her. But what was most frustrating was the lack of support and sympathy from my sisters. Especially my closest sister who I thought would understand and odd it was for me and how stressful it was but instead she just kind of shrugged it off. After a day of preparing and the stress of it all she didn't seem to care. It was so frustrating and sad because I felt alone. My husband was supportive but he wasn't with me because he was home with T. I needed my sisters to understand but no one did. No one cared what it was like for me but instead just shrugged off the experience like "just another day with mom".
So there it is. My mom is inpatient right now receiving help. I am proud of her for being willing but am frustrated because it's a long 21 days not just for her but for me, my husband and T. We have to deal with the incoming calls from doctors, from her wanting to come home. We have to deal with the awkward visitations on the weekend. We have to watch her yappy, annoying dog that my husband despises for 21 days. All to pick her up and have to work hard when she gets home to help her continue to recover to make sure she doesn’t relapse and is moving forward. It's exhausting and I wish my sisters would understand that.
On a side note, this weekend T spent the night with a friend and they woke up to a gas leak at the house and gas poisoning. So we spent Sunday worried about him and watching over him. He seems good today but it was another thing that made this weekend extra stressful. I hope this next week is much less crazy but we will see. I am just starting my new fertility meds so there could be some interesting side effects with that.
Friday, January 24, 2014
The witch has finally shown her face
I never thought I would be so happy to see Aunt Flow this morning but I am. She has finally shown her ugly face after being over a month late. Well a month late if you count when it was supposed to start naturally she is 10 days late from when she was supposed to come with the medication. Maybe all my inner chanting (or better known as yelling) at her to come made her finally listen. So why am I happy about this? That's an easy one. Now I don't have to double the dosage of the progesterone (the medicine that start my period) which is wonderful because that medicine makes me miserable. The second reason I am happy is it means we can finally start the countdown to the fertility medicine and hope that this month I ovulate and get pregnant. I know it's a BIG if but at least we have a chance now. So even though I will probably be complaining for the next week about Aunt Flow deep down I will appreciate her presence. This leads me to a reoccurring thought I have had while waiting for her to show up-- women who have trouble with fertility have a very love hate relationship with Aunt Flow.
It can be the same with women that is afraid of being pregnant when not wanting to. We had the week of Aunt Flow but we love when she comes (we would love her more if she didn't come because we were pregnant but that isn't the case for most of us). For those women who don't get a visit from Aunt Flow naturally and have to convince her out with medication appreciate when she shows up. Mainly because it means something is working correctly and we don't have to change things but it can also mean we get another chance at getting pregnant. When you know you are not pregnant you have to wait for her to show up to give you the green light to start trying again but when she is stubborn things get dragged out. Its excruciating waiting for her knowing there is no other actions you can take till she comes. Not only are you disappointed that you aren't pregnant now you are also disappointed that you have to wait longer to try again. It's very unfair and rude of her!
So for the next few days I will be upset that she took so long to come and makes me feel miserable but I will be happy to know my wait is over and I can start my new wait soon the dreaded TWW (Two week wait). Which is worse because you are waiting to find out if the other parts of your body have betrayed you or not. Have my ovaries decided to give me an egg or do we get to start this process over? Only time will tell until then give me a heating pad, some ice cream and a good movie.
It can be the same with women that is afraid of being pregnant when not wanting to. We had the week of Aunt Flow but we love when she comes (we would love her more if she didn't come because we were pregnant but that isn't the case for most of us). For those women who don't get a visit from Aunt Flow naturally and have to convince her out with medication appreciate when she shows up. Mainly because it means something is working correctly and we don't have to change things but it can also mean we get another chance at getting pregnant. When you know you are not pregnant you have to wait for her to show up to give you the green light to start trying again but when she is stubborn things get dragged out. Its excruciating waiting for her knowing there is no other actions you can take till she comes. Not only are you disappointed that you aren't pregnant now you are also disappointed that you have to wait longer to try again. It's very unfair and rude of her!
So for the next few days I will be upset that she took so long to come and makes me feel miserable but I will be happy to know my wait is over and I can start my new wait soon the dreaded TWW (Two week wait). Which is worse because you are waiting to find out if the other parts of your body have betrayed you or not. Have my ovaries decided to give me an egg or do we get to start this process over? Only time will tell until then give me a heating pad, some ice cream and a good movie.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Help-- I am living with a teenager!
How do you motivate a teenager? I think this might be one of those questions that don't really have an answer. Here I am trying to help T become an adult. He will be 18 in March and will be graduating high school next year. By this time in his life he should have already had a part time job, be driving, have a checking account and be waking up on his own in the morning. However, he has done none of these things. He still needs me to go in every morning to make sure he gets up for school. He has never had a job or really done any hard work. He has applied for a few things while being here in Oklahoma so that may change soon. He did get his permit before Christmas but he still doesn't want to drive. This is probably one of the most frustrating things. I understand that he is scared but he has to get out there. I don't know how to convince him of that.
I think the most frustrating thing though isn't that he doesn't do these things but that he has no real motivation to change, to want to learn to do these things. I have tried to explain to him that he is going to be an adult before he knows it. That he will have to make some hard decisions in the next couple year and that he needs to try to start making some now while he has us as his safety net. He response to all these things is that 'he wants to be a kid for as long as possible'. I understand that he can still be a kid but he has to start moving forward with some of these things or before he knows it he is going to be the weird high school graduate that doesn't drive and doesn't know what to do with his life.
So for all you parents out there. How do you motivate a teenager? How do I get him to move forward with his life? I want to see him be successful but I want him to do it for himself....
I think the most frustrating thing though isn't that he doesn't do these things but that he has no real motivation to change, to want to learn to do these things. I have tried to explain to him that he is going to be an adult before he knows it. That he will have to make some hard decisions in the next couple year and that he needs to try to start making some now while he has us as his safety net. He response to all these things is that 'he wants to be a kid for as long as possible'. I understand that he can still be a kid but he has to start moving forward with some of these things or before he knows it he is going to be the weird high school graduate that doesn't drive and doesn't know what to do with his life.
So for all you parents out there. How do you motivate a teenager? How do I get him to move forward with his life? I want to see him be successful but I want him to do it for himself....
Monday, January 20, 2014
Where are you AF?
I want this blog to be honest and real. Therefore, I may have to talk about something that most people would not feel comfortable with. This is one of those things...where is my period? Last month we took a cycle of fertility medicine to help me ovulation. I was supposed to get my cycle on Christmas day. When it didn't arrive I got excited that I could be pregnant. At that time I had been really tired and very nauseous for a couple days (even though now I think it was a hangover that just lasted a few days). I took a test Christmas Evening- negative. I waited for a couple more days. Aunt Flow (AF) never showed so I did another test- negative. After 7 days I called my doctor. He told me that I probably didn't ovulate that month. The medicine was to help but was not a guarantee and even though it worked the month before it is not guarantee to work every month. So he sent me a prescription for progesterone to help me start a cycle so we can try another batch of fertility.
I was very frustrated at the fact that the medicine didn't work. I did some research and found that most women that take it don't ovulate every month. UGH! So I started taking my progesterone. Let me stop here for a second. I hate this medicine. It makes me cranky and really hungry. I mean, I could eat a thousand times a day when I take it which doesn't help because I am supposed to keep my weight in check while on fertility medicine. So here I am taking the medicine I hate for 10 days.
After the 10 days you are supposed to get a visit from AF somewhere between days 3-7 after taking the medicine. It's not day 8 and nothing. She has not showed her ugly face. I had symptoms of her a few days 1-3 (bloating, cramping and sore breast) but they went away. Today I woke up again with the same symptoms (especially my breast hurting) but still nothing. I hope she shows up soon for a few reasons.
1. I can then start the other medicine and maybe we will get pregnant this month which means we could announce around Mother's Day.
2. I can be assured that I will not have to take another dose this month of the progesterone (or worse a heavier dose). I don't know if I want to go through another 10 days of being cranky and hungry.
Therefore, the waiting continues. If AF hasn't show up in a week I guess I will call the doctor again. This whole being infertile and broken thing sucks.
I was very frustrated at the fact that the medicine didn't work. I did some research and found that most women that take it don't ovulate every month. UGH! So I started taking my progesterone. Let me stop here for a second. I hate this medicine. It makes me cranky and really hungry. I mean, I could eat a thousand times a day when I take it which doesn't help because I am supposed to keep my weight in check while on fertility medicine. So here I am taking the medicine I hate for 10 days.
After the 10 days you are supposed to get a visit from AF somewhere between days 3-7 after taking the medicine. It's not day 8 and nothing. She has not showed her ugly face. I had symptoms of her a few days 1-3 (bloating, cramping and sore breast) but they went away. Today I woke up again with the same symptoms (especially my breast hurting) but still nothing. I hope she shows up soon for a few reasons.
1. I can then start the other medicine and maybe we will get pregnant this month which means we could announce around Mother's Day.
2. I can be assured that I will not have to take another dose this month of the progesterone (or worse a heavier dose). I don't know if I want to go through another 10 days of being cranky and hungry.
Therefore, the waiting continues. If AF hasn't show up in a week I guess I will call the doctor again. This whole being infertile and broken thing sucks.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Busy, Busy, Busy
Yesterday and today are the first days I truly feel like a parent. For example, I got off work yesterday an hour and a half early and was excited to go home, have a coffee and watch on of my DVR'd shows but that is not what really happened. Instead, T (who has recently joined the football team) reminded me that he needed shoes, workout clothes and equipment for football. So I took my extra time to run him around to shop, get his hair cut, prepare for dinner and then go on my two mile run. Then we spent all night figuring out how what going to be picking in up from practice on what days because they don’t' have an activity bus. Then today, I had to go meet with his counselor to make sure we rearrange his classes correctly for football and to make a plan for graduation because his old school has still not fixed his transcript and may never (that's another long story we will get into later).
Tonight we have to sit down with T and discuss his options which most likely include night and summer school. He is not going to be happy but if he wants to graduate on time that's what he is going to have to do. We also need to tell him that the welding class he wants to take next year may not be an option because of football and him working full time this summer may have to be part time because of football and summer school. I know he is going to be so disappointed that things are not going his way. Plus, he is going to be irritated as we bring up the 'you need to learn to drive and get over your fear because we can't take you everywhere all the time" conversation.
For the past two days my life has revolved around him and his schooling/football. It's exhausting and it's only been two days. I think we are in for a very interesting two year....
Tonight we have to sit down with T and discuss his options which most likely include night and summer school. He is not going to be happy but if he wants to graduate on time that's what he is going to have to do. We also need to tell him that the welding class he wants to take next year may not be an option because of football and him working full time this summer may have to be part time because of football and summer school. I know he is going to be so disappointed that things are not going his way. Plus, he is going to be irritated as we bring up the 'you need to learn to drive and get over your fear because we can't take you everywhere all the time" conversation.
For the past two days my life has revolved around him and his schooling/football. It's exhausting and it's only been two days. I think we are in for a very interesting two year....
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