What do you call this feeling?

Jealousy? Disappointment? Anger? Depression? Reality? I don't know what to call the mood I am in today. I always find it funny how just a few small things like a phone call and a picture can totally change my mood and outlook. Usually, I try and have a positive outlook. I try and remind myself that this is just a bad day and not a bad life but someday it doesn't feel like that. Some days I want to cry, yell and throw things. Why? Because sometimes my life sometimes seems unfair. I know it's not that bad. I know that people our there have it worse and my life could always be worse but sometimes you just have to say what you feel. Sometimes you just have to put it out in the universe to feel better. So here it is:

MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE NORMAL.

I do not have a normal life. I don't have a supportive mother, one that I can call on when there is a problem. I can talk to her about some things but she (at this time) doesn't have the capacity to be the mother I want. The one to help me problem solve, to cry with, to be the voice of reason or to bail me out of situations. I don't have a father to turn. The closest I ever had died a few years back. The only other men that could call themselves my father is either in prison or doesn't want anything to do with me. My grandparents are supportive but I feel at this time they need more support from me than they can give to me. My husband's family is great but I don't feel close enough to rely on them like I would with my family (maybe I will one day). I have my sisters but sometimes I don't think they understand or they have already been in my situation so they lack sympathy.

I don't have a normal life. Instead of enjoying just being husband and wife before we have our own children we live with a teenager. I love my brother but it is very difficult to be in the crash course in parenthood to a person that is almost an adult and has their own values. All we can really do is encourage him to make good decision but molding him to believe certain things or instilling values in him has passed. We can do our best but is is already grown and really just needs encouragement and a place to live until he can get on his own. It's hard balancing being a sister and being an authority figure.

I don't have a normal life. I can't have a baby easily. No matter how much I chart, check symptoms, keep my weight in check, have sex or pray getting pregnant seems like a dream. I can't easily achieve a family like my friends. I am not the one in the Facebook picture this morning holding their newborn. My husband and I are not the ones counting down the days till our new child or decorating a nursery like friends of ours. We keep trying and we wait but each month that passes gets harder and make that dream seem much more out of reach. How long do we continue on this path? When do we stop and explore adoption? Will we ever be able to afford something like that?

I don't have a normal life. Instead of being able to save money for the things we want or save money for a 5th year anniversary trip to have a real honeymoon we are spending our money of the needs of a teenager. Saving for his football gear, a new car so we can give him an old one, for his college, for his birthday and to make sure we have enough for emergencies if something happens. I know many people do this. Saving is responsible and I have always been a fan of it but the restriction of splurging occasionally feels suffocating. There is no wiggle room. Everything decision we make with money or with our life now affects a teenager. I know this is true for when you have your own children but it seems harder when the responsibly are thrust on you instead of a choice to have the child.

I don't have a normal life. I probably never will. It seems that we will have spells of normalcy but we will never live life as we expected. I will always have to take care of my mom. I will always have to be a parent figure to my brother because my mom isn't a great role model. I will always have to take care of those in my family that need it. It's not fair. It's not easy but it is my life. I am thankful for a husband that understands that. For a husband that chooses to stay with me in all the craziness. I hope he always will because I don't see an end to this craziness.

My life seems unfair, crazy and sometimes I want to run from it but it's my life. It's just today it's hard. It will be better tomorrow it always is but today I just had to say it. I had to get it out so I can take one more step. One day my hope is all the sacrifices we have made for others will come back and bless us.
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