One day it might feel real

To this day it still doesn't seem real that we are having a baby. We are going through the motions. We have doctors appointments, we have seen her face on an ultrasound. We have bought a crib (even though we haven't put it up yet). We are even starting to work on the nursery and preparing for birth by making plans, enrolling in classes at the hospital and working on maternity leave. However, it still doesn't seem real. How is it possible that in about 14 weeks I am suppose to have a baby? I don't feel any differently other that much larger due to my stomach finally starting to show. Even when I feel her kick, it just seems like something that is happening but not to me. I always thought I would be one of those people who fell in love with pregnancy. Fell in love with my child before they were even here but I am slightly ashamed to say I'm not. I don't hate pregnancy, I'm just ambivalent to it. I am excited to have a little girl but I feel no connection with her. I fear this could lead to postpartum depression. I don't even know if M feels connected to this pregnancy. Before we were pregnant we used to talk about how we would talk to our baby every day, take lots of picture and sing/read to her but that is not the case. We are so tired by the end of the night we both just go to sleep. We don't do any of the things I thought we would. I haven't even really started my nursery. We have some things but I can't seem to find the desire to get in there and finish it. I know we have months but I am a planner. I like to have things done ahead of time but I don't feel rushed with this. I keep telling myself I will have plenty of time later to finish it.

It just feels so strange because it still doesn't seem real. It doesn't feel like we will have a baby. It doesn't feel like we will actually cross this finish line. When will it feel real? When will it really hit us that we ARE having a baby? When will I feel connected to the baby? I don't think there is really an answer for it but because I don't I feel a bit ashamed even though I know it's normal for some women...