Bitter Caregiver

When you are growing up you always expect that one day you will be a caregiver to your parents. Every situation is different. Some end up being a fulltime caregiver while others are just there to help when others can't. We all know that it will happen one day; it's just the circle of life. Many of us expect that as we begin to retire from our careers we will take on the fulltime role of caregiver. We are happy to do it because it's our parents. They have always been there for us. They nursed us back to health when we were little, they stood up for us when we got married, they helped us the first few weeks when our children were born and they became cheerleaders for our children. Unfortunately, that is not how my story goes (have you noticed a theme yet? My life doesn't seem to take any type of "normal" path).

I could spend days explaining how we got here. But for the sake of time I will give you the shortened version (yes, this is the shortened version). My mother has five children. Her first daughter was born when she was 14 and the last when she was 29. I was her third daughter (she only being 20). Six weeks after being born my mother met my stepfather and quickly got married. One day shy of my second birthday my youngest sister was born. Things seemed to be going well from what I remember. Then when I was nine two things happened. First, my mom was pregnant with her fifth child (finally a boy!) and my stepfather was arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison. Quickly after he was arrested we moved from Texas to Kansas to be closer to my grandparents. For a couple years after the move my mom worked fulltime to support her children. It was always tight and my grandparents would often pitch in. Then one day, my mom snapped. Maybe it was the stress of being the single mother of five or maybe it was the result of a tough life (being abused when younger and supporting five children? I have given up on trying to figure out what happened but ultimately it lead her to be admitted (a few times) to a mental hospital and us children going to live with our grandparents. By the time I was 14 I was tired of always fighting with my mom and having little space and time to myself so I moved in with a couple from my church. From there my life seemed to improve. I as out of the chaos, worked full time, went to school full time, become the first high school graduate in my family, went to college, graduated college and eventually got married. However, things didn't get better for my mom. Eventually, she would be kicked out of my grandparents’ home. That is the first time she decided to go live on her own with her son. This did not last long. We soon moved my brother out and in with a sister who lives in Florida because she could not care for him. They would go days without food and shelter. It was a bad situation.

During all this time she was declared disabled due to mental illness and would never again work. One day, my older sister took pity on her and asked her to move in with her family and my brother. For four years she would live there until she decided she wanted to move to Texas and live on her own. You can probably guess what happened next. She would live on her own for a while but soon she would struggle supporting herself. She didn't have money for food and was living in a trailer with limited furniture, limited utilities and as close to being homeless. This is when my husband and I knew we had to step up. We invited her to move to Oklahoma with the understanding she would not live with us but also not have control of any of her money. She agreed and we paid a ton to get her here.

That's it. That is how we got here. It's been six months now. We have her settled in an apartment and am working to help her build a foundation and pay off debt. We are working with her to live within a budget. We have control over everything. We pay her rent, take her shopping and make sure she gets to the doctor. It's not easy. There are days I feel it's unfair to have such responsibilities when I am so young and so is she. I have tried to figure out why she can't make it on her own but have given up the search and accepted that she is missing a part that helps her make those decisions. It's hard because he have never really had a good relationship and now we are in a situation that doesn't really foster building a relationship as it seems more to be a reversal of roles with me being the mother and her the child.

I hate it. I find myself bitter towards her--bitter that she can't take care of herself; bitter that she can't take care of her son who we are now raising; bitter that she never took care of me and I take care of her; bitter that we are short of money every month because her disability is barely enough to cover her own bills let alone help out with her son.

I hate being bitter. It makes me angry and disrespectful towards her. I hate having such a short fuse when it comes to her but I am working on it. I think the first step is to accept that this is our life. That she will probably never change and that this is something we chose (over her being homeless, starving and possibility dying). I will have to work at it every day but I hope that one day and I will be able to look back and see the good. Maybe she will learn some great life skills and be able to live on her own one day? Maybe our relationship with improve? I don't know what the outcome will be but I know that today it's hard...