The First Cut Is the Deepest

Yesterday we received our first fertility test results back. There were not good. We have always known there is something wrong with me. My body doesn't work the right way. We have always been hopeful that the medicine would be the only thing we needed to get pregnant but my doctor would not continue the medicine any more without testing. So he set us up for our first two test, my HSG which I have been waiting to get AF to schedule and M's semen analysis. AF finally showed on Saturday after a long 2 week wait so I called the doctor to schedule my test. While I was talking with the nurse I asked her if we had the results back from M's SA and if the doctor wanted to prescribe the medication to me to start taking (since I have to take it cycle day 3-7) so that if my test came back normal we could try this month. She said she would double check with the doctor and call me back with an appointment time and answers. My first indication that something was wrong should have been the lack of call last week with results and the second indication should have been the nurse calling me back pretty quickly which is unusual for her. She told me that M's SA results were not good. He had a low count and a high percentage of abnormal sperm. She said the doctor would not schedule my procedure or call out any medication until M was looked at by a urologist and that his 'problems were diagnosed and fixed'. Now, I know it makes sense especially since our insurance doesn't cover anything so we have to pay out of pocket. We shouldn't schedule a test if we already that could be unnecessary if we know there is another problem to fix. She told me to call a specialist in Tulsa and that if we needed anything to give them a call.

After the call ended, it took everything in me not to breakdown in my office. Why do hard phone calls like that always have to happen at work? So I held myself together. Its tough hearing that there is more than one problem with having a baby. Its tough hearing that your chances have severely diminished and that you may not even been able to treat it because your insurance doesn't pay. But I think what's worse is having to break the news to your husband. How are you supposed to go to someone that you love and tell them they are part of the problem? More importantly how do you go to a man and tell him that the problem is with his 'manhood'? I know that we shouldn't think that that but I know that it must make him feel slightly less like a man even though I don't see it that way. Want to know what made everything worse? This happened on a Monday. The one night I work 12 hours and he works a noon-9pm shift meaning the only time we really see each other is at 4:00pm when we both take a lunch break. I knew I wouldn't make it through lunch without him asking if I talked to the doctor and if something was wrong. Therefore, I had to tell him during a terrible time where we both have to go back to work and maul it over before coming home.

So I steeled my nerves and told him. He reacted as I thought. He internalized everything. I could tell he was upset, sad, angry, and much more but he didn't really say anything. I tried to talk with him but he really just said "I feel bad that I can't give you a baby". It was a terrible hour made worse by the lack of tears or emotions. We said our goodbyes and went to work. I of course got stuck working in the children and infant clothing section last night making my emotional boil up but needing to keep them at bay.

Things got better last night. We were able to talk a bit more and I assured him I didn’t see this as his failure but another failure of being a human because our bodies don’t always work correctly. I told him that I was sort of relieved that we shared the burden of the infertility together (I know you may be thinking it's terrible to say but it did help). I told him there are lots of ways to make a family and we shouldn't jump to any conclusions until we saw the specialist. More importantly I told him I loved him and that this wouldn't change us. That we would stay the same and my feelings for him wouldn't change because of something like this. I think it helped but I also know neither of us slept well last night.

Today I am just reminded that "the first cut is the deepest" and that we will not let this sap our joy from us.