Unhappy

While working at Kmart this weekend I realized two things. First, I have way to much time to think while I am there which lead to my second realization; I am not happy with my life. It one of those moments where you want to deny it but you realize that you can't or at least you can't anymore. I will start off by saying I am not unhappy with everything in my life but there is a significant part that I am not happy with. I think it all boils down to the fact that my life has seem to do nothing but spin off of its axis. Instead of living my life it seems like I am living in an alternate reality and it revolves around everyone but myself.

Many people would argue that your life should not revolve around you but others. I agree, you should not live a selfish life. Your life should be dedicated to the betterment of mankind and the planet. I think everyday you should make an effort to live outside yourself but recently it seems that I am not living outside myself but that my life revolves around everyone else. Everyday my life is filled with raising my brother, with taking care of my mother, of putting fires out in our family, of checking on my grandparents to make sure they are being taken care of and of working to make sure we have enough money to not get in a bind. It's exhausting. On top of taking care of everyone else, I am trying to keep devote time to my marriage, trying to start a family and at the least make sure my friends are alive with quick text messages. My life seems to be consumed with every thing and it seems that there is no time for me.

I am an ambitious person but I have lost it all. I don't know what to do with my life. Even though I enjoy my job I am not sure if there is much growth here for me. I want the opportunity to make something of myself. I want to grow as a professional and one day look back and feel like I have really made a career for myself but I am not even doing that. I feel stagnate with my life. The only thing that seems to be going well is my marriage. We have been able to take all the chances like champions, we still laugh together and enjoy each others company even with the limited time we have together but will that continue if the unhappiness in all the other areas continue? Will I be able to continue to be happy in one area despite being unhappy in the others or will the darkness eventually take it all over?

I don't know what my next step is. I am not sure at this time I really can change much. I could try and change jobs and I could decided to stop trying to start our family to decrease the stress but is that enough? I can't change the fact that I need to be there for my brother. I can't break the promise to my mother that I would take care of her as long as she continues to try in her life (and stays in town). So here I am realizing I am not happy and needing to do something about it but I just don't know what.