Ew, Are you crying?

If you knew me personally you may know I don't do well with emotions. Over the past few years, I have become more comfortable with emotions especially since the man I fell in love with is an emotional guy. However, being emotional and vulnerable is a challenge for me. I find myself much more emotional as I get older but I think that is because I have tried to practice more sympathy and empathy towards others. No matter how much I try I am not sure that I will ever be comfortable with crying nor with someone that is too emotional. I can see the point of emotions but I find them to often be pointless and unhelpful. When you are emotional its hard to handle a situation with logic. When you are emotional conversations seem to be less constructive and are more prone to misunderstandings. But you can't hide emotions. They seep out of everyone's (just some of us seem to ooze with emotions).

I say all this because if you knew me at all you would already know these things about me. So why is it that my mother doesn't? Today, she called all crying wanting to sit down one day and really talk about our past, to be able to tell me she is sorry and how much she loves me. It is a nice gesture but it really is only to make herself feel better. It doesn't make me feel better in fact it would be extremely uncomfortable and stressful for me. It's not going to change our relationship because "hashing things out" doesn't really work for me. It's not about the words but about the actions of trying to change. She doesn't get that. She doesn't understand that our relationship isn't necessarily strained because of our past but because of the decisions that she continues to make now. It's frustrating.

I would like to say that I handled the situation well but I didn't. Instead, I tried to remind that I was not emotional and I rushed off the phone as quickly as possible. It's awful but she started crying on the phone and all I could think of was "eck, emotions. Are you really crying right now?". It know its terrible and I know that somehow we need to find a way to fix our relationship since she may be here a while but at this point I am not sure how to do that and if I even really want too.