Emotional Day

Today is already turning into an emotional day and it's only 9:30 in the morning. First, today is supposed to be the day that AF is supposed to show up. I understand that sometimes AF shows up a couple days late but I have had no symptoms of her showing. Of course I took a pregnancy test this morning to see if it was possible I was pregnant. Big fat negative. At least that means I can have a drink today at my birthday dinner but it also means that most likely I didn't ovulation this month. I can't believe that will be two months in a row. I think we will have to increase the medicine again this month if it doesn't work and I will have to take progesterone again to start a period. I am already getting discouraged. Once I start my period we will be entering month 11 of trying. So in 60 short days we will hit the one year mark, something I never wanted to do. It looks like it might be time to start looking into an RE to get tested to make sure it is nothing more than PCOS. I already emailed my insurance company to see if any of that is covered. I guess only time will tell.

The second reason it is emotional is because I found out a job that I have wanted for a few years now is finally open but I don't think I will even be able to apply. See currently I am a social director for seniors. I plan educational classes, social events, day trips, overnight trips and the occasionally cruise. I really enjoy it. I love to organize and I love to travel. This new position is almost the exact same expect it is a larger program meaning longer trips and even international trips! I could travel the world with groups. It would be amazing. Plus, it's with a company I have wanted to work with for quite a few years now. In fact, I have interviewed for quite a few jobs with them but we have never been able to see eye to eye on salary or what position I would be best for but they keep calling. The downside is that it requires one to travel 25% of the year with 15% of that being international travel. How can I commit to that much traveling when I am trying to have a baby? If by chance I did get pregnant I would be severely limited on the types of travel I could do. It would not be fair to the employer to join a team (if I got the job) and then turn around and be like, oh you know I can't travel for about 6 months or so. So what do I do? Do we hold off on the baby dreams since it doesn't seem to be working anyways and I follow this job instead or do I cling to the baby notion and let the job go? Don't get me wrong. I do love my job now. The company I work for is amazing and the people are fantastic but this job won't be available for long and may not be available again for quite some time.

So here I am. Not pregnant for the 10th month in a row standing at a dividing path. One includes moving forward with a career in group travel but would put my dreams of a baby on hold for at least a year or two (which may not be bad since we have a teenager right now. Plus what if it has a salary increase and we could then save for what insurance may not pay for or for an adoption). The second is a long path of staying where we are and continuing on this path that we have started to try and start our family. Continuing with the plans we have now and not changing.

I don't know what to do. My husband doesn't know either. Any thoughts?