Broken

Yesterday AF showed up. She is two days early. At first, I did what most women do--curse the witch because no one really likes having her around. However, at the evening progressed things went downhill. It seems like everything hit me at once. There I was sitting on my bed realizing that this is the 11th month we have tried to have a baby and we didn't succeed and now we are heading for the big 1 year mark. That is 12 months of trying, of scheduling, of hoping and being disappointed every month. It means we are getting closer to "the talk" my OB-GYN will have with me about needing to find a RE and get officially tested. We have been holding off on this because our insurance doesn't cover much of the test so most of it will be out of pocket and if they diagnosed me with anything fertility related my insurance covers nothing. Once we have our label we will have to pay for anything past that date out of pocket. Medicines, screenings, blood work and procedures all cost a fortune. Through the mist of all the thoughts I have had over the past couple month’s new ones appeared that made matters worse.

First, we will not have a child in 2014. We now are looking into 2015. It seems like an eternity, like a distant future that is never coming to pass. Secondly, M's brother and his family will be moving at the first of the year to Florida. Meaning most likely, even if we get pregnant on our next medicated cycle (which is two months away from now) they will not be here to see our child. My child won't have any aunts or uncles close by after the first of the year. I feel like a failure, knowing how much they have wanted us to have children. I feel like I have also failed M for not being able to get pregnant easily and having to put us through months of trying most of which has eventually turned emotionless and now is just something we have to do. I am sad because the realization of how broken I am here. The realization that I may never hold my own child and the small thought that we may never be able to afford to adopt a child so we may be childless.

All these new thoughts raced through my head last night and I had a minor breakdown. I spent at least an hour crying. I didn't want M to see me that way so I pulled myself together before he came home from work. He could tell something was wrong but I didn't want to talk about it. If I did the walls would break and the crazy would come spilling out. He tried to have me talk about it this morning because I am obviously still very sad about it today but I couldn't. I just pulled myself together and headed to work. All I really want to do is go home, curl up and not move. I want to grief for my loss. I think I need time to wrap my head around this and everything else in my life because nothing seems to be going right. Raising a teenager is hard, being a caregiver to my mother is hard, not having enough money and needing to work more is hard and now I can't even get my body to create the one thing it was made to create, a beautiful new life.

Today I am broken. I feel completely and utterly broken. I don't want to move today. I don't want to deal with anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay and cry. I want to grief for the life that I thought I would have but that I am realizing I may never have. Today is a bad day, a dark day and a day I want to end quickly.