I think I'm Out, again

Well I think my TWW is coming to an end. I am 5 days away from aunt flow (AF) and I think the pre-symptoms are coming. At first, I thought I was in the game because of my seemly larger and firmer breast but those have seemed to subside. Today is 10 DPO and I had a temp drop. Some say it could be from implantation but I think that I am really 12 DPO and that it's a sign of AF. I haven't had too many other signs lately and most of them can be pre-AF. I have been getting cramps, light back ache and dizzy. These are all things that tend to happen to me right before she shows. It's always a bittersweet moment for me. I am sad because we are probably not pregnant and next month will start our 12th month of trying. I also build things up in my head. Here are some of the things I have come up with during my TWW which always makes things worse.

- A November baby would be great because I would be my heaviest during the winter.
- All my vacation time starts over January 16 which means if I did have a baby at the end of November I could either take a longer maternity leave or use all my time for the 6 weeks and have my time start over just in case I need it.
- November is a perfect time to have a baby with my job due to December and January being so slow for me with little travel.
- We could tell our family around Father's Day.


However, I don't think any of these things will be happing for us. It's also a sweet moment for us because we are on the fence about whether it’s a good time to have a baby and a teenager at home. We are already much tighter as is and am not sure how we would afford a baby but we want one. I am already looking at getting a part-time job to allow us to put money in savings. Maybe it's better if we don't have one yet and wait until T is closer to graduation and being out of the house?

Anyways, the whole point of writing this is to say I think I am out; to say that I am disappoint and relieved again. Things are easy right now because none of our friends have kids but when they start getting pregnant (which I think will happen this year) it will get much hard. Having a baby at my age should be easier, but it's not. It's hard work and takes a large toll emotionally every month.